Who Do You Really Want To Be With?

The work you've just done on understanding chemistry, identifying your needs and then your values is pivotal in your understanding of compatibility. This next piece is about drawing it all together in a way that is really easy to grasp and refer to.

In the past, I used this exercise exclusively for my single clients. However, you can get some very powerful information from it even though you are in a relationship. You'll learn exactly what you need from your current partner and then be in a great place to ask for it and subsequently find out whether your partner can provide if for you.

I realise that doing this exercise and revealing what you need in a partner might be a bit scary. But you're asking a very serious question about whether to stay or leave the relationship. You need to know the answers to this exercise before you can make up your mind with confidence.

Most of my clients start out not having a clear idea of who they want to get with. If you ask someone who's looking for a new home what they're looking for, they are very specific. They know exactly how many rooms they need, whether or not they want a garden, the area they wish to live in, and some people can even tell you what kind of lighting they want. Contrast this with the tiny amount of preparation people generally put into finding someone to love. I find this amazing given they could potentially be living the rest of their life with this person. It's not as if we can splash on a tin of paint to brighten someone up. How about a job interview, what salary would you like? Oh, I don't know, anything would be better than nothing?

This exercise is called “Three Pages to your Perfect Partner.” It's very easy for me to describe but it's you doing the work that makes all the difference.

Page one is all about the things that are non-negotiable to you. Examples being (remember these are not necessarily true for you) that this person; understands that violence isn't acceptable, isn't addicted to alcohol or any other dangerous drug, loves, desires or adores you, would love a family and believes that capital punishment is murder. You know the kind of things I mean; core agreements that must be true if you are to continue the relationship (or must be true to get into any future relationship).

Page two is about the things that would be nice but not absolutely necessary . Examples might be they don't smoke, can sing really well, have a similar educational background and they enjoy fierce debate. As with each of these pages, think about it not exclusively around your partner but assuming you have a free choice of partner.

Page three is the icing on the cake. Maybe you've always had a thing for blue eyes and dark hair. It could be you prefer someone who works out on a regular basis and loves to go cycling on the weekends. Or maybe your icing is someone that has an interest in camping, something you've always secretly wanted to do.

This exercise does quite a few things. It forces you to focus on what exactly you are looking for and to evaluate whether some of your criteria really make sense. It also gets you to rank what really matters to you.

Keep in mind that this is to be written in long hand; bullet points are not enough. This is meant to inspire feelings of longing in you.

Contrast:

1. Brown hair
2. Blue eyes
3. Bright smile

With:

“I'm looking for a man with beautiful brown hair with bright blue eyes and a smile that lights up my heart every time he looks my way.”

Do not under estimate the power of this exercise. Several of my clients have used it and finally figured out why their relationships could never satisfy them, no matter how hard they work at it.

So what are you waiting for?

When it comes to relationships people get very disturbed about the idea of planning like this; I often hear that it's just not romantic. This argument takes me back to Venice . Is Venice romantic? How do you get there? Every once in a while someone wakes up in Venice by accident but statistically you'd be much better off developing a plan.

To recap, as you are in a relationship this exercise can bring into focus the things you already have. It can also raise some feelings about needs that aren't being met - being aware of this is fantastic. It means you no longer need to go out and have an affair in order to figure out what's currently missing in your life. Then it's all about figuring out a way of getting your needs met within your relationship.

Please take the time right now to work out your perfect partner.

Next...
What do you need to change about yourself?