Listen Carefully
Wednesday, March 7th, 2007I’m quoted in the March edition of Cosmopolitan in an article titled ‘Why he loves you more than you think’. My section is about how much importance you could be putting on the words your loved one uses about you. Men in particular are very literal when it comes to the things they say. At the same time they offer some really big clues about how they feel about you - if you’re prepared to listen.
One of the things that has become really apparent listening to women talk about their bad experiences is that generally a guy will let you know very early on what his intentions are in the longer term. This is what you need to listen out for…
When you are just hanging out together what are the kinds of things he’s talking about? Is he talking about a fantastic holiday he’d like to take with you in the future? Is he talking about a date with you next week? These kind of light and speculative type conversations indicate that you feature in his future fantasies. This is at least as meaningful as if your father had sat him down and asked him about his intentions.
If you’ve been paying any attention at all to your relationships with men you’ll have noticed that they seem to give out mixed messages. So many times I’ve heard women talking about their male friends making solid assertions that they’re never going to get married or never have kids. Later, sometimes years later, these very same men do get married and do have kids. So when a man tells you that he’s not interested in getting married what he’s really saying is that he’s not found anyone he’s interested in marrying yet. If this man is your long term boyfriend then it’s time to get concerned.
If you’re like 99% of the population I make the assumption that what you’re looking for is a life long relationship with the person of your dreams.
It has been demonstrated by John T. Molloy in his book ‘Why Men Marry Some Women And Not Others’ that the number one way in which a woman can up her chances of getting married is to make it a condition for the relationship. So if you’re looking for that serious, lifelong relationship you need to make sure he’s serious about you. Clearly this needs to be handled sensitively and in away that doesn’t appear needy. See my tips below for some suggestions on how to phrase this.
Anyone on my Finding Mr Right program is aware of the three month rule. This is a rule stating that if after three months your relationship isn’t moving from strength to strength then it’s time to move on. Now, clearly in most cases you wouldn’t be expecting a proposal in that time but I think it’s healthy that at least the desire is there. If it’s not, then at best, you run the risk of staying with a guy who may eventually manage talk himself into the relationship with you for the longer term. This isn’t the best of foundations and it’s likely this kind of guy won’t be much fun to be with.
My suggestion is that if it’s not moving in the direction you want it to then you accept that it probably never will and walk away. Molloy makes the point that women only have a certain amount of fertile years and they can’t afford to waste them on a guy that’s going to take three years to decide he’s just not that into you. He refers to these men as ‘stringers’ and if you check out his relationship history then the clues are there. You really must be willing and able to walk away if you get the impression that he’s wasting your time. Especially if you really love him and are just hoping he’s going to change!
If you do leave and suddenly he changes his mind about how much you mean to him, that’s great, but don’t leave hoping he may. Also, be aware that with a commitment phobic man, or woman, there’s a level of comfort. As a simple metaphor let’s say that you only want to be two and a half feet away from him but he wants three feet of distance. Well the moment you get irritated and start to back off more than three feet he’ll get uncomfortable and will start coming toward you. You need to be clear that if he’s trying to win you back that it’s on your terms, otherwise you just keep walking.
Men really do let you know how they feel about you. If he’s talking about how much he loves spending time with you then on some level he’s talking about loving you. If he’s not saying anything of the sort then he either doesn’t feel that way about you or he’s so emotionally cold as to be uninteresting (at least in my eyes).
Tips on Communicating Expectations
Guys - women are listening
This stuff is really important to them. They need assurances and reassurances about your intentions in the longer term. It’s only when they begin to feel certain of their security with you that you’ll begin to see the treasure she has to offer you.
Women - stop being subtle about your expectations
You’d do well to place conditions quite early on. One of my clients told her guy, ’Look I know you can have any woman you want, if you’re not serious about me then please just leave me alone as I’ve had more than enough heartbreak for one lifetime.’
Don’t give up the keys to the kingdom
I used to say that you needed to hold back on having full sex for at least the first three months. Now I think that one month is enough to clarify how serious a guy is about you. Players expect action on the third date so this should eliminate them. Keep in mind I’m assuming you’re meeting this guy at least twice a week for the month so there’s a sense of knowing him.
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.