Dealing With Heartbreak
Wednesday, May 16th, 2007I have a client who’s dealing with heartbreak. She recently broke up with someone she considered to be the love of her life. It happened very recently and as a result Christine* is feeling really raw. She wrote me a very pained email detailing just how totally overwhelmed she felt by her grief.
As often happens in these times Christine was feeling totally depressed and had talked herself into believing that her life was pointless, that she was useless and that she would never find anyone to love her. Added to which she’s heaped on a bunch of financial pain due to some cash flow problems she was having. Christine had started to seriously consider taking a walk to the beach, leaving her trainers at the sea’s edge and just swimming out**. If you’d like to know how to get yourself out of that kind of pain, should it ever happen to you, then please read on.
Christine is a hugely successful therapist earning over $1,000,000 dollars a year. I say this to make it clear that even though she was feeling worthless and pathetic she’s a long way from it. It also demonstrates that how you feel about yourself has very little to do with how the rest of the world feels about you. However, there are times we can get into emotional spaces that totally mess with our ability to think clearly.
Due to her own scheduling issues Christine was unable to speak to me in person about this, so I wrote her a reply by email. It touched her so deeply that she upgraded me from being ‘the best personal coach I’ve ever met’ to ‘the greatest personal coach on the planet’. High praise indeed from such a gifted woman.
The letter I wrote included all the things I try to keep in mind when life gets a little dark for me - a way of getting myself through the tougher times. Christine showed the letter to a couple of people who said they found it strangely comforting and she suggested that I publish it. So here it is, pretty much in its entirety. I’ve kept it in the first person so it speaks directly to your heart. If you’re feeling down this is pretty much exactly what I’d say to you dear reader:
I’m sorry to hear that you’re sounding so down and struggling with the pressure that you’re under. I’ve been thinking about your situation most of the evening and the best I can come up with is that you are rich beyond your wildest dreams. Money really isn’t the issue here, it’s your sense of worth that’s causing you pain.
For me how I measure my worth and meaning is around contribution. How many people are alive now that might not have made it without me? How many people have better lives as a result of the work I do or advice that I’ve given? I keep reminding myself of the numbers of people that think fond thoughts of me and the things I’ve given them. Then I think about the people who they pass that onto and the whole thing is like a pebble in a pond.
You have no idea what you’ve done for people and how much you touch them and that’s part of why you’re in pain right now. You’ve forgotten all the lives you’ve made so much better, all the people who talk about you being a great person, loving friend, inspiration and sometimes just a place to lean and feel human again. If all you’d ever done was make one person’s life that little bit better, or eased their pain a fraction, then I think you’ve accrued enough merit or credit with the powers that be to never earn another cent and still be proud.
You’re generous with your time and energy and insight. You celebrate people’s success rather than compete with them, and you do your absolute best to make them even better than you at what you do.
Let me share a few things I try to keep in mind when it feels really bad.
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1. Your darkest hour will only ever last 60 minutes
2. That which is to burn brightly must be able to endure burning
3. Your success will be measured only in terms of the love you leave behind when you’re gone
4. This too will pass
5. Breath in, breath out - repeat as necessary
Personally I think it’s a miracle that you’re still standing. But I know that when people have said that to me, I think it ridiculous, as it’s not like I can ever afford to give up or fall down.
You sound very down right now, trust that it will pass. Sometimes when on top of a hill I’ve looked across the valley and seen a huge black cloud’s shadow passing over people. It occurs to me that they can’t see the edge, so for them it’s potentially going to stay dark. Given a bit of perspective though, we can trust that this too will pass.
I’m really, really glad that you’re alive, as are so many others. You’re going to get through this and you’re going to shine again. Here’s a song for you by James Morrison, it’s been a theme tune for me that has helped me through some of my downs.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apb-kHZ5vto
Take some care of yourself, I’ll be meditating on your situation and healing you from a distance. That’s my way of saying you’re in my prayers. Thanks for reaching out to me, I’m always happy to make a difference.
Your loving friend who really cares,
Michael
Tips On Dealing With Heartbreak
Learn to be honest
It’s important that we have at least one place we can be totally honest about where we are emotionally. There is no shame in that being a paid professional or even your GP. If you’re feeling suicidal then it’s important to speak with a professional. Bare minimum speak with your GP. All it takes is one really bad day and you could make a mistake you don’t get the chance to regret.
Be a magpie
Start to collect the nice things people say about you. Have photos of your meaningful events, and postcards of your favourite places. Create a place you can keep them so you can refer to them if you lose your way emotionally. It will help you remember that you’re rich even when you’re feeling poor. Gratitude for what we actually have is one of the quickest routes out of misery.
Create a championship support team
We are relationship seeking animals. We generally do very poorly in isolation which is why it’s used as a torture method. Start to build a small group of people who you know love you and are able to support you if you fall. Falling in life is guaranteed, it’s how fast you can pick yourself up again that makes all the difference.
*We always change names to protect the anonymity of our clients.
** If you’re feeling suicidal then it’s important to speak with a professional. Bare minimum speak with your GP. All it takes is one really bad day and you could make a mistake you don’t get the chance to live to regret.
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