Should You Stay or Should You Go?

I know that you are experiencing a high level of emotional pain in your relationship to be reading this and asking this question. I'd like to start by saying that I understand how painful that place is and I'm sorry that you are feeling the way you are. The good news is that you are not on your own and I've helped people just like you to escape the pain of not knowing what to do.

'Should I stay or should I go' is a very serious question for anyone to ask in a relationship. I'm sure you aren't asking it lightly. At its worst it feels a little like you might just die as a result of the pain. The pain of not knowing whether you can live with the way things are between the two of you. I also understand that this is probably not the first time you've asked yourself whether you should leave and you're probably not very proud of the fact that you're asking it again now.

You need help to make your decision

You may have been dating someone for the past few months or years. You may be about to get married and are seriously nervous that you might be making the biggest mistake of your life. You may have been married for months or years and are beginning to suspect that you and your spouse are never going to work out your differences. What ever your circumstances, I can help.

I have been working as a relationship coach for over 20 years now and my clients often ask me for a personal opinion on whether their relationship will ever work. I've never told one of my clients directly to stay or leave their relationship because it would make no sense for me to do so. My role has always been to help them, and now to help you, come to a conclusion about what is best for them.

I know you'd like a straight yes or no answer from me. However, you also know the reality of relationships; it's never quite that straightforward. What we need to do is help you explore all the key reasons to leave or to stay with your relationship, so that at the end of this part of our website, you're in the best possible position to make that decision.

Time to make the decision...
Time to understand the reasons

Do not rush this process. If I was to work with you in person, we'd take at least 3 months to evaluate the state of your relationship. There are very valid reasons why the two of you got together that you really must understand. If you don't manage to understand what brought the two of you together, in even a very destructive relationship, then you are doomed to repeat your mistake in some new and not so interesting way.

The only time this doesn't apply is if you're being abused physically, or indeed have yourself been moved to abuse someone physically. At this point you really do need to separate, at least long enough to work out what is going wrong between the two of you and put in some solid safe guards. If a relationship has got physically dangerous, one or both of you has clearly lost the plot and you need to take serious action in order to protect yourselves.

How you'll decide

So how will you come to that decision in a way that's never been truly clear to you up until now?

The great news is that it's actually fairly simple! I believe that there are only ever two things that can be wrong in a relationship.

1. You're not compatible. Reading this section of the website you'll establish whether you're fundamentally compatible with your partner. If you and your partner are compatible, you can still have a great relationship. If you're not, it's time to leave.
2. You're not communicating well. If you are compatible and you're struggling there's likely to be something wrong with your communication. So we'll need to explore where the two of you are falling down and how it can be resolved. Keep in mind that when I talk about communication, I'm referring to something much bigger than the words you say to each other.

So the action you should take is to work out whether you and your partner are fundamentally compatible. I'll take you through some theoretical explanations and some practical exercises so that it becomes clear to you whether you have the compatibility that you need. Once you are clear on that, you'll be clear on your decision to stay or to leave.

If you are compatible, the next action is to review some guidance on why things have become so bad in your relationship that you're considering leaving your husband, wife or partner. It will also provide some tools and actions to take to get your relationship back on track.

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Why Is Being Compatible Important?

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