Identify Your Needs

This is an exercise that I set for my clients. It should take you about 30 minutes.

I know, I know - you're not use to doing exercises on the internet. But really, this is a truly important step for you to take in working out whether you should stay or go.

If you don't like doing things on the screen then print it off onto paper and do it like that. Or save it for later and come back to the remaining pages once you've completed the exercise.

If you still find you can't bring yourself to do it, book a coaching session with me and I'll walk you through it. Whatever - you must do this. It is critical if you want to be happy in your relationships.

Identify Your Needs

You already know that 'needs' are basic requirements that must be fulfilled if you are to feel happy in life. If your needs are not met, then you tend to spend your time feeling unsatisfied and doing everything you can to get them met, either directly or indirectly. If your key needs are not being met in a relationship you will never have a stable or truly fulfilling relationship.

Ideally you would get your needs met outside of the relationship as well. However, if your partner can naturally provide for your needs then it serves as a very strong base on which to build a relationship.

Identify Your Top 10

Read the list of words in the tables below and (if you've printed it off) circle approximately 10 that feel like they are the ones you use most often to get your needs met. If you are doing it on screen, write them down rather than circle them.

If you feel embarrassed admitting to a few of them that's OK. If you spend too much time trying to justify why a particular word isn't appropriate for you, it probably is, so circle it.

As you review and circle them, ask yourself, ‘Would I feel safer or more loved if this quality was provided for me by my partner?' If the answer is yes, then it's a vehicle for getting your needs met.

All the possible vehicles for getting your needs met are not listed below. If you feel that there is a more appropriate word that applies to you, feel free to add it in and circle it.

Certainty

Variety

Significance

Love/Connection

Select Your Top 4 Relationship Needs

Not all of our needs are required by us to the same extent to make a relationship work. So now it's time to identify which ones are the highest priorities for you.

Scan back through the 10 or so that you have circled (or written down) and compare each of them with each other. For each comparison ask, ‘Which is more important for me to make a successful relationship?” Put a star by each one that comes out as one of your top 4 needs.

Now list them out somewhere safe for you to keep - in the format shown below.

My top 4 needs in a relationship are:

Getting your needs met is massively important if you are to have a fulfilling life. If your partner isn't meeting them and you aren't getting them met elsewhere then you're in for a life of pain. That's why they're important!

As I've described, you must work out what your needs are and ensure they get met. I cannot over-emphasise the importance of doing this. If you can't do it yourself, book a coaching session with me and I'll help you.

Next...
Relationship Chemistry - Similar Goals and Values