Why Is Relationship Compatibility Important?
So many people get stuck in a relationship they know, at a gut level, is never really going to satisfy them. Many years down the line, they give up leaving a pile of wreckage in their wake. I started working predominantly with singles a few years back as it became obvious to me that often the real problem in long term relationships had occurred back when the couple first decided to get together.
But isn't it all About Communication?
If you're trying to love the wrong person for you, it won't matter how skilled you are at communicating or how much you have in the way of good intentions. Your relationship will never bring you the love that both of you deserve.
No doubt over time you've built up resentments about your partner. In fact, tell me - what are some of the things you resent about them?
- Is it that you work so hard to please them and they never seem to 'repay' what you do for them?
- Is it because they seem to have settled into a mundane routine week in week out - but you want more, more spark, more fun?
- Or maybe the sex was fantastic in the beginning but now it's more splutter than sparks.
All of these could be because you haven't communicated with your partner about what's important to you, but it could also be because you're not compatible in certain key areas.
- Could it be that they don't 'repay' you naturally in the right way for you to be happy?
- Could it be that they prefer a safe steady routine in life and that's what they thrive on because it makes them feel safe and secure?
- Could it be that the nightly sex was just the first flush of enthusiasm in the relationship and really they're happy with once a week?
Take several of these areas of incompatibility and you've built a relationship with someone who's happy behaving and doing things that don't satisfy you. However, that's the way they behave 'naturally'.
Can't your Partner Change?
Yes, you could try to change them but both of you would need to be hugely willing and motivated in order to do so. People are capable of making numerous shifts in their behaviour so long as they are invested enough in the relationship that you are building together. You just need to know how to make your requests sensitively enough that they are heard, not taken as criticism and more importantly understood.
You also have the option of changing some things about yourself, rather than expecting your partner to do all the changing. You could learn to appreciate how they repay you in a different way from what you naturally want and cut them a little more emotional slack. This is all possible but you need to know it's hard work, requires a great deal of maturity and understanding and it's unlikely that you'll make it through unless you really are compatible enough to be excited about making changes together.
Relationship Compatibility is so Important
Hopefully, you are beginning to see why being compatible is so important. You can try and communicate your way out of all of the above but if either of you isn't willing to make the belief and behaviour changes necessary then the two of you will remain incompatible to the extent where neither of you will be very happy together, ever. That is not a pretty picture and it's not the best environment to come home to at the end of a hard day.
Therefore the first part of this section of the website will help you clarify whether relationship compatibility is your issue by reviewing the major areas of compatibility and asking you key questions so that you can establish whether you and your partner are truly compatible.
Be clear that there is at least a little wriggle room around compatibility but it really all comes down to willingness to change. If you are both truly excited and passionate enough about each other then it's possible to up your compatibility rating. It's a long way from easy but I'm with Adidas on this one, when it comes to relationships 'impossible is nothing'.
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Who else wants out of the ‘Stay or Go’ dilemma?
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How to avoid the biggest regret of your life.
Why 'comfortable misery' is your real enemy.
The three essential components of long term compatibility.
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