There is a question I’m asked more than any other when it comes to Finding Mr. or Miss Right, when I tell people that it’s essential that they take the time to work out their perfect partner. The question goes like this ‘Why, when my friends just found their partner, should I have to start working out specifically who I want in order to meet them?’
One of my newsletter readers sent me this little story about finding love, and I think it makes a great point.
One day, a man asked his teacher, “What is love? How can I find it?” The teacher answered, “There’s a large wheat field in front. Walk there without turning back at any point, and take just one leaf. If you can find one leaf that you think is more extraordinary than all the other leaves, it means you have found love.”
So the man walked to the field and not long after that, he came back empty handed. The teacher asked him, “Why didn’t you bring back a leaf?” He replied, “I did find one extraordinary leaf, but I didn’t know whether there was another more extraordinary leaf ahead, so I didn’t take that leaf. When I walked further, I realized that all the other leaves I found were not as extraordinary as the one I found previously. In the end, I didn’t take any single leaf.”
Then the teacher told him, “So… that is love…. and you lost it!”
On a regular basis I am asked by my clients whether finding the perfect partner is possible or whether it’s too much to ask for. The story above would appear to indicate that if we go after the perfect or most extraordinary love then we run the risk of ending up empty handed in our search for a mate. That’s really not how I understand the story though. Our man’s error, in the above story was not being clear on what an extraordinary leaf was to him. If he’d taken the time to become certain on the difference between what appeared to him to be an average, good, great or perfect leaf then I think his story would have ended much better.
In my experience everyone I ever work with has a deep understanding of exactly what they are looking for in a mate. Given the right space to develop your thinking and explore some of your hunches you could too. It’s my belief that this allows you to work out your basic compatibility before getting overly committed to a relationship that isn’t going to last. 50% of all marriages are guaranteed to fail, that’s huge. Think about it, you and a friend of yours get married and statistically one of you is going to be single again within the next 7 years or so.
The reason I have everyone work through the ‘Perfect Partner’ exercise is that it allows them to prioritize what they are looking for in love. You need to work out the difference between essential, very nice and happy bonus qualities in your loved one. That way, when you meet the person of your dreams you are going to recognize them and not just walk on by, leafing love behind (sorry I know that’s weak, I’m hoping my editor will fix it).
You are not looking for the perfect man or woman, you’re looking to find out who would be perfect for you. Stop looking for the perfect partner and find someone to love.
Tips and Disclaimer.
Take a look back at your most significant relationships. It’s possible to work out your ex’s most endearing or valuable traits and make them a priority in your next relationship. It’s equally possible to remember (maybe even easier) the stuff that used to drive you nuts. We are gifted with the ability to learn from our mistakes, it’s not such a huge leap to begin to act on that knowledge.
Be reasonable, the world is full of overweight, balding men looking for slim blondes with epic chests. There are also more than a few 5’11” women looking for men taller than they are before they’ll even consider dating them. Ideally you want the odds working in your favor.
The above story was originally about Plato, but I suspect Plato was smart enough to know that wheat doesn’t have leaves; it’s more of a grass. I nearly made it into a poppy field but didn’t want to mess with the style too much.
