Rebound relationships

How do you know if you or your partner are on the rebound? What must you do to ensure you don't get into a hurtful rebound relationship or, if you find yourself in one, what can you do to protect yourself?

Are you on the rebound?

A rebound relationship is one where you (or your partner if they're the one rebounding) are still affected by a previous significant relationship. That impacts on either the quality of the current relationship or your perception of it.

In essence, when you're in a rebound relationship you spend a significant amount of time focusing on your previous one. Focusing on what could have been, what went wrong, wondering if you did the right thing in splitting up and lots more besides. All the time you focus on your old relationship you are draining the potential of your current one to be successful.

You spend the time focusing on the old relationship because you have unanswered questions, because you still hurt from some of the experiences you went through, because you haven't taken the time that your mind and your heart needs to work through the painful emotions you're still feeling.

Can you tell if you're in a rebound relationship?

It's easy enough to tell if you are still on the rebound. Do you:

• think of your old partner daily,

• still experience deep feelings of pain, regret or angst when you think of them or your relationship,

• repeatedly think over one or a few particular issues within that relationship

If you do any of the above then you can pretty safely say you're on the rebound. Your focus is not yet fully enough on your new partner. If this is the case, read about how to get over a breakup.

So yes, it's possible to identify for yourself whether you're still on the rebound. But how do you tell if your partner is on the rebound? That's a lot tougher.

Some people will be more than capable of hiding their feelings and thoughts from you about their previous partner. This means you really don't have any clues about whether their behaviour is normal or whether it's being affected by their unfinished business with their previous partner.

What to do to prevent yourself getting into a rebound relationship?

The only thing you can do is to try to establish up front how long it's been since their previous significant relationship. If it's less than a month for every year of their relationship then there is a significant chance that they're still getting over their previous relationship. This is of course only a guideline. But the shorter the break since their last relationship, the more likely your partner is to be still dealing with the issues from it.

What to do if you're already in a rebound relationship

The biggest danger of being in a rebound relationship is that you might commit to it when your partner really isn't suitable for you. In any relationship in the early romantic stages there's a danger that you're going to think this is the best relationship you've ever had and you'll want to commit too early.

However, in a rebound relationship, because you'll be feeling more vulnerable than ever, and more eager to retain the love you're receiving, you're even more likely to over commit.

So take it slowly. Even though you may feel like this is the best relationship ever, you're partner is perfect and you'll never, ever feel any different, just force yourself to take your time. If your love for each other is real they will understand if you need to slow down a little.

If it's your partner that's on the rebound, then treat any commitment requests with the same caution - for the very same reasons.

The other possibility of course is that your relationship will be just long enough for you to get over your previous partner. If it's your current partner that's on the rebound then there's a very real chance that once they've worked through their emotional pain from the previous relationship that your relationship will end shortly after. This is such a common occurrence that it's even earned itself a name. It's referred to as a 'transitional relationship' and statistically they end badly. Be careful out there!

The final reality is that your rebound partner is less likely than normal to be your ideal partner because your priority to gain love and affection probably meant you didn't apply as stringent standards as you normally would when picking a partner. And I'm trying to say that in the nicest possible way!

So yes, it's possible that your rebound partner is also your ideal partner, it's just not very likely. If you keep wondering whether they are and you can't work out the answer, then either let time decide or work out now whether you truly are compatible.