How To Leave

If you're going to leave someone, here are some suggestions for how to make it much less traumatic for all concerned.

My first observation is that you need to make an informed decision which is what this whole book or indeed my coaching program is about. Leaving and then coming back is generally a really bad idea as it undermines trust. If you're reading this section, then I'm going to assume that you've reached the point of knowing you're leaving.

Leaving someone you've loved is always going to be heartbreaking. No matter how much anger you feel towards your partner, you are always going to have the sense that, something that was once beautiful to you is about to die. You had dreams together and plans for your future that both of you invested a lot of energy and emotion towards fulfilling. For at least a little while, the relationship was a place you could call home and your partner was family. It's my understanding that if a person has any heart at all, then a break up is going to hurt and you need to have some kind of support and structure in place to get you through your hurt.

So if you're leaving I'm going to encourage you to see it as an expedition, an adventure. It's going to feel cold on your own and, if you don't prepare properly, pieces of you could freeze over for life. For some reason we are led to believe that it's only the person being left that is allowed to be upset. This is nonsense and I want you to know that you need to be prepared for the potential pain.

Be Clear In Your Mind Why You're Leaving

You need to draw up a detailed list of the reasons for your leaving. The more specific you can be the better. In my experience the people that suffer the most when it comes to falling out of love are the ones that continue to focus on the nicest times with their ex.

Mary had a tendency to think about all the times they cuddled up on the sofa watching a movie. This is a great way to make yourself feel terrible. What you focus on is what you feel, so I'd encourage you to begin to focus on the more painful times between you. At least until you've got enough emotional distance and you've stopped feeling lonely or like you want to go back. I had one client call to mind all the long tortured nights she'd spent crying alone into her pillow because her man was out seeing his mistress.

Look Forward to a Spell of Singledom

Being single is said to be a luxury that we fail to notice. So take some time to think about the things that you'd really like to do; perhaps the ones you could never get your partner interested in.

Mary had always wanted to go away on a holiday to see the polar bears in the artic but her partner wouldn't hear of it. This went on a list of things she was excited about doing once she left her partner. Where she had initially been very frightened about all the free time she was going to have and her loneliness she began to get enthusiastic about things she'd had on hold for far too long.

Mary began to re-activate her social network and add in some things she knew would help. She started a massage course as she knew that physical touch could be lacking for a while. She also made enquiries about some night classes that she knew would be fun and reinstated her once a week, girls' night out .

Prepare To Leave

In an ideal world your partner is aware that this is going on. Not in an evil, vindictive way, but because you want the best for each other. This may or may not be possible. In Mary's case, she let John know that she'd decided to leave and they managed to part as friends. This was possible because they had such a history between them and they both knew they'd done all they could to save their relationship.

If you are lucky enough to be able to plan together for a healthy separation you may need to start disentangling your lives as it probably won't be healthy to be around each other for a while. If your partner is a business or work colleague you may need to think about serious life changes ahead of time.

It's not always like this though. Sometimes the news of your leaving comes as a bolt out of the blue. If this is how you are going to do it, then it's important that you understand that the person you are leaving is not going to love you for it. It seems to me that most of us run into huge feelings of humiliation around getting dumped, so don't be entirely surprised when his or her initial reaction is a desire to see you dead. Understand that it's an emotional reaction and try to stay compassionate; you've potentially just taken the sun out of their sky.

Saying goodbye can be very difficult, especially if your partner wants to argue with you or beg you to stay. At this point I'd suggest you use the broken record technique which means you just keep repeating what you want them to hear. ‘I'm sorry our relationship just isn't working for me any more'. If you do this sensitively it will diffuse the situation.

Dealing With Your Fear Of Being Single

It's possible that either you or your partner will fear that you'll never find anyone who knows them so well again. Maybe you fear never finding anyone so sensitive, good looking, great at communicating, playful and sexy.

The truth is that you probably will find someone. The idea that you have one particular soul mate is not healthy or helpful. Instead, start to think in terms of soul groups. You'd be amazed how often a person shifts from being a soul mate to what feels like your cell mate.

One very helpful thing you can do is draw up a list of twenty things about you that you are proud of. These can include; things you've done, nice qualities people may not know to be true of you or great things people have said about you. I'd like you to view these as your magical inner qualities. If it hasn't worked out with this particular partner these qualities are still yours and one day someone will treasure you for them.

There is a tendency for people to only leave a relationship when they've lined up the next one. I'm not making a judgement here. If it takes falling in love with someone new to get motivated enough to leave an ailing relationship then go right ahead. You also want to avoid any behaviour that is going to call your integrity into question. As my dad taught me ‘at the end of the day all you have is your dignity'. Just try not to take it too seriously because rebound type relationships rarely work in the longer term.

If you're leaving someone, in order to heal, ideally you need to stay single for at least one month for every year you were together. You'll feel a natural shift occur when you're ready to date again that isn't based on loneliness. If you're male, your tendency will be to start dating almost immediately to try and fill the empty feelings. It is my experience that we tend to attract our emotional equal so you can get yourself into some very messy entanglements. If you're female, there is a tendency to take far too long to get back into the dating game. It's a tricky balance but if you leave yourself enough time to be single then you should be able to trust your intuition.

It's very rare that anyone manages to leave a relationship in a healthy fashion. There doesn't really seem to be a perfect way or even a particularly good time to do it. You need to make your decision and then take the leap. This is a chasm you face and there comes a time when you just have to jump, there is no easy next step. If you've prepared properly you need to trust. This poem says it best:

Edges by S. Martin

"When we have come to the end of all the light we have ever known
And take our first tentative steps into the darkness of the unknown
We must believe one of two things
Either that there will be solid ground
Upon which we can stand
Or that we will be taught to fly"

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