Flirting Advice
Thursday, August 24th, 2006(Or using your conversation to get that first kiss)
I’ve been coaching Jerry for a couple of months now and he’s onto the multiple dating part of my program. He now knows what he’s looking for, he knows where to find lots of women he’s interested in and he even knows how to get their interest. As a result he’s getting past the first date and now wants to know how to make the next step. Moving the relationship forward from just being friends to getting physically intimate.
Have you ever been in a situation where you are over at your date’s house, it’s getting really late, to the point where you’re beginning to suspect that you may have moved beyond being friends but you’re really not sure? How do you get to that next step?
If you’re a man you can feel tremendous pressure and hopefully a little excitement. You’re right to be concerned, because as we know a huge percentage of the female population puts great weight on the first kiss as an indication of the potential quality of the relationship. Timing is a major piece of this judgement. Kiss a woman too early and you risk coming across as a bit of an oaf or even a player. Try to kiss a woman too late and she may not even give you the option as she’s already moved on mentally due to your timidity. Women may well need a lover with a slow hand but it had better be firm.
Of course, as a woman this phase is potentially very confusing because you have no idea what is going on in his head. Let’s face it, men are notoriously bad at signalling their intentions. They can also seem a little slow because things that are obvious to you could totally elude him. Well here’s one way to get past that uncertainty.
First off you have to look for indicators of interest. Let me give you some real life examples of immense density when it comes to what people miss.
‘My guitar teacher stayed chatting with me until 2am last night, for the third week in a row. Do you think he’s interested?’
‘She kept fiddling with my clothes and patting my arm. Do you think she’s interested?’
‘We were laid on my bed listening to music and play fighting. Do you think she’s interested?’
I’m not making those up. I really do appreciate how scary this stuff is for a large chunk of the population and the more you like someone, the scarier it becomes. But let’s get real - of course he or she is interested! In fact in my experience if you’re even asking that question there is a 95% probability that they are interested. All they are waiting for is an opening and the second step is to provide that opening.You need to build a bridge. Start talking about something that appears fairly neutral (i.e. because it’s not about the two of you) and then push it forward. Both men and women can get away with initiating at this level without embarrassment.
An example would be.
‘I was reading an article about what people find sensual and it talked about how they can find the strangest things a bit of a turn on.’
Your follow up could be something like.
‘It got me to wondering about what kind of things are sensual for you. I mean I’m really big on taking long hot baths with a glass of wine and bubbles. What about you?’
Or, ‘I was watching a holiday TV show about a bunch of teenagers and the antics they got up to. I was reminded of how much lighter and fun romance could be back then and sometimes I wonder if it’s all got a bit serious. I mean when was the last time you snogged someone so much your face hurt?’
Or even. ‘I was reading an article about seduction and it said that it’s different for everyone. If you were going to seduce someone, how would you do it?’
Now I know they read a little wooden but you’ve got to get them into context. You’ve moved the conversation towards romance, they’re not necessarily come ons, but you’re building a bridge. They will either step onto it or not. You need to stay light and remember that you’re having fun.
If he or she tells you that they love soft, gentle kisses at first then your humorous reply should be something along the lines of. ‘Ok, I’ll try to remember to keep my tongue in my own mouth for the first 5 seconds then.’ That way you bring it back to yourselves and you’re indicating interest.
There are clients of mine that have argued that you need the right mood before asking these kinds of questions but I think these questions will set that mood. The only issue is that you need to be comfortable and relaxed with the questions. If she punches your arm and tells you that you’re a perv, then your answer is something like ‘I’m sorry, you just bring out the worst in me’ and punch her back. Do not under any circumstances have a shame seizure and start back pedalling. If you’re a man this is one of the biggest lessons I would teach you - do not supplicate!
So your challenge is to set something up that leads towards intimacy. It doesn’t matter too much how clunky it is, although ‘Do ya fancy a shag?’ probably won’t cut it. Remember if you’re wondering if there is something going on between the two of you, then there probably is. Time to take the next step. Check out the tips below for more concrete ideas.
Michael
Tips on Moving to the Next Step
- Move in close. Don’t sit opposite your date, try to get some ‘accidental’ touching going on. You know the way your knees or forearms sometimes just brush against each other? Well, don’t pull away. For goodness sake learn how to read palms or give a great hand massage. Get physical and allow them to get comfortable with it.
- Bump into them more often. If you’re walking, playfully bump her with your shoulder or throw your arm around her if she says something funny. You need to get comfortable being physical. Women - you can be physically playful and make things a whole lot easier for your average, ‘terrified of offending you’ male.
- Kiss them goodbye. If you can be playful, it’s possible to tell her to kiss you goodbye. When she goes to kiss you on the cheek, you step back and say ‘Not there silly, here!’ Point to your mouth and lean in. Never ask a woman if you can kiss her, she may well feel compelled to say no as you’ve made it her responsibility. This is an area that the man really does have to take the lead on.
- Throw out some furniture. I have a client with a flat that has a great view across London. He was trying to figure out if the woman he’d been dating was romantically interested or not and explained that the best view was from the bedroom lying down on the bed. The first time she sat on the bed she bounced up like she’d got a shock but at least he’d got her into the bedroom. He stayed on the bed chatting, stayed relaxed, and given there was no where else to sit in the bedroom she came back to the bed. Eventually they were laid there with legs entwined (that stuff isn’t accidental, you’ve got to risk it.) Conversation came around to kissing, got a little strained for a while but then he made his move and away they went off into the sunset.
- Open your eyes. Just keep testing. If you reach out to touch your partner and he or she recoils then the time is not right. If they relax into it then they are telling you to make a move on them. Try stroking someone’s hair or just reaching out and taking their hand . It’s really not difficult to tell if they’re interested. You’ve just got to build a bridge for them to walk over. Also keep in mind that there is a world of difference between ‘No, not now.’ and ‘No, not ever!’
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