Relationship Compatibility - The Conclusion

You've now almost completed the compatibility section of this book.

So far you've taken the End Your Relationship Quiz? so you already have a pretty accurate gauge of how you feel about your relationship over the past few months. You've also taken the time to work out a list with your partner about how to re-romanticise your relationship and begin to turn back toward each other.

Even more importantly in terms of working out your base line compatibility you've established what your 4 most important relationship needs are in order for you to feel loved and safe in your relationship. You also know what you value most in life and therefore what you would appreciate support in achieving over the next few years. In a perfect world you would now be aware of your partner's needs and values. If you can find these things out about your partner then you will have a very real idea about just how compatible you are.

I'm also hoping you wrote out your 3 pages to a Perfect Partner which would include the fact that your needs and values are being met. This exercise gives you an accurate indication of where you are in relationship to living the life of your dreams. If you also factor in the work you did about your market value then you have arrived at a crossroads. You see, having taken this time and made a real effort you now know exactly what it is that you are looking for. You also know whether those dreams and desires are realistic.

If you've got this far and you think it's clear that you are just incompatible then I would still encourage you to complete the rest of this workbook. Sometimes the resentment has just got so high that you really can't see past it. Many times a client has been completely convinced that they couldn't spend another day with their partner right before some major breakthrough in their understanding.

Mike and Julia used to argue very, very regularly and it was driving Mike to distraction. He really couldn't see how they were ever going to get past their disagreements and he was tired of feeling so bruised. He came to me for coaching and mentioned that the arguments never started out over anything really significant. In fact when pressed it seemed that the two of them didn't have anything significant they disagreed upon.

Mike however was convinced that Julia, a barrister by trade, was just argumentative by nature and therefore incompatible with his need for loving connection. He was ready to end the relationship and never look back. Fortunately he was smart enough to get help first.

It quickly became apparent through our coaching that the place they really fell down was that Julia had a very logical, problem solving mind. Whenever Mike raised a feeling of hurt or anger Julia immediately began to try and fix it which just infuriated Mike as he never felt really heard. I taught him one key phrase ‘I don't need you to fix this honey, I just need you to listen'. The result? They lived much more happily ever after. Sometimes it really is just something that seems almost inconsequential to the outside world that stands to ruin your life.

So take a look back over the exercises you've completed in this first section. The answers you've discovered and the thoughts you've had. Are you clear on your decision now?

It's possible that having done all the work you now realise that there is no way you and your partner are ever going to work out in the longer term. The fact that it was good at one point is no guarantee that you've found a life long relationship. Hopefully, if you've decided to leave, you can move on with a clear conscience. In which case you might want to skip down to the section on how to leave gracefully.

In all honesty I'm hoping that you're in a position where you may be able to rescue your relationship and that you're ready to look into the ideas around improving communication with your partner.

If you're not 100% certain that it's time to leave then take the time to read the rest of this workbook. The communication skills and information I've included are hugely valuable and even if you do decide to leave your current partner, the new skills and knowledge will last a life time.

If you still believe you are, or even may be compatible then it's time to move onto the second major section of this book and start working out how you can recover your relationship.

Next...
Relationship Communication