Top Tips For A Great Relationship

Relationship Tips Intro

OK - So it's time to start putting in the work on saving your relationship. I call these relationship tips, but 'tips' may give you the sense that you can read them and implement them without a thought. The truth is, as simple as some of them sound, they may well take a lot of effort and continued focus and persistence for you to use them in your relationship.

I know you never expected this journey to be easy but don't let the fact that you've been mostly reading and skimming through this material up till now fool you. You can't just read the following relationship tips and move on. Reading is not enough. You must implement them if you're to have a chance of transforming your relationship.

Enough - time for action.

Relationship Tip 1 - Commit To Telling The Total Truth

As I mentioned before, a relationship involves three essential components: you, your partner and the truth. Every time you hold something back from your partner, a piece of your passion dies. Communicating the truth to your partner and protecting the passion is slightly harder than it may appear. It isn't enough to say ‘I hate you because you are so unreliable.' The truth is more likely to be, ‘I feel really angry with you right now because you didn't post that application form that you promised to post for me. I find this particularly disturbing because it's the kind of thing my father used to do all the time.'

I really want your relationship to work and I want it to be a place that you enjoy being in. I want your relationship to be the best thing about your life, rather than the largest source of pain. I was recently having a conversation with a fellow coach and she shared something with me that I found to be blinding in its brilliance. It's something that puts the pain and frustration that we all experience from time to time in our relationships into perspective. She said ‘When you think about it, pretty much every argument you have is about one or other of the couple seeking reassurance'. Allow me to explain.

Pretty much every argument between partners starts out with a fear that needs reassuring. I'm not just talking about the ‘But do you really love me?' type of reassurance. Although I do think knowing that we are loved in our relationship is a fundamental need for every human being.

Sometimes we just need reassuring that our complaint has been heard, that our discomfort makes some kind of sense or just that he realises he screwed up when he forgot to post your Mother's Day card. I really believe that a huge amount of the friction in a relationship is about the fear that one or other of the couple's needs are not being taken seriously.

As I listen to my clients about the disagreements they've got stuck in, it becomes more and more apparent that we just need to be more honest.

Tony Robbins states in Awaken the Giant Within that all arguments are based on the transgression of a rule. Whether or not you're aware of it, you have a whole bunch of rules about how people should treat you, especially if they ‘really' love you. The more rules you have, the more difficult your relationship can become.

In newer relationships this is especially tricky as you are still exploring the territory. You don't yet know your partner well enough to understand when you're stepping over a line that they hold dear. Worse than that, the first couple of times you do it they may not even mention it as they don't want to make a bad impression or kick up a fuss.

One of my clients, Jack, recently had a row with his partner because, as far as he was concerned, his partner was late for a date. In his head he has a rule that states that if you really love him then you'd respect him enough to turn up on time. His partner doesn't have this rule. In fact her rule is more like ‘If you love me enough, you'd understand that I'm not always going to be on time.' Jill, his partner, (Yes, I always change my client names) was actually late because she wanted to make sure she looked her absolute best for the date. You can imagine how the conversation went given it was late on a Friday night and they were both hungry.

Are either of them in the wrong? I don't think so. They just have an issue with two rules that conflict. This turned into a big fight about love and respect and this couple are in no way unique. Couples fight about the strangest things but you already know that.

Telling The Truth When Arguing

If you feel yourself approaching an argument or fight with your partner you would do well to be aware of the different levels of emotion. Some of us have an easy time being angry, even if we can't express it. Anger is often our first reaction to feeling like one of our rules or ‘lines' has been crossed. But in my experience, behind the anger is a sense of being hurt in some fashion and the thing we'd like to have most of all, is for that hurt to be taken away.

Furthermore, if you're feeling hurt there is also likely to be a fear underlying that - a fear that this hurt may continue because your loved one doesn't care.

So imagine if Jack had managed to say, there and then, that he felt hurt and feared he wasn't as important to Jill as her other commitments. It would have been much more likely that Jill would have immediately offered up the reassurance that he was seeking. Once Jack and Jill felt more connected they could have a discussion about their differing rules about punctuality and figure out how to handle it better in the future.

This is one small example.

What I want you to do when you find yourself getting into your next conflict is to just take a few moments to think about what is actually being said before you react. It's possible to save yourself a couple of wasted hours, days, or even years given how easy it is to build up resentment.

I once heard that one of the basic needs we all have is to know that our loved one knows, without doubt, that our lives are better with them instead of without them. This is why threatening to leave your partner in any argument is fatal to the ongoing security of the relationship and why I've asked you to recommit for at least three months.

If you're a man reading this then understand that you are often more comfortable getting angry than expressing hurt. You stand to gain hugely from learning to admit that you feel hurt when it's true for you. You are never going to find a healthy woman who will respond positively to your rage or anger so try to keep in mind what lies behind your wrath.

Women, without wishing to demean men, I think it's fair to say that often you will be in charge when it comes to building emotional literacy into your relationship. So if you're confronted by your man with a face like thunder you might want to ask him what's going on behind the anger. Getting angry back rarely works, it makes about as much sense as trying to put a fire out by throwing petrol at it. Sometimes acknowledging that you are aware of a problem between the two of you, even if you can't fix it there and then, is reassurance enough.

If you fall out with your loved one you can get to feel very vulnerable in a relationship and the sense of disconnection is alarming. Particularly if the relationship is in its infancy. Remember the mantra ‘We are arguing to come back together!'.

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Relationship Tip 2 - Astound Your Partner With Your Generosity