How To Make Dating More Fun
Tuesday, May 16th, 2006I was recently talking with a client who expressed great frustration with the amount of stress she was experiencing whilst looking for her Mr. Right. I know it can be a real challenge but I like to keep the whole dating thing very simple. In fact I think when you’re single and looking for dates even talking about dating is a major mistake as it implies something far heavier than what you are actually doing initially. I’ve got some ideas for you that others have used to great effect when it comes to meeting up with someone for the first time and how to make it more fun for you.
The first point I’d like to make is that if you’re meeting someone for the first time then the biggest mistake you can make is agree to dinner. I don’t know about you but my time is extraordinarily valuable and the last thing I would do is risk sitting down for dinner with someone who’s practically a stranger. If it’s a drag for starters, imagine how big a drag it will be by dessert.
My whole strategy revolves around a massive dating campaign. You’re looking for at least 3 meetings a week if you’re really firing on all cylinders and clearly dinner is too much commitment each time. Stop wasting time on people you’re not already sold on.
The clients I have that tell me they’re having fun at this stage of the process only agree to much easier meetings. Sitting opposite a stranger is stressful for most of us, so pick things you actively enjoy. In my experience even meeting for coffee is too intense.
One thing worth keeping in mind is that most men are uncomfortable sat opposite a stranger, it’s just the way we are wired. The smartest thing you can do, as a man or woman is figure out something you can do side by side. This would include things like walking in parks, by the river or even around a museum or gallery.
Having these kind of meeting works in your favour in several ways,
- You’re doing something you might even do on your own - so it’s fun. This means you won’t get stuck in regret about wasted time.
- You’re getting some exercise. Calories burned rather than ingested. Given you’re dating this is a good thing.
- You may end up doing something totally new and fun. Enriching your experience of life. In-store ice climbing anyone?
If this is your first meeting then just accept that, in some way, it’s going to be a little stressful. It’s also worth keeping in mind that regardless of how it looks, the other person is likely to be just as stressed as you. If you’re not careful then you end up infecting each other and starting out very edgy. This is not an excuse to start heading for the bar.
The quickest way of dealing with this is to get a grip. Now there’s something I didn’t get to say enough as a therapist.
Your life will be easier if you can focus on the reality of the situation you are in. You’re meeting up with a stranger who is also meeting up with a stranger. If you cut them a little slack then you’ll probably find they do the same for you.
The first meeting is just figuring out whether you can be friends with this person or not. And then hopefully getting a sense of whether you actually fancy them enough to pursue the relationship any further.
The funny thing is that most of that becomes clear in the first five minutes and it’s not got too much to do with what you say and is a lot more about who you are. You can have all the fanciest lines and cleverest dating tactics but in my experience people see through them and get a sense of who you are and what you stand for. The fact that this happens so quickly is actually very good news.
Sometimes you just don’t click, no chemistry, no fault of your own, it’s just time to move on. If you’re halfway through your starter when the penny drops - you’ve got no polite escape options, so do you still want to dinner?
Michael
More Tips On Pre-Dating
Daytime’s best
I’m very big on the idea of meeting in the daytime as it seems to allow everyone to feel much more comfortable. It’s totally acceptable to arrange a very short meeting if you’re not sure and then miraculously be able to stay longer if you really like the person you’ve just met.
Guys - on no account take strangers to dinner
You absolutely must pay for that first dinner or she’s going to think you’re cheap. However, it pegs you as a potential serious relationship. Seriously, you can’t win on this one. The bizarre upside is that if you didn’t buy her dinner, and she doesn’t want a relationship with you, you’ve got more chance of a fling. If you’ve no idea why that’s true then you’re still in dating nappies in my world. If you were a bit more switched on I think you’d be paying me for coaching as I could change your life forever.
A mass campaign
If you’re not filtering from large amounts of interest then your level of exposure is too low. There are so many reasons that this needs to be a mass dating campaign. Not least the fact that you probably still need the practice when it comes to making first impressions or you’d already have been snapped up.
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