Relationship Tip 8

Come Back Together Even If You're Hurting

As a couple, it's essential that you develop a simple ritual for coming back together after a fight. Acknowledge that you fight only because you feel hurt. If you can accept that, it's easier to have a truthful conversation.

Sometimes it's as simple as holding out your hand as a peace offering. Remember it only hurts so much because you love each other.

After decades of research, both personal and professional, I've come to the conclusion that if you're serious about being in a relationship you'd better get comfortable with the fact that you're going to fight with your loved one from time to time. How much would you value a quick and easy technique for making these conflicts a lot less painful and potentially fun?

Have you ever noticed how, in the middle of an argument, it's possible to totally lose sight of the fact that the person you're fighting with is someone you love dearly? It's possible to begin to treat them as your enemy and begin to believe that this is a fight you need to win. Well, that appears to be human nature.

We find conflict very threatening and as a result can get very defensive. The problem being that many consider the best defence to be a strong offence. This can quickly lead to huge amounts of pain and distrust, especially early on in a relationship where we feel less than secure. Things can be said in a 10 second verbal blurt that you'll be trying to live down for the next 10 years. Ideally you'd never lose sight of your love for each other during a conflict.

When I was younger I used to love going to the seaside. One of the bigger treats when I was there was generally being able to talk my dad into getting me a stick of rock. One of the things that fascinated me about rock was the fact that it had a word running all the way down it. In my case it was generally BLACKPOOL. No matter where I broke this stick of rock BLACKPOOL would remain. What if a relationship could be like a stick of rock and the word LOVE or CONNECTION ran all the way through it? For those of you with no idea what a stick of rock is, allow me to explain. It's a candy about 30cm's long that's tubular in shape. I don't know how they do it but they manage to get a word that appears at either end and runs right through the middle. If you Google it, you'll get a better idea.

Making a repair attempt

John Gottman, author of Ten Lessons to Transform your Marriage, states that all relationships contain criticism and defensiveness. The difference is that a ‘master of relationships' will spot when a discussion is not going well and will make what Gottman calls ‘a repair attempt.'

It's a simple yet brilliant concept based on the observation that, even when arguing, successful couples will make 5 times more positive comments than negative, whilst the less successful couples fall down to about 1 positive for each negative comment. ‘I love you but …….' is never going to cut it. Not to be confused with ‘I love your butt' which generally will.

In the beginning it can feel a little clumsy as you begin to factor the repair attempts in. Sometimes it's as simple as saying something like ‘You know, we're only having this row because we want to be closer, don't you?!'. Or another simple one is mid-argument to hold your hand out to be held so you get rid of some of the physical and emotional distance that generally begins to seep in.

Over time, as a couple, you can begin to build phrases that reflect your own culture and allow you to keep the situation light. In their infancy, relationships can be very vulnerable and every argument can feel like it's the beginning of the end. Anything that reminds you both that the relationship isn't under threat is a very good thing.

Over the years I've come to understand that repair attempts are one of the most powerful tools a successful couple can have. It's actually quite a simple thing, but takes real courage to begin to use. Comforting someone even when you are mad at them can feel like a supreme act of will, but it is possible.

Let's say that you and your loved one are in the middle of what could be termed 'a spirited discussion' and you're starting to feel angry, sad or scared. You can either let this become a dark and twisted spiral down into real relationship damage. Or you can make a repair attempt that will halt that spiral or at least reassure you both that it's just a temporary break in your stick of rock. For those of you that wonder, this is where the phrase ‘you are my rock originates!'. (Maybe) (Ok, my Catholic editor explained the real origin but it's not as much fun.)

Bear in mind...

Here are some things worth keeping in mind about arguments and repair attempts. As a man, rest safe in the knowledge that you will never win an argument. Just give it up. You lack the training in it. Women have about a thousand year start when it comes to passionate discussion and between you and me, they aren't limited by having their argument make sense :-) .

As a child many boys will have worked things out in other ways, often using violence or the threat of violence as a negotiation tool. This is not acceptable as a grown up even if it's the model most of our world leaders cling to.

If together you begin to use repair attempts then you need to look out for them. Sometimes what your partner thinks is funny and should lift the mood may appear totally inappropriate to you. Be kind and try to accept the repair attempt in the mood it was offered ‘You've got rocks in your head!' may not be the insult you perceive it to be. Your other alternative is to decide that within an argument nothing is ever funny which removes any room for confusion.

If a repair attempt is offered make every attempt to accept it, even if you are foaming at the mouth. Having a repair attempt rejected is very painful and the sense of connection it offers will help you get over your issue much quicker.

Next Relationship Tip...
Know That Things Are Not Always How They Appear