Coping With Loneliness
Wednesday, February 21st, 2007Teresa broke up with her boyfriend about six months ago and whilst the feeling of being heart broken had disappeared she was still in a lot of pain. Like many of the single people I coach Teresa was often caught out by her feelings of loneliness. It really came to a head for her on January 1st at about 2am in the morning. What she found to be especially painful was the fact that she’d just spent the last 6 hours partying with her favourite friends after a day on the ski slopes with them.
Loneliness is one of the reasons I insist my clients agree to a ‘man ban’ during the first couple of months of coaching with me. Feeling lonely is such a powerful pain that people will get into the strangest relationships in order to avoid it. If you’d like to know how to come to terms with loneliness then please read on.
I’ve been coaching people long enough to know that feeling lonely can happen in a multitude of circumstances and ways; Having to go to a wedding on your own because you’re only allowed to bring a ‘significant ‘ other and then returning to an empty house. Trying to organise a girlie lunch or a boys night out and having your friends bring their partners along. Being continually surrounded by happy, laughing couples having their perfect relationships all around you in the street or out shopping. And then you have the pain of shopping for one and then carrying it all home on your own. Added to all that you have got the agony of pretending that everything’s fine because you’d hate anyone to know you’re lonely because it’s so unattractive – that only adds to your sense of isolation.
The first point I make about loneliness is that it can’t kill you, you won’t die of it. It is only ever going to be a feeling. It is a particularly insidious one, but you’re always going to be far bigger than your worst feeling. It’s no excuse for getting yourself into yet another pointless relationship because it’s better than nothing.
That emptiness you’re feeling is the new found space in your life that’s opened up for you to explore. Right after a break-up you’ve got heart break but eventually it just feels like you’ve got a hole in your life. That hole is a space that you could grow into. Being single is said to be a luxury we often fail to notice in our desire to get back into a relationship.
Different people handle the experience of being single in different ways. For some it’s very painful and for others it’s a cause for celebration as they get back out into ‘the game’, knowing they are one step closer to winning. Bare minimum they now have enough free time to catch up with their friends or upgrade their wardrobe.
In order for a situation to be really, really painful you must believe three things are true of it. You must believe it’s permanent, personal and all pervasive. Teresa was busy telling her self that she’d never find another man as nice as her ex because she was totally depressed and always would be. She was miserable because ‘everyone’ she knew had a great relationship so her failure really was (as far as she was concerned) personal to her. Added to which Teresa told herself that no one really cared about her situation and her friends were all sick of her whining. She’d taken to drinking on her own at home whilst singing along to an ‘All by Myself’ type sound track a la Bridget Jones with no hope of being rescued.
You may be lonely but you’re a long way from being alone. All over what ever town or city you live in are people just like you feeling lonely and worthless because they aren’t in a relationship. The irony of course is that the reason Bridget Jones was such a hit is that everyone could identify with it. Even the men I coach, their loneliness may look a little different but it’s just as painful. Loneliness is not personal to you, you’re just not that special.
Teresa realised fairly quickly that it really wasn’t a permanent state. Through her day there were certain hot spots like going to bed, waking up alone, sitting down for breakfast or as she was putting on her running shoes which were all things she did with her ex. So we came up with some ways of breaking up those feelings. This is a fairly well kept secret but getting your self a cuddly teddy bear, giraffe or even elephant will help you get over that empty feeling.
The scientific term is ‘transitional love object’ and they really help with not feeling alone in bed. You could of course get a cat or dog if you can deal with the responsibility and your lease allows for it. This has worked so many times I could write a book on it but it’s not what I want to be famous for :-). Get yourself something cuddly!
The other thing about permanence is that it’s clearly not true. You’ve been in love before and you will love again, that much is a given. There are thousands of people out there desperate to get to know you better. The more interesting challenge is setting up a relationship that both parties feel is worth making permanent and that I can help you with. You’re a grown up. Yes, your last love may have been amazing but trust me, once the hormones kick in again you won’t spend too much time looking back.
Teresa’s had gone a long way to convincing herself that all her friends had gone off her and didn’t want to deal with her sadness. Her lack of love was now all pervasive. As a result she’d started staying home on the weekends and had got herself into a vicious circle. This was very easily interrupted by Teresa phoning her closest friends and making an arrangement to go to the cinema with them and then building on that connection.
It’s really that simple, if you’re feeling bad you’ll be telling yourself that at least two of the terrible triad are true. Is your situation really permanent, personal and all pervasive? The faster you can dismantle that particular piece of internal dialogue the better you’ll feel. So what are you saying to yourself that’s making all of this so much worse?
Michael
Tips on Dealing With Loneliness
Do something physical that involves other people
Learn how to rock climb which will teach you to trust people again. Learn Ceroc or some other partnered dance which will at the very least mean that someone you like will hold your hand at some point in an evening. All of these things get you out of your head and back into your body.
Become one with yourself
Tai Chi, Yoga and meditation could also help but they lack a sense of connection to others which can be important when lonely. The up side of these practices is that you may learn to get your feelings into perspective and stop having to run away from them. That’s no small thing.
Plan ahead
Try to arrange things to do with people well ahead of the times you’d normally get sunk in feeling lonely. Don’t leave it until Friday night to start planning for your weekend.
Get something to take care of
It’s a funny thing but sometimes the thing we miss most is having someone to care about. You could buy yourself a plant, a pet or even take me up on the cuddly toy idea. Be careful about the pet though, if you’re not careful it could well become a long term reminder of how lonely you felt.
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