Do You Have Similar Values and Goals

Many years ago I came across a relationship audio tape by Werner Erhart who's the man who came up with EST. EST was one of the biggest human potential movements of the 70's where the stated aim was to blow your mind in a weekend. The tape made a lasting impression on me.

The one major nugget I still live by is that the quickest way to having a great relationship is to identify exactly what it is your partner most wants to do with their life and then support them in achieving that goal. The other side of this is that for your relationship to work then they must be willing to support you in your biggest desire too.

Isn't that fantastic, clear and amazing?

Well, not really.

My first stumbling block with that as a guide is that most of us have absolutely no clue what it is we really want to do with our lives. I hesitate to say it but winning the lottery and living out the rest of our lives on the beach with a good book and partner of choice isn't really a goal anyone can support you in.

It occurred to me that given I didn't have a clue about what I wanted to do with my life then it would be hard to find a partner who could accompany me on that journey. This brings us back to the idea that there is a practical component to a relationship's chemistry. If you know where you are going then you are much more able to pick a suitable life long travelling companion. In order to do this properly you really must take the time to understand what your ‘Values' are and how you hope to meet them.

What are values?

Simply put, our values are the things we have always been naturally drawn to and excited by. I like to see them as the things we do just for our own satisfaction. Ideally we would set our lives up in such a way that we would get paid for them, but it's not essential.

It's fairly easy to work out what your values are. You just need to think about the kind of things that excite you the most when you have some free time. What are the sections you naturally gravitate towards in a book store? When you go to a party and end up talking to a stranger, and it goes really well, what are you generally talking about or hoping to talk about? What are the things in your job that you really enjoy doing? Once you understand what your values are you can begin to build a life based on them.

I've been working with a client called Karen recently around a crush she had at her tennis club, even though she's happily married. Karen's core values are to learn, to make a contribution, to have large amounts of fun and to relax deeply. Now when she sets goals for her future she makes sure they're based on her values.

When she's offered a piece of work or starts to get distracted by something that appears exciting, she compares it to her values as a checklist, which has saved her untold amounts of time and heartache recently. In terms of protecting her relationship, knowing that she and her partner are able support each other in their deepest dreams makes infidelity very unlikely.

What are your values?

So to get a sense of your values ask yourself:

• If you won so much money that it was no longer an issue, what would you do with your free time? Once you'd got bored with lounging around on the beach that is!
  
• What if you only had a year to live? What would you be desperate to get done before your time was up? You might want to start now, as with the sickness scenario people are rarely well enough to really enjoy that last year.
  
• Who are the people you look up to as having a perfect life? What are they doing that you wish you could be doing?
  
• If someone offered you a perfect job, what components would it have?

You are writing down the answers to all the questions and exercises I'm asking you, aren't you? If not, you're going to still be confused at the end of this book. By writing all the answers and thoughts down, when you get to decision time, you'll have a much more lucid picture of whether you should be staying or leaving. So if you haven't already got it, go find that paper and pen – or a digital equivalent.

Reading about this stuff isn't enough. A decision of this magnitude needs to be made on paper or you'll just continue to go around in circles in your head.

People who build a life based on their values are different. They appear more engaged in life, more excited and passionate about the projects they are involved in.

When it comes to getting a great relationship I truly believe, and both my personal and professional experience backs this up, you need a great life. We tend to attract our emotional equals so wouldn't it be great if you became a shining example of passion and excitement?

I really like the following quote by T. E. Lawrence. It's got a bit of a gender bias but I'm reluctant to mess with someone else's prose.

“Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds
wake in the day to find it vanity;
but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men,
for they may act their dreams with open eyes,
and make it possible.”

The great news is that once you begin to base your life around your values you should find that the needs we talked about earlier begin to get fulfilled naturally.

Next...
Who do you really want to be with?