I don’t know if you’ve noticed yet but we’re in the run up to Christmas. I say this because I’d like you to notice you have a lot to gain. I’ve been working with people looking for love who continually ask themselves ‘Why am I single’ for so long that I can safely say that this is a huge time for getting dates that may otherwise pass you by.
No one, and I mean no one, wants to be single for the Christmas period. As you read this I’d like you to really understand that a great percentage of the single population is currently starting to get slightly freaked out about the prospect of a Christmas alone. Slightly freaked out is actually a bit of an understatement, the more love addicted types are now in more of a full scale panic.
I don’t say any of this to shame or ridicule anyone, it’s just a fact. And I’m wondering what you’d be prepared to do differently if this is your situation?
On some level I think getting dates is ridiculously easy but some people, maybe you, make it very complex. Over the years I’ve come to understand that the reason a lot of people are single, no matter how much they profess to hate it, is that they want to be. You might want to read that last sentence again.
When it comes to singles I have two distinct client groups.
The first group I can say, Hey just get out there, smile more and make eye contact, aim to communicate warm and available’ with your expression’ and suddenly they’re beating off potential suitors with a stick. For whatever reason they missed the flirting lesson in school and got stuck in shyness. Once they get the full picture of what is possible it all drops into place.
The second group are much more interesting to me. They come to me looking for love and then at some point I hear some variation of Ok, so I get the guys attention, he comes over, one day we kiss, we go out again, we kiss more, we date more, I get attached and then I get crushed and my heart gets all broken again’. These people are actually single because getting connected has become too scary. They’re single because they prefer it that way and manage to put out a vibe that pretty much repels any interest from the opposite sex. They then come to me wondering how it can be that every other area of their life works but they can’t get a date or hold onto a relationship.
So I don’t know where you are at, or why you read this e-zine, but if you profess to be looking for love then you need to sit down and work out if that’s really true? None of the major stumbling blocks are unworkable but they do need to be chipped away or you’re just going to continue to stumble.
If you think your issue is that you just don’t know how to flirt then get the brilliant Superflirt by Tracey Cox. Not only will it teach you how to send out messages that broadcast your interest to your intended, it will also teach you how to read who’s eager for your attention. This book has the power to change your life because people are literally screaming out their interest in you but it’s on a frequency you can’t hear. It can make for a painful evening of kicking yourself as you realise that guy or gal you had such a thing for was wild about you and you missed it.
If you can’t bring yourself to flirt, or you’re doing the flirty footwork and still not getting results, then it’s time to get serious. Clearly there is something deeper going on. We are all relationship seeking animals, it’s in our nature and it’s part of what makes you fantastic. What isn’t so fantastic is having that drive and not being in a relationship. That’s just plain painful and you deserve better.
You may or may not want to hear this but if you’re stuck in singledom (singledoom) then you’ve probably got some piece of trauma holding you back. There is something about the whole getting into, or more importantly staying in, a relationship that is just too scary for you on some level. Have you ever looked around at certain friends who seem to have it so much easier than you when it comes to relationships, well there’s a reason for it. In my experience they bring a lot less baggage to their relationships and just get busy on being happy together.
Statistically you’ve got a great chance of getting married so long as you start looking around the age of 28. If you’ve got to 35 and you’re still single then things are beginning to look a bit dicey, especially if you’re looking to have kids. I’d caution you against deciding that you’ve been unlucky in love and that the next guy will be Mr Right because that’s a very risky strategy and I’ve seen how it ends. So in the name of turning some of my clients’ hindsight into your foresight let me say that it’s time to get serious. Christmas is coming! Men, the great news is you only really need to start panicking once you hit 45, up until that point your market value just keeps climbing.
The book to pick up to clarify what’s going on here is Keeping the Love you Find by Harville Hendrix. Don’t confuse it with the others he’s written, this one is the one you want because it will give you an introduction to attachment theory that’s actually readable. It also has some brilliant exercises, which I use with my clients, to illuminate where you are going astray.
Please be clear – It’s not my intention to blame you or shame you for where you’re at. I just want to spare you the years of delusion and disillusionment that some of my clients have faced. Everything getting in your way of finding love is workable if you’re willing to get serious about it rather than just flicking through magazines and reading articles, like this one, hoping you’ll change by osmosis. If you doubt how effective engaging a professional can be then take a look at some of these testimonials.
In the run up to Christmas, magic can happen. It’s a special time in so many ways and hopefully you’ll be able to get out of your way enough to have even more fun in your interactions with people. If you don’t have all the love and intimacy you desire then give yourself the gift of addressing it sometime soon. Ask yourself ‘When would now be a good time?’
Best wishes
Michael