The 3 Stages of Relationships

So what are those 3, nicely predictable, stages of relationships?

1. Romance (Infatuation)

Romance is first up, being of course the absolute best bit. It's like the cherry on your cake, knowing you've met Mr. or Mrs. Right and loving everything about them, even the fact that they tend to steal the duvet is endearing.

2. Power Struggle

The second stage is the inevitable power struggle. This is the time when the things you hoped wouldn't bother you begin to annoy you. The more romantic you were at beginning the more distressing this phase is, especially when it starts.

Do you know that according to Barbara De Angelis there are four steps a relationship moves through during the power struggle stage? These are resistance, resentment, rejection and repression. More about those steps in a minute.

The power struggle can be a nasty, painful phase and potentially we squabble in ways we're not proud of. I can almost guarantee that this is where you are stuck right now.

3. Co-creativity

Fortunately, for you brave souls willing to ask for more, you've got the potential for co-creativity, a phrase coined by Seana McGee and Maurice Taylor in 'The New Couple'. This is where your relationship manages to evolve beyond the power struggle into that third stage. You get back to the place where you're asking what you can give to your partner rather than being stuck trying to get your own needs met.

This phase is very similar to how infatuation (romance) felt except it's based in reality and has a solid foundation. You've taken the time to get to know each other and you feel loved and safe enough to begin to put their needs first again. If both of you are able to feel this way then your relationship will blossom.

Those 4 Steps - Resistance, Resentment, Rejection, Repression

As I mentioned above, Barabara DeAngelis describes the 4 steps of the power struggle as:

1. Resistance
2. Resentment
3. Rejection
4. Repression

I asked Rita about where she started to go off her partner and she realised that he had a tendency to swear a lot more than she was comfortable with hearing. In the beginning she just ignored it and told herself she was being uptight. This is resistance. It's making her uncomfortable but she didn't want to make a fuss when everything else was so perfect.

As time went on she began to wonder why he didn't notice it making her flinch, especially around her friends. She began to resent his swearing and see him as a little more coarse than she liked. He then made the glorious mistake of using the ‘F' word in front of her mother which she was totally unable to ignore. It resulted in a huge row and he ended up on the couch. Rejected!

If the issue of his swearing isn't addressed at this point (and there are lots of reasons people choose not to) then if the relationship is going to continue she moves into repression.

Over the years I've heard many reasons for staying in repression; things like;

• She's never going to change so there is no point rocking the boat
• If I get upset about it, it just gets worse, or
• I really like the home we live in and I don't want to risk losing it

And my personal favourite, 'I really love his dog and couldn't bear to not see him again!'

All of these reasons are based on fear and none of them are enough of a reason to stay. That wouldn't be fair on either of you.

The First Step To Breaking The 4 R's

I like the idea that a relationship is between three entities: you, your partner and the truth. (For the Believers amongst us I believe that ‘the truth' includes God so rest easy.) All the time that Rita didn't tell her man that the swearing bothered her she drifted that little further away. Every time she repressed a feeling, a piece of her passion for him was pushed down too. Add to that the fact that for the past year her man had been blissfully unaware of any conflict and you've got a recipe for painful confusion at best.

It's important that you understand that it's not the swearing, or the towels left on the floor or the banana peel on the table that's your issue. It's the lack of honesty about how you are feeling.

If this goes on for long enough you can end up with a relationship where you endure pieces of each other and live as roommates rather than lovers. At this point it's easy to think that there are only two options; suffer in silence or break up. If you're engaged in the game of love, it's possible to get stuck in the idea that there has to be a winner and a loser.

Well, the good news is that your partner is actually on your team. So any arguments or spirited disagreements happen only to bring you closer to each other again. Let me say that again, your arguments exist to bring you closer together! You just need to learn how to disagree in such a way that it doesn't permanently damage your relationship.

So thinking about your current, or even past relationships,

• Begin to identify which of the four R's (resistance, resentment, rejection and repression) you got stuck in the most.
• Can you identify one thing that started out small and then really began to grate on you over time?

It's important that you begin to talk about things while they are only in the resistance category because every time you allow it to creep up a level it requires a lot more energy/pain to correct. Aim to deal with things as minor niggles rather than major annoyances.

Next...
Dealing With Relationship Problems Before They Get Too Big