The Priming Date
Wednesday, September 20th, 2006I recently started coaching Angela* on my Finding Mr. Right program. She had no problem getting male friends but then again, no idea how to shift the ones she really liked to becoming lovers.
This is an issue that both my male and female clients have and it’s really easily fixed. In fact, I teach people one sentence that makes the transition really easy. If they have the courage to use it, that is!
I’ve been re-reading a book called ‘How to Succeed with Women’ by Ron Louis and David Copeland. They have a brilliant concept which they refer to as ‘The Priming Date’. I’ve actually trained more of my female clients in its use and, almost without exception, they end up raving about their new found success with their love interest.
For years now I’ve been teaching people the value of context and how it overrules content. Context is the framework you set a meeting up within. Content is what happens within that meeting. If the person you meet up with isn’t clear on what your intention is then you have to work a lot harder with the content of the interaction and that is often a bit of an up hill struggle.
A priming date should last no more than about half an hour - which is why meeting up for coffee or a walk is just about perfect. According to Copeland and Louis there are a list of things that really need to happen on this date to establish the right context. It includes things like bathing beforehand and making sure you smell good, but I think you already know that.
So next time you meet up with someone for the first time this is what you have to do.
Touch your date at least five times
This should be casual and non-intrusive which establishes a physical contact precedent. If you do it well they accept your touch and start to like it. The contact should be quick and gentle enough that it’s over before they have a chance to react. You’re aiming to communicate a message of safety to their subconscious.
Touch their hand at least once
This is a step up the intimacy ladder. At some point when you want to emphasise something you’re saying just put your hand on theirs. It could be as simple as saying ‘You know, I’d never really thought of it that way before.’, or anything else that allows emphasis.
Look into your dates eyes just a little too long
A lot of these tips are about elevating their heart rate a little, without them really knowing why. This one works really well, especially if you combine it with touching their hand. You can take it a little further by moving your gaze from their eyes to some other part of his or her face. The authors claim that this is a subtle way of opening up some ‘personal space’.
Check out their body one time
Careful with this one. There is a right way and a wrong way to do this. Start out with eye contact and then do a quick body scan from top to toe and then back to their eyes. The fact that you return to their eyes communicates confidence and a desire to continue connecting more deeply. With this technique you’re letting them know that you find them physically attractive. Keep it subtle though, and repeat it no more than twice.
Guys - focus on her face. Women have very good peripheral vision and you’re not getting away with half the things you think you are!
Wink at least once
This is another way of creating a moment of intimacy. It’s got a kind of ‘welcome to my world’ feel to it. Make it quick, smile and limit it to once or twice or it just gets creepy.
Ask a romantic question
It’s the first step to setting up a romantic conversation which is the context you’re hoping to build here. A question like, ‘What’s the most romantic place you’ve ever been?’, will work really well. It also starts to get you out of the friendship rut.
Manage the romantic conversation
Do not be content with one word answers to your questions. Think about digging a little deeper by asking for more detail. ‘What was especially romantic about it?’ This is how you begin to build a more intimate mood. It also naturally causes your date to experience good feelings in connection with your face and that is always a good thing.
Use sensual language
Remember that you are aiming to establish a particular mood. Think about your words as being like spices. You can have a very powerful effect by using them correctly. Words like, attracted, passionate, romantic, seductive, exotic, delicious, erotic, tender, dreamy, special, etc. can all be used to great effect.
Whisper or change your vocal tone
This is another ‘welcome to my world’ technique. By doing this you are building a sense of a having a mutual secret, and whispering into anyone’s ear is clearly a little seductive. ‘That cake was really, really delicious.’ If you get the tone right you can make them weak at the knees.
Compliment three times
We all love compliments, even if we have a hard time accepting them. Safe things to compliment people on include; anything distinctive they are wearing, their perfume or aftershave or even their smile. The only exception to this is a woman who is clearly very aware that she’s drop dead gorgeous. There’s not much about her looks that you can say that she isn’t bored to death with.
Have fun
This is the most important bit. Try to do something that you’d be thrilled to do on your own. That way you’ve got nothing to lose and your energy is going to be high. That’s always attractive and sends out a sense of your excitement.
For those of you that were paying attention at the beginning you’re wondering what the one sentence is that I promised you. At some point during the date, after you’ve used some of the tips above, lean over to your date and say, ‘You know what, I’ve got male/female friends coming out of my ears. I’m open to you turning out to be a lot more fun than that!’ In terms of setting the context that line is gold.
Angela took about a month to get into a position where she was having to make serious choices about who she was going to go further with. This is a formula that works and if you were me you’d use it the next time you go out on a first date.
Enjoy,
Michael.
* We always change names for confidentiality.
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.