It’s A Lot Like Buying A House!
Wednesday, April 4th, 2007About six months ago Mary came to me because she was sick of being single - except for the occasional bout of dating a guy who turned out to be totally unsuitable. She was eager to change her situation and wanted to know exactly how to do it. As I took Mary through our coaching program she made the observation that it was a lot like buying a house. I liked the analogy so much that I started using it myself in my conversations with clients.
Most of us know buying a home is not always going to be fun. In fact we’re pretty clear we can kiss goodbye to quite a bit of our free time as we traipse around all the options that our friendly estate agents are willing to offer. If we’re smart we just get on with it, with faith, courage, and a sense of adventure; knowing there is a concrete result out there in the not too distant future helps. The same is true of your relationship and if you can get it right you will be living in it for many years to come.
However, a few of you have been burned once too often, found the perfect relationship and then been gazumped at the last minute. Or chosen the wrong relationship and found after years of trying to knock down walls and plaster over the cracks that it was never right for you from the start. Whatever your past problems you’ve come to the stage where you’re struggling to believe you can find your Mr. Right.
So what can you do? The first thing to do is recognise that there’s usually one of four problems that’s standing in your way of finding your partner. Either you;
- Have come to the conclusion that the circle of relationship/break-up is too painful to continue putting yourself through
- Have been badly burned before and are scared to get back into the dating game
- Don’t believe there’s a man out there who will love you and who you’ll love back
- Don’t believe you’re worth it
Alternatively you’ve made the choice to be single, but I’ll ignore that seeing as you probably wouldn’t be subscribed to my e-zine if you were fully committed to remaining single.
The first two issues above are resolved by setting up the dating game in such a way that you don’t get into unsuitable relationships. First, you must get really clear on the attributes you need in a relationship to make it work in the long term. Secondly, you learn how to recognise whether the guy you’re sitting across from meets them or not.
In house buying you may get clear on the fact that 3 bedrooms are a minimum and that it must be within 30 minutes commute from work. Yes, you may well fall in love with a cottage in the countryside but a year down the line you’ll be driven to distraction by that 2 hour commute.
Points 3 and 4 are all about you. Primarily around your self esteem and probably built up by the recent experiences you’ve been having in the dating arena. There’s a multitude of different ways that you can lower your self-esteem and helping you to raise it is virtually the most powerful part of what I do. And, if you fall into this camp it’s potentially the most difficult one to take first step out of. You really need to pick up your faith and trust and just take the first step towards finding your partner.
Looking for your Mr. Right really is a lot like looking for a place to live. It’s hard work, there may well be frustration and more than a little disappointment. If you can stay committed, keep taking the next step, going on the next date, then at some point, you will find a relationship that you are happy to call home.
Tips on finding your Mr. Right
Don’t let desperation or frustration guide you
Pay close attention to what you really need to be happy and refuse to settle for less. There are a lot of people living in situations they are not thrilled about because they had a crisis of confidence at an important point.
Building dating momentum will make it easier
Do not spend too much time moping if something goes wrong or the market moves on and you have to start again from the beginning. With FMR I offer the money back guarantee that if you do the work you’ll be done in 18 months maximum. This gives people a sense of momentum and when they make a decision they are a lot more likely to apply themselves to making it work. Your dating skills and perceptual abilities are honed to perfection, if you spend to much time hiding beneath the covers then those muscles are going to turn to fat.
Know who you want and stick to your guns
Hunting for relationships can be a very painful experience when it all goes wrong. That’s why it’s so important to know up front what you need to be happy, to stick to your guns on it and not get distracted by the excitement and passion of the early phases of a relationship. This is much easier said than done because it means you may have to leave a person you still love even though you know you couldn’t live with him/her.
Personal Reflection
I’ve found a blindingly brilliant book on relationships called The New Rules Of Marriage
I’ve been thinking recently about updating the website with a list of books that I think make a concrete difference to life. If you’ve got any suggestions I’d be really interested to hear from you. You can either post your comments below and share your recommendations with all our readers, or email me through our contact form.
Best Wishes,
Michael
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April 9th, 2007 at 7:41 pm
Why men marry bitches
Why men marry some women and not others