Relationship Tip 6

Walk Away When You Get Nasty

Most of us get a little nasty when we feel backed into a corner. So you need to come up with a plan that allows either one of you to walk away from a row when you catch yourselves saying things you'll regret. Things can be said in seconds that take years to get over. It's ok, in fact much more preferable, to take time to cool off instead of lashing out.

Two words that save a lot of pain

There is a two word phrase that could potentially drop the amount of time you spend feeling bad in your relationships by 70% or more. It's really easy to master and you can use it for the rest of your life. It has made a massive difference to my life and my clients absolutely love it.

The anatomy of an argument

If you pay attention to the arguments you get into, you'll often notice that they make very little sense. If you try to recount them, either to a friend or yourself, you'll notice that they regularly spin off in bizarre ways and get very messy. You might start out with a point you're hoping to make but it often gets forgotten in the desire to be right. It's very common that when most of us get into arguments with our loved one's we behave in ways that could easily be construed as less than adult, dare I say childish. That includes the icy, analytical, critical stance for those of you that like that position.

John Gottman who set up a project called ‘The Love Labs' talks about how we get emotionally flooded. He wired couples up - to monitor their heart rates and how much they perspired, in order to get a sense of their stress levels.

Gottman found that we quickly lose the ability to discuss something constructively when we are angry and flooded with emotions. He also discovered that whilst a conversation may start out as a mild complaint, the discussion can quickly descend into a heavy bout of criticism, defensiveness and counter criticism. Once you get flooded it makes no sense to carry on discussing your issue. Symptoms of flooding are things like a heavy feeling in your chest, shallow breathing, blood rushing in your ears, heart racing or even the desire to run or scream. Basically it seems to me that arguments can trigger our fight or flight response and that's no place to try and reach an agreement from.

When I was learning to drive, my instructor was responsible for our safety. In some way he was the adult in the car and I knew that he was in charge and to be trusted. He had a set of foot pedals on his side of the car that would allow him to cut the power and stop the car anytime he decided I was going to do something that wasn't in our best interest. One such incident occurred when I nearly pulled out in front of a truck on a roundabout because as far as I was concerned I had the right of way. I didn't always like him for cutting the power, and sometimes I got to feel a bit stupid, but as a result I can now safely drive a car.

How to use time outs

A ‘time out' works in the same kind of a way. When it comes to an argument, there are really only two positions we can be in. Let's imagine you have multiple characters inside yourself and sometimes different pieces of you get the leading role. You are either going to be an adult or a child, and you really need to begin to figure out the difference.

The ‘poor me', ‘leave me alone', ‘why do you hate me', ‘I hate you' child voice is fairly easy to identify. But, there is is another voice you need to be aware of - the critical child. The critical child masquerades as an all knowing adult which can be particularly confusing. If you're busy trying to win an argument by being clever or making a great point, then you're probably stuck in child, even though you sound super adult. Taylor and McGee ask ‘Who's really got the microphone?' and it's a question you'd do well to keep in mind.

So the deal is this… if you or your partner spot that one of you has slipped off into child you call a halt by saying ‘time out'. It's a good phrase because it's totally neutral and potentially cuts all the power in the argument before you get yourselves into any real trouble. If your relationship is as valuable to you as my driving instructor's life was to him, then you know you have a very good thing.

If you like the sound of this idea you need to talk about it with your partner. For whatever reason some people are only comfortable with a certain level of drama in their life, and some like more than others. It's possible that if you just start using ‘time outs' as a way of cutting the level of drama and pain, then one or even both of you are going to feel like something is missing. This is a bit like when you gave up sugar in your tea or coffee, or maybe even started eating salad (please tell me you did ;-) ). At first it wasn't fun, but now you just couldn't go back.

If you are going to call a time out, it's important that you do it in a neutral fashion. ‘Time out you pig' is not neutral; neither is ‘I'm timing you out' said in your most punitive tone. A time out is a defensive tool not a weapon.

During your time out it's important that you switch your attention. It's not going to work if you spend the time stewing and coming up with a better argument. The time out allows for your fight/flight response to settle down so you're able to think more clearly. For this reason, it needs to be a minimum of 20 minutes. If it's really late at night you may well have to decide to sleep on it, and that's ok.

How to use time ins

Always have a ‘time in' where you come back and talk about what was really going on. This is important, otherwise time outs can become a way of just avoiding ever having a heavy discussion. Some conversations are painful in their nature and need to occur, just make sure that they are adult conversations. Even if you end up timing out 3 or 4 times in an evening it makes more sense than venting your frustration.

Once you get an agreement in place that time outs are one of the ways you are going to protect your relationship, it's important they are respected. They build safety into a relationship but only work well if both people abide by them. It's not much fun having someone call a time out on you, especially when you're convinced about having the right of way. At points it can be infuriating, but in the longer term it leaves you with a lot less of a mess to clear up. You end up having a simple discussion about whether it's worth pulling out in front of a truck even if you are in the right. Much better than trying to work out how the hell you're going to work to pay for the car with so much of your body in plaster.

To argue or not to argue?

When it comes to arguments, it's worth asking yourself:

‘Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?'

So much of what passes for spirited discussion is about point scoring which is basically silly. You're on the same team, so give it up.

Before you launch into making your point, remember to H.A.L.T. Ask yourself are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired? If you are any of the four items, it may be smart to take yourself a little less seriously until you sort yourself out. I get seriously cranky if I'm hungry and don't even know it's an issue until I start to eat. Look out for this one; you'd be surprised how often handing someone a bag of nuts can improve their outlook on your relationship.

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Find Out Your Partner's Dearest Goals And Dreams