How To Get Over A Break Up
Wednesday, January 24th, 2007Mike and I are upgrading a few of the articles on our website and I decided that you may find this one useful. One of my rules for a successful relationship is ridding yourself of the fear of ‘walking’ (leaving the relationship). Once you’ve lost that fear you know you’re staying in a relationship because you want to, not because you’re too afraid to be on your own. So even if you’re not broken hearted right now you may want to view reading this as an investment in your future.
There are 7 practical steps to make the pain of dealing with a break up disappear as soon as possible. I’ve picked out the three most likely to give you some ideas about how to get over a break up and turn surviving into thriving in the quickest possible way.
During the first couple of days you can be a little numb, but there comes a time when it hits for most of us. Heartbreak is really, really painful and I know that there are days when coping with a break up can feel overwhelming. I also know that, while it may sound trite to you right now, time is a healer. Sometimes it’s enough just to draw another breath or get out of bed again. You need to know that you are far bigger than your biggest feeling and keep in mind that even your darkest hour is only ever going to be 60 minutes in length.
There have been times that I’ve worked with people who felt like surviving their heart break was impossible. They were unable to foresee a time when the pain would disappear. The truth is it won’t just disappear. That pain leaves a little bit at a time, day by day, week by week and then month by month. One day you’ll wake up and realise you’re having more good days than bad days and you’ll know you’re on the way to healing your broken heart.
Over the years I’ve learned a couple of tricks and techniques for having this process happen much more quickly and I’d like to share them with you here.
If you really are hurting in such a way that you wonder if you’ll make it through the night then please get help. You could call your GP, get in touch with a counsellor or even give me a call for one of my emergency sessions.
Yes, it will still take time, but working through the steps will reduce the pain of your break up as much as possible as well as minimizing any long term damage.
1. Feel your Feelings
If you’re already in the midst of dealing with a break up you’re probably already doing this bit and are looking to move on, but feeling your feelings is an essential part of the healing process.
Some people really struggle with feeling certain feelings. Some of us are easier with anger, others with grief. I’d encourage you to explore them all by writing a ‘grief’ letter to your ex. It’s important to know that you’ll never send this letter so you can really explore every aspect of how you feel.
Take the time to explore what you are going to miss and what you aren’t. What are you angry about? What are you sad about? What do you fear this break up means? What was your part in the break up? What are you always going to love or appreciate about your ex?
Explore these questions in such a way that you can feel all the things you suspect may be true, even if you’d rather they were not. Write the letter as if you were writing it to someone who really cares about how you feel.
2. Recognise the signal to move on
At some point - whether it’s days, weeks, months or even years- you’ll get a sense that you’re fed up with feeling bad. Maybe there’s a growing frustration with yourself that you aren’t moving on.
Before I say anymore on this let me just explain that the signal that you’re ready to move on is not just when you start berating yourself. Self hate is not what I’m talking about here. If you catch yourself saying things like, ‘You are so pathetic!’ or, ‘Get over it loser, she left you’ go back to step one and take the time to work out what you’re still angry or hurt about.
The signal you’re looking for is one that begins to suggest that you’re ready to move on. Hopefully it’s a voice full of love and compassion for you and your struggles. All you need to know is that this sense of frustration with yourself is a signal. The signal says that it’s time to take the necessary steps to move on from the end of your relationship.
3. Rid your environment of reminders
What you focus on you is what you feel. If you spend your time thinking about the loss of your partner - guess what? You’ll feel miserable. That’s why, once you’ve dealt with the real signals that the emotions give you, you must do as much as you can to focus on things that please you.
Take the practical steps necessary to remove the reminders of your ex from your environment. They will only act as triggers to think about him or her. Instead, when you see a reminder, use it as a trigger to get rid of that reminder - IMMEDIATELY! Delete the telephone number, remove the pictures, store the presents. I’m not asking you to destroy them, just put them where you won’t see them on a day to day basis.
Out of sight, out of mind.
Finally, I wish you well. I know coping with a break up is a painful time for you. I also know these are only words but it’s my sincere hope that you’ll find them comforting. I’ve been where you are and I know how to get you out. Knowing how to get over a break up and doing it are two different things, so if you need any further help, let me know.
Before you consider calling me, you can also read the full 7 steps of how to get over a break up.
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