Recently one of my e-zine subscribers emailed me about an experience that she and three of her friends had. It seems they went out speed dating and none of them found anyone of interest. Which resulted in the question ‘Where are all the suitable men?’ Well generally I try to keep that kind of information for my paying clients but given it was such a direct request I’m going to share it with you.

The suitable men have a special club that they belong to. It’s a club that requires a suit and there are no women allowed. If you’re looking for them you’re out of luck because they’ve realised life is a whole lot easier without a woman looking for the perfect man.  They have passwords, secret handshakes and everything else necessary to keep their club well hidden.  You’re never getting in. So thanks for asking.

That leaves you with the rest of us!

The real answer to ‘where are all the suitable men?’ is simply this. That suitable man is wherever you are, he’s walking in the same park you’re in, he’s in the same coffee shops you’re drinking in, he’s standing next to you in the supermarket. You may not meet him today or even tomorrow but I know for a fact he’s out there.

So how can 4 women go to a speed dating event and not manage to find at least one suitable man? I even spoke to the woman that wrote to me. It turns out that 15 guys ticked her box, which means they’re eager to date her. She only dated one of them who turned out to be too young for her.

I attend dating events in a professional capacity and I know that they can attract the worst kind of men, but generally 75% of them are presentable and you can side step the rest. So worst case scenario this woman got ticked by 5 social liabilities which leaves her with ten at least reasonable men. So she picks the guy that’s too young. Does that strike anyone else here as interesting?

One of the earliest things my clients do, male or female, is draw up a list detailing their ‘Perfect Partner’. There is a tendency for some people, and this generally applies more to my male clients, to be totally unrealistic. So point number one is that if you’re looking to get with someone who’s a ten you better be at least an eight or they’re not going to approach you or allow you to approach them.

The second issue, and I think this is where the initial question really comes from, is that a ten will rarely be found at a speed dating event – finding people to date isn’t something they struggle with. Your job is to find the places where they do spend time. This is the tricky bit for some people but it’s easily fixed. There are so many different ways of meeting people. The thing is, it takes perseverance.

One of my clients started going to Toastmaster’s because she wanted to meet some quality men and figured that an organization dedicated to learning how to speak up in public would be a great place to start.  Initially it was hard work, the group was fairly closed but over time things started to warm up and before long she was dating the Vice President.

If you start dance classes then you need to persevere to the point where you stop looking like a dork, and then people will get a lot more interested. It’s a phenomenon referred to as ‘social proof’. Once you start being accepted in a group your value goes up and suddenly you have chemistry.

Potentially the truth is that our suitable men really are hanging out in clubs, you’ve just got to get access and figure out how to get their attention. If the people you meet are below the standards you’ve set then you need to look in a better environment. I once worked with a guy who worked as a bouncer in a strip joint and wondered why all the women he met there seemed to be a little unsuitable.

So I have two answers to the question.

One possibility is that some of the things you’re specifying as essential qualities are unrealistic and either you, or your love interest, are never going to measure up. The second possibility is that you’re hanging out in all the wrong places. If this is your issue it’s time to stop being lazy and generate some much better ideas about where to find these ‘suitable men’. A relevant quote by Edwin Lowes Cole that I like is ‘You don’t drown by falling into water, you drown by staying there.’

For More Tips For Finding Mr Right – Please See Below

I run a course called Finding Mr Right for women looking for dating advice. At some point during the classes or workshop I like to check out people’s understanding of what love really is. I do this by asking them what their favourite love stories are, books or movies. It’s a really useful exercise so I’d ask you to think about it right now. This isn’t just for people seeking dating advice, it’s also very helpful as relationship help because it could assist you to become a little more forgiving.

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Your Sexual Pilot Light!

It may be an indication of my age but I can remember an advert for Turkish Delight that featured a tag line stating that it was ‘full of eastern promise’. Come to think of it the Flake adverts weren’t exactly subtle either. I’ve got close friends in advertising and you can bet that if there’s a way of working sex into an ad they’ll find it. If you are looking for great dating advice then those ads hold some helpful clues.

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In my last article I suggested you should aim to compliment your partner on a first date at least three times. In all the time I’ve been coaching women on dating and getting more dates I’ve noticed that there is a phenomenon that occurs around compliments. One that makes life much more difficult than it needs to be. Recently I had such a blatant example of it happen that I thought it warranted an article.

I was teaching a seminar and during the break I happened to notice that one of my shyer female attendees was wearing what I thought was a fantastic watch. I approached her and said I thought her watch looked great, to which she replied. ‘It’s rubbish really. I got it cheap off e-bay’. With that she’d made a classic mistake. One that has probably cost women more dates over the years than you could ever imagine. Most people aren’t aware of the implications of the mistake she’d just made, but it’s enough to turn men off you. And if you’ve ever complained you don’t get asked out enough, you really need to know this. (more…)

I recently started coaching Angela* on my Finding Mr. Right program. She had no problem getting male friends but then again, no idea how to shift the ones she really liked to becoming lovers.

This is an issue that both my male and female clients have and it’s really easily fixed. In fact, I teach people one sentence that makes the transition really easy. If they have the courage to use it, that is!

I’ve been re-reading a book called ‘How to Succeed with Women’ by Ron Louis and David Copeland. They have a brilliant concept which they refer to as ‘The Priming Date’. I’ve actually trained more of my female clients in its use and, almost without exception, they end up raving about their new found success with their love interest.

For years now I’ve been teaching people the value of context and how it overrules content. Context is the framework you set a meeting up within. Content is what happens within that meeting. If the person you meet up with isn’t clear on what your intention is then you have to work a lot harder with the content of the interaction and that is often a bit of an up hill struggle.

A priming date should last no more than about half an hour – which is why meeting up for coffee or a walk is just about perfect. According to Copeland and Louis there are a list of things that really need to happen on this date to establish the right context. It includes things like bathing beforehand and making sure you smell good, but I think you already know that.

So next time you meet up with someone for the first time this is what you have to do. (more…)