Early Signs of the Wrong Relationship
Wednesday, August 15th, 2007One of my favourite activities, assuming that the water is warm enough, is to body surf. It’s a simple enough concept - surfing without the board. I just love swimming out into the sea and getting flung around while pretending to be in control of where I’m heading. Given I started late I’ve never been particularly good at reading the signs and at points have been dumped pretty spectacularly by some rogue waves. I’ve always seemed to get off pretty lightly but I have heard some real horror stories about people nearly killing themselves.
When it comes to relationships I’ve noticed that some people are just as reckless about entering into a situation that could very well do them serious damage. When you’ve worked with as many people as I have it becomes obvious that people do things that are really not in their best interests; resulting in lots of pain and suffering a little way down the line. For this reason I teach my clients to look out for their red flags as they enter into any relationship. Let me teach you how and why to avoid getting yourself into treacherous waters.
When it came to body surfing the most stupid thing I ever did was attempt to get into a seriously stormy sea in Belgium. A friend and I had our wetsuits on, and made our way down the beach. The sea was totally wild, the biggest waves I’d ever seen, and I was really excited about the idea of getting out there. I was younger then, and immortal in that way all young people in a wetsuit view themselves as being. The red flags, that indicated it wasn’t safe to swim, were up but I generally didn’t pay much attention to them. The bigger the waves, the stronger the currents and the more exciting the event as far as I was concerned. Such was the life of the intrepid body surfer!
On this particular day though it was so rough we were having a hard time even getting in due to the way the waves were breaking. Fortunately for us our attempts were rudely interrupted by an enraged lifeguard who proceeded to berate us for our stupidity. Initially I was less than impressed by her manner, but now feel very grateful. It turns out that when waves hit a certain size they suck up so much water that it’s impossible to swim past them. Every time you get close to escaping they just suck you back into another wave and toss you around dumping you on the sea bottom. That day the waves and local conditions were such that there was just no way we’d ever have got out.
So now when I see the red flags up on the beach I’ve learned that it’s a signal and it’s just not worth the risk of pain and suffering, especially when there are so many days when the same waves are safe. I use this as an illustration for some of my clients who, given their history, I can see are about to head off into yet another potentially risky or even disastrous relationship.
So here’s a remarkably easy exercise to work out your relational ‘red flags’ in under 5 minutes. Just look at your five most significant relationships and write down all the things that used to drive you insane about your partners.
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What were the things that used to leave you sad and hurting?
What were the things your ex would do that left you feeling alone?
What are the things you swore you’d never tolerate again?
Examples would be things like, getting with men who just never communicated their feelings or wouldn’t listen to you about yours. Getting with women who were pathologically jealous and would stalk you to make sure you really were going home when you said you were. Or my personal favourite, getting with men who are married, either to another woman or their career, and are guaranteed never to make you a priority.
The great thing about these relational red flags is that they are totally personal to you and your own sensitivities. Take the example of the guy above whose priority is always going to be his career. For some women that’s not an issue as they don’t want to be so involved, but for others it’s excruciating. If you already know it’s going to be a disaster for you then why are you getting into it? There is an answer to that question but I’d probably need to coach you for a while to get you to admit to it!
So now you know what your red flags are. Try paying more attention as you enter into the earlier stages of dating someone. If you’re looking for a guy that’s able to communicate and be open with you then stop falling for Mr Tall Dark and Mysterious down the pub. And, if you do make the mistake of falling for him, realise that you’re going to get crashed around and aim to get out before you’re so battered and bruised that you don’t recognise yourself. Sure you can jump into a crazy set of waves but you need to know when and how to get out.
Good luck,
Michael
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