Relationship Chemistry - 1. Practical, Sexual and Wavelength

Recently I was working with a woman who married a man ten years her senior. They were having problems due to what she termed a ‘compatibility issue'. In her eyes, they no longer had anything in common.

I came across a book by Samuel Hamburg called, 'Will Our Love Last?' He developed a very simple model for what it takes to stay together. He talks about three different types of relationship chemistry, which he terms: practical, sexual and wavelength.

Practical

Practical is related to what could be termed 'the business' of the relationship.

• Do you keep the same kind of hours?
• Are you able to agree on who does the cleaning and when?
• Do you live in the same country?
• Do you both have the same kind of clutter threshold?

This is the piece of relationship chemistry people are most likely to fail to consider before they end up living together.

Sexual

The second element of good couple chemistry is sexual. This is generally the clearest one to all concerned. Very briefly put, if you feel like you had a better sex life with another long-term partner it doesn't bode well for your current relationship.

Wavelength

Hamburg terms the last component as wavelength , which taps into the question 'Are you best friends?' Do you agree on enough activities to want to spend lots of time together?

In essence the message is “the key to having a happy marriage is to choose the right person for you in the first place.”

Ideally all three components are present or you risk having a problem. For instance, it's possible that sex isn't that important to the two of you or even that the sex is so great that you are willing to sacrifice being best friends. It's a bit of a risk though, because if all you've got is partial compatibility then there's every chance that someone else will turn up who feels more exciting, or even more sensible, for you or your partner. Affairs generally happen when someone is hungry for something they aren't getting at home.

Where Do You Start?

If your relationship started out with great compatibility the idea that a relationship ends because you've stopped being compatible is a little short-sighted. In any long-term relationship frustration and resentments will begin to creep into view unless you've both got a black belt in the art of communication.

I like to work with what I refer to as ‘healing assumptions' which allow the most freedom to explore what is really going on. So, just for now, try on the idea that you may be able to resurrect your compatibility and fall in love all over again. This may be a stretch for you to believe at this point, it may even not be true, but it's the premise I want you to start from.

Of course, it is also possible that you started out with great compatibility but have grown apart. For instance, you've realised that actually you want to dedicate your life to the conservation of the environment. Or maybe you realised that the UK doesn't allow you to follow the lifestyle that you want now. It's also very possible that your partner has done some changing too. So there may come a point in a relationship where you no longer share enough of the values, goals and interests to support the remaining elements of your compatibility. I'll talk more about values, goals and interests later on. But for now I'd still ask you to entertain the idea that you can resurrect your excitement for each other.

Keeping A Relationship Going

It's very easy to drift apart over the years with the huge demands on your time and energy that have nothing to do with your primary relationship (work, extended family, household chores, etc). My experience points to the fact that not only do you need to start out with great compatibility, but you also need to work to sustain your level of compatibility with your partner by growing together not apart.

One way to do this is to schedule time together with your partner and create something you're both excited about doing. This might take some negotiation but let's say that you both decide to learn to scuba dive together or you take up ballroom dancing or even decide to work together on giving the car a custom paint job. Suddenly you've both got something you're excited to talk about. It's all the stuff you naturally did in the beginning of your relationship when you were on a romantic high and still on your best behaviour. The romance is potentially still there, it's just waiting to be re-ignited.

In 'Getting the Love You Want', Harville Hendrix prescribes an exercise to re-romanticise your relationship. You both write a request list of 10 things you loved your partner doing when you were both totally besotted. It's important that you both come up with a list. Often one of you may be slightly resistant to the idea that you have any needs but it's really important that this is balanced. These requests can be as simple as having your partner put his or her arms around you when you're washing up or stroking your head while you watch TV together. Just for the record can I just say that this exercise is more effective when the requests aren't sexual

So you have a hit list of ten things you know your partner would enjoy you doing. You then make a deal that for the next month, you'll pick at least one of these a day and just do it regardless of how you feel about it. Even if the last thing you feel like doing is buying him flowers with a note saying 'I love you', just do it any way!

It's a very powerful technique as it addresses some of your more subconscious desires for love and safety. It recreates the tendency to turn towards each other when you're hurting rather than turning away in silent, but deadly, resentment. It's as if it begins to re-open the neural pathways in your brain that allow you to reconnect with your feelings of fondness.

Of course, this exercise makes the assumption that you've been together for a while. If that's true are you both committed enough to spend at least a month getting your relationship to work again?

In my practice, I generally insist that if a couple has got as far as living together they commit to at least a three month period to really understand how to get their love back. So, do both of you actually want it to work? If a couple comes to me for coaching, this is the first question I ask them. ‘Do you really want this relationship to work or are you just looking to end it gracefully?'

If you were ever compatible, it's my experience that you can, in most cases, get it back, just so long as you're willing to do a little work. It's very easy once you get going and most of us really enjoy knowing how to make someone feel loved instantly. It's going to take a little faith in the beginning and I know the challenges feel insurmountable when you're both stuck in your pain and disappointment. If after trying the above suggestions and exercises you haven't made any progress, at least you know it's one very clear sign that you're relationship isn't destined to work.

Next...
Relationship Chemistry - Getting Your Needs Met