Take A Compliment, Will You?!
Wednesday, October 4th, 2006In my last article I suggested you should aim to compliment your partner on a first date at least three times. In all the time I’ve been coaching women on dating and getting more dates I’ve noticed that there is a phenomenon that occurs around compliments. One that makes life much more difficult than it needs to be. Recently I had such a blatant example of it happen that I thought it warranted an article.
I was teaching a seminar and during the break I happened to notice that one of my shyer female attendees was wearing what I thought was a fantastic watch. I approached her and said I thought her watch looked great, to which she replied. ‘It’s rubbish really. I got it cheap off e-bay’. With that she’d made a classic mistake. One that has probably cost women more dates over the years than you could ever imagine. Most people aren’t aware of the implications of the mistake she’d just made, but it’s enough to turn men off you. And if you’ve ever complained you don’t get asked out enough, you really need to know this.
Offering a compliment can be regarded as opening a gate. It’s an indication of interest the complementer has in you at some level and I’d advise you to revel in it regardless of who is offering it to you. Your ability to accept a compliment makes the giver happier and, if you happen to fancy him or her, it leaves the gateway wide open to a date. Unless of course it’s a bit leery, in which case a cutting thanks with a scowl will generally get your message across.
I would like to hold out to you the concept that if a guy fancies you, or just likes something about you, then you’re allowed to enjoy it, even if it’s going nowhere.
If Johnny in the marketing department says that your dress looks fantastic and you reply ‘You must be joking, this old thing? I got it from Primark ten years ago.’, you’ve done a very bad thing. Let me tell you why.
Firstly, and I think this is a big issue, you’ve communicated that he’s got crap taste. It most likely wasn’t your intention, but it’s how that kind of comment can be received. In general most of us men can’t tell Primark from Prada and don’t much care so long as it accentuates your assets and limits your liabilities. However, we don’t enjoy being told we are tasteless and it puts us on the back foot. If you’re looking for a man then, according to Leil Lowndes, your personality must be ‘warm, feminine and available’ - because nothing else is going to work.
I was watching a program about models and one of the things that amazed me is that pretty much every model you ever see has at least one thing that could be perceived as a flaw. Maybe her ears are too big, maybe her lips are too thin or her hips too wide, at least in the world of super models. The difference is that in their world they are trained to draw your attention away from their flaws. I know of a top model whose contract states that if it’s a profile shot then it’s only ever going to be her left side. So why, oh why, would you ever find it necessary to perpetually draw our attention to your weaknesses. It’s never going to make you more popular - so stop it!
You need to work out what your best assets are and make the most of them. The next time a guy compliments you on something, even if you’re not sure he’s right, smile graciously and say thank you. It’s painless and you both get to feel good.
Michael
Tips on Gateway Opening
Wear a whatsit!
Given that a compliment is the easiest way for anyone to engage you in conversation why not deliberately make it easier for people? If you wear anything a little out of the ordinary, or even just a really nice watch, it gives people something to talk about.
Assume they mean it
We generally have a hard enough time approaching people so I think it’s safe to assume that if anyone is going to offer you a compliment they mean it. It’s a very rare person that compliments someone with the intention of ridiculing them for it.
Learn to compliment
Knowing how to compliment makes it easier to receive one. A compliment should be personal and specific and would ideally use language that is rich in texture. ‘I like your shirt’ is a long way from ‘I think that colour of shirt looks great on you, it really brings out your eyes’. The second example makes it really clear that you’ve actually been paying attention.’
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