Here are 7 practical steps to making the pain of your break up disappear as soon as possible. I’m hoping they’ll give you some ideas about how to get over a break up and turn surviving into thriving in the quickest way. Heartbreak is really, really painful and I know that there are times it can feel over whelming. I also know that, while it may sound trite to you right now, time is a healer. Sometimes it’s enough just to draw another breath or get out of bed again. You need to know that you are far bigger than your biggest feeling and keep in mind that even your darkest hour is only going to be 60 minutes in length.

Skim through the steps, then print off this practical advice on dealing with relationship break-ups. Keep referring back to it as you work through each step of the process. Yes, it will still take time, but working through the steps will reduce the pain of your break up as much as possible.

1. Feel your Feelings

You’re probably already doing this bit and are looking to move on, but feeling your feelings is an essential part of the healing process.

Some people really struggle with feeling certain feelings, some of us are easier with anger, others with grief. I’d encourage you to explore them all by writing a ‘Grief’ letter to your ‘X’. It’s important to know that you’ll never send this letter so you can really explore ever aspect of how you feel.

Take the time to explore what you’re going to miss and what aren’t you going to miss. What are you angry about? What are you sad about? What do you fear this break up means? What was your part in the break up? What are you always going to love or appreciate about your ‘x’. Explore it these questions in such a way that you can feel all the things you suspect may be true even if you’d rather they were not. Write the letter as if you writing it to someone who really cares about how you feel.

It’s really important that you take time to do this. Every time you leave a relationship there is a danger that you will harden your heart due to the pain and disappointment. That hardening makes you less attractive and makes your life a lot less loving. If you do this properly you’ll be able to reconnect with at least some of the love you felt for this person you’ve parted from. Not in a way that eats at you, in a way that nourishes your sense of life.
If you’ve loved deeply once then you can do it again. Work to keep your heart healthy and open.

2. Recognise the signal to move on

At some point – whether it’s days, weeks or even months – you’ll get a sense that you’re fed up with feeling bad. Maybe there’s a growing frustration with yourself that you aren’t moving on. Maybe you’re there right now; that’s why you’ve come looking for break up advice. If you aren’t yet at this stage yet then bookmark this page and come back to it when you’re ready or print it off and keep it until you are.

All you need to know is that this sense of frustration with yourself is a signal. The signal says that it’s time to take the necessary steps to move on from the end of your relationship. One of my favourite quotes is that ‘you don’t drown by falling into water, you drown by staying there!’ What do you do as a result of recognising this signal? Just complete the remaining steps of this process.

3. Use your emotion to move you on

Tony Robbins teaches a fantastic method for using your emotions to move you forward. He defines every core emotion as being a signal for action. This step is all about action and making the decision to move forward.
So what are you really feeling? Most commonly after a break up it will be hurt, inadequacy or loneliness. If your prime emotion is something else I’m sorry, there are too many to deal with in this article But if one of these is your main emotion currently, here are the steps to take:

Hurt – maybe as a result of your sense of loss.

Get a sheet of paper and a pen now. Take 10 minutes and write down all the reasons you won’t miss your partner. All the things they did that annoyed you about them. All the things you would have changed about them if you could have done. All the things you wanted from them that they couldn’t or wouldn’t give you. Keep the list and review it and add to it any time you get those feelings of hurt again. Try to think of at least 5 really big incidents that you remember clearly where you knew that this relationship wasn’t working for you. (You’ll need this sheet later on in the process.)

Inadequacy – Feeling unworthy.

Get a sheet of paper. For 10 minutes write down all the things you appreciate or feel proud about yourself for. What would your friends say they like or love about you (may be even actually ask some of your close friends). What do your family love about you? What have you achieved in your life that you were proud of? Who do you know that loves you? Sometimes when we feel low this can be hard to do. If you’re struggling with this and there’s nothing you feel good about then ask yourself ‘ If you could feel good about just one thing what would it be?’ Then ask yourself again. Trust me you are bigger and better than you think, you are a miracle in progress!

Loneliness – You need to connect with someone.

This is an important part of the process anyway even if you aren’t feeling lonely. Stay in contact with and go out with as many of your friends as you can. It’s important that you do this ahead of time rather than just waiting for the weekend to happen to you. Trying to reach out when your miserable is really hard and you can end up getting caught in a spiral. Being single is a luxury that you could easily miss. This serves to remind you that you still have lots of people to connect with in life, but it helps your mind to focus on some fun things in life.

4. Rid your environment of reminders

What you focus on you is what you feel. If you spend your time thinking about the loss of your partner – guess what? You’ll feel miserable. That’s why, once you’ve dealt with the real signals that the emotions give you, you must do as much as you can to focus your mind on things that please you.

Take the practical steps necessary to remove the reminders of your ex. from your environment. They will only act as triggers to think about him or her. Instead, when you see a reminder, use it as a trigger to get rid of that reminder – IMMEDIATELY!. Delete the telephone number, remove the pictures, store the presents. I’m not asking you to destroy them, just put them where you won’t see them on a day to day basis.

Out of sight, out of mind.

5. Do fun things!

As I said above, what you focus on you will feel. So generate yourself a list of things you like or love to do. Yes, again, you must write them down. So when you’re next focusing on things that are making you feel sad, you can run for the list, pick something off it and go do it. It’s the best way to speed up the process of moving on.

You’ll be amazed at how this works to change your mood.

Keep adding to your list… listen to loud music, dance around the room, sing your favourite fun song, watch your favourite film on video, go for a run or call a friend. You know the kind of things I mean.

The simple, easy and quick to do ones are the best.

6. Recognise you’re ready to love again

Well, I wish I could give you a really practical step here, but I can’t. What I can tell you is:

• Only you’ll know when you’re ready
• How long it takes is in your hands
• Set yourself a time limit

When you’ll be ready is a grey area. The truth is it will happen when you’ve fully accepted your past relationship is over and when you’ve fully dealt with your emotions around the break up. Not easily measured, but doing all the steps in this process will speed it along.

A rough guideline I quote for a limit to getting over a relationship is 1 month for every year of the relationship. Set that as your own time limit for moving on. What will be your month? Keep in mind that men tend to rush into the next relationship much too quickly and women tend to stay single too long.

If you feel like it’s time and you’re still finding it difficult to move on, then get some assistance.

7. Learn from your relationship

The reason you broke up? The real reason – was that you weren’t compatible. To ensure you increase your chances of finding someone to love for life, learn from your past relationships.

Take the list of things you may have written about in step 3, and store them in a safe place. If you haven’t already generated that list, then do it when you get to this stage of the process.

Also I want you to generate a list of things that you did like about your partner. And store that list too.

In one of my courses I call this the perfect partner exercise, and it’s critical to finding you the right partner in the future. But you can see why it’s necessary to have properly moved on from the relationship before you go through this exercise.

Finally, I wish you well. I know this is a painful time for you. If you need any further help from me, let me know.

Tags: advice, anger, break up, change, dealing with break up, emotions, frustration, grief, healing, heartbreak, help, How To Get Over A Breakup, hurt, inadequacy, loneliness, loss, moving on, pain, painful, past relationship, relationship, sadness