I’ve been working with a client on what to say when someone asks about her relationship history. This is a bit of a sticky subject for Suzy as she’s now 28 and, aside from a relationship she had through University, she’s never been in a serious relationship. She had a couple of dates recently. When this question came up on both of them she was left feeling like she handled it very badly, got totally self conscious and went home early.

This got me to thinking about the nature of questions and how we answer them. In my experience a lot of people really don’t understand what they are being asked and can make a total mess of something that was only ever meant to be social fluff. If you’d like to know more about how to answer those tricky questions more artfully then please read on.

People ask questions on different levels. I like to think of the process of asking and answering questions as fooling around in a swimming pool. If someone is asking me a question and we’re in the shallow end then it’s meant as a very light and almost functional enquiry. `How are you?’ would be a great example of this when you’re passing someone in the corridor at work. Or the kind of question someone might open with on the telephone like, `What are you up to?’ In this part of the pool people aren’t looking for much from you and would generally like to keep it on safe ground. Answers tend to be thought of in terms of a few words.

A little further up the pool it gets more interesting. You know that point where you can just about get your feet down but you’re dancing around on tip toes and you can feel the slope of the pool. This is where you may aim to get to on an early date. Where flirting and banter might occur; the kind of conversation that makes you slightly nervous but without any risk of drowning.

Let’s say someone asks, `How are you?’ In this part of the pool you can think about it as an invitation to play. An answer that generally gets a smile would be `I’m fantastic, in fact if I was any better there’d have to be two of me or I think I’d explode.’ You may need to practice your cheeky tone but that line is a winner.

Then we’ve got the deep end and funnily enough, this is where we go deep. Your answers are now more in the vein of paragraphs than a couple of sentences. This is where you get to learn whether you can trust each other enough to get out of your depth together. You have the option of sharing things that you may well keep from the general population. When it comes to dating you are hopefully moving towards a sense of deeper intimacy and this is the place you need to get to for that to be possible.
The funny thing is that for most people this all happens outside of any conscious control and that can go badly. In most conversations we start out in the shallow end and then if we’re interested we move a little deeper. All the time we’re observing whether we’re both still comfortable with where we are heading. When there isn’t a smooth transition to the deep end it can feel really rude.

One of my clients has a mother who will call up out of the blue and then ask a question about his love life. Now as far as Peter is concerned this isn’t something he really wants to get into with her as thus far he hasn’t been totally honest with her about his sexual orientation. He’s then left with two choices, he can allow her to push him into the deep end or he can drag her back into the shallow end.

Once you understand that you always have these choices then conversation becomes a lot more fun. On a date you’d be looking to keep it light and playful most of the time. Start out in the shallow end with questions like; `How was you day?’ or `Did you have any fun today?’ They or you then have a choice about which way to move next. For a date to be effective it’s my understanding that it needs to be fun, at least a little challenging but definitely not traumatic.

Sometimes people go too deep too early. Suzy lives in fear of someone asking her, `Have you ever had a successful long term relationship?’ As a result of this fear any question that even remotely resembles that one quickly brings a full-on panic leaving her flailing around in the deep end. She ends up very self conscious and it ruins the flow of the evening.

Suzy was fazed because she always assumed that the question had come from the deep end and she was forced to answer it seriously and with full disclosure. However the truth is, that when you get right down to it, you’re in charge of where you answer a question from. So if you’re not comfortable with where you seem to be heading then answer from the shallow end. Suzy and I practiced a couple of quick light answers by doing role plays that would move the conversation back onto safer ground and allow her to get her feet down again. `You’re going to have to work a lot harder if you want to get that intimate with me!’ said with what’s termed a cocky/funny tone worked really well for her and it’s never been a problem since.

You need to understand that playfully dragging someone up and down the pool can be fun and is a way to up the level of intimacy and trust rapidly. In my experience anyone with great communication skills has a huge advantage in dating as they are the ones with all the power. I mean, have you seen the bodies on those swimmers?

Best wishes,

Michael

Tips On Handling Questions

Good things come in small packages
Some people hate small talk and see it as a waste of time. `What do you think of the weather?’ may strike you as a naff question but 99% of the population are really comfortable answering it. From there it’s a fairly easy segue into conversations about getting wet and you’re back in the pool. Small talk can lead to bigger things, learn to value it.

Take control when necessary
Every once in a while you’ll come across what’s referred to as an incompetent interviewer. Questions like `So tell me about yourself!’ or `What’s interesting about you then?’ are both questions I’ve been asked and answered really badly. If you let them, this kind of person will accidentally throw you into the deep end. Take a moment to catch your breath and then say something like, `Well that’s a really big subject, could you be just a little more specific?’ with a smile.

Feel free to clarify
For the perfectionist control freaks amongst us questions like, `Where are you from?’ cause real problems. If you struggle with an enquiry (any enquiry) you also have the option to ask a question in reply. `Do you mean where am I from or where do I live?’ You’d be amazed how often you try to come up with the perfect answer to a question you weren’t being asked.