I’m still putting the final touches to Should I Stay or Should I Go and I’m really amazed by what I’ve learned whilst researching it. So many more of the problems between couples than I ever realised are actually communication based issues not compatibility mismatches. This is great news if you are in a relationship and that includes friendships. I’m about to teach you a skill that may well revolutionise the way you view conflicts in your life.

Often times our conflicts are about trying to get other people to change and become more like ourselves. The irony here for me is that it’s hard enough for me to change myself let alone try to bend someone else to my will. It is my humble suggestion that we should all stop trying and take a lot more responsibility for handling our own emotional issues. The strange thing about this of course is that the moment you stop trying to bully your partner into changing they are generally more than happy to meet you half way. Let me show you how you do it.

Emotional literacy is a key skill in life. Most of the population struggle with trying to figure out how we are `supposed to behave’, how we are `supposed to react’, how we are `supposed to really love someone’. One of the things that my clients struggle most with is how to communicate hurt in a way that actually gets heard.

I used to teach people the basic phrase `When you did X, I felt Y.’ My client Rob* recently had an issue with his partner Mary forgetting to take their car in for a service. He found himself in a blazing row about it with her and had no idea why. Using the old phrase he said `Mary, when you failed to take the car into the garage I felt really angry’. I’ve been teaching people this stuff for years; it’s even in a book I could quote. Yet I look at that phrase now and wonder how anyone ever thought it would go well. I guess it’s light years on from `you really piss me off’ but I suspect it’s heard in the same way. Mary heard Rob blaming her and being angry with her and like most of the population reacted fairly badly.

Here is a really simple change you can make to put an end to most of your conflict problems. The new structure goes like this:

When you did X, I imagined Y and as a result I felt Z.

Using the example above Rob would now say; `Mary, when you didn’t take the car into the garage I imagined that you didn’t understand or care about how concerned I am about the car breaking down and leaving one of us stranded. As a result I feel upset.’

This new structure pushes what a friend of mine calls `the soft button’. It directly requires you to open up about a fear or insecurity of yours that has been triggered. People generally respond with love and affection to an honest request for reassurance. The other thing about the new structure is it removes the sense of blaming and gets you out of the criticise, counter-criticise or defend cycle. The one that so many conflicts get lost in. There is also less of an implicit demand that the other person fixes your feeling for you. This is all very good news.

There is a ladder of emotion in all conflict that goes from anger to sadness and from sadness to fear. A lot of us use anger as a way of trying to disguise something we are embarrassed about or feel ashamed of. This is particularly true of men. As men there is a pull toward using grandiosity as a way of asserting ourselves and never having to share our vulnerability. Being forced to disclose what we’ve imagined (instead of simply just what state we’re in) also forces us to push our own `soft button’. You’ll notice in the example that Rob moved himself from feeling angry to upset.

A few weeks later Rob was hoping to pick Mary up from the airport. He was really excited about her return and had great images in his head of a romantic reunion. However, on the phone the night before her return Mary announced that she’d booked a cab to take her home and she’d see him later in the day. Using his new skills he said; `Mary, you booking a cab home has left me imagining that you are not as excited about our reunion as I am and I have to say I’m feeling a little unloved and hurt as a result.’ This is light years on from the old Rob who would have just announced that he was pissed off that she was getting a cab home. With the new approach Mary explained that actually she was concerned that after a 14 hour flight she was going to look, and potentially smell, less than her best. Actually she was just as excited about their reunion as he was. She changed her mind and decided to risk not looking her best having brushed her teeth and re-applied her make up in the airport toilets.

This might appear simple because it is. The effects though are really profound. You will be amazed about the amount of times you avoid what could have been a fight by clarifying what is really going on between the two of you.

Best wishes,

Michael

Tips on stopping arguments

Promote positive intent
As you go through your day you will be amazed at how often an assumption you make works against you. Your rage at a guy for driving too fast becomes much softer when you realise that he’s off to hospital because his wife is in labour. Even if it’s fictitious, generating a good reason for someone’s behaviour will make for an easier life. This is especially true with strangers!

Practice every chance you get
Whilst your newly discovered X, Y, Z approach appears easy, it’s going to require practice. Try it with everyone you have any kind of relationship with. Clarifying the truth will generally make your life a lot easier rather than basing your life on assumptions. As my granny used to say `to assume makes an ass out of u and me.’ In the corporate world it’s `assumptions are the mother of all f’ ups’.

Start to tune up your softness
When you catch yourself getting angry try to take a while to feel out exactly what is going on for you. Anger is healthy when it’s felt and expressed correctly, a lot of our anger though is about trying to change someone and that’s entirely different. Anger is a signal that something is wrong. Next time you’re angry and you start pointing the finger at someone take a look at your hand, you’ll see that three of your fingers are actually pointing back into you. That’s what some would call a clue!