But, What Do I Say?
Wednesday, November 15th, 2006Every time I present a class on ‘How to Talk to Anyone’ I’m asked by at least 50% of the class to explain how to best approach strangers. In particular, people want to know how to approach someone they find attractive.
There’s a very common attraction pattern where the better they appear, the scarier we make them. There’s a funny (well, painful really!) dynamic that occurs when you’ve become excited and interested in a member of the opposite sex whereby you suffer the paralysis of analysis. What would I say? Maybe he’s too busy to talk to me? Supposing she thinks I’m an idiot?
How often in your life have you seen someone that looks really interesting, and in some way attractive to you, yet you haven’t done anything about it? Would you like to learn an easy to master technique to rid yourself of this problem once and for all?
The fear of introducing yourself to strangers applies to far more than singles trying to get a date; it’s relevant to anyone that has to meet people. That said, the most painful occurrences are generally around love interests so that’s going to be the focus of this article.
Let’s say you see a person across the room that really lights your lights. Maybe you’ve taken the time to work out what constitutes your perfect partner and you instinctively know that you and this person have a lot in common. In a perfect world you’d walk right over, introduce yourself and leave arm in arm for a stroll into the sunset. I happen to know from my experience, both personally and professionally, that this rarely happens. In fact, the more excited we get the less likely we are to do anything because it’s so scary.
I know of people who find it so scary that rather than actually approach the person they’ll make up reasons why it would be a waste of time. Two of my favourite bits of nonsense I’ve heard people come up with being, ‘I bet she has a couple of cats at home and I hate cats’ and ‘He’s so well dressed he’s got to be a workaholic!’
The most common question I hear around this subject is, ‘But what do I say?’ It’s like the million dollar question. In the end there are lots of different answers and it really depends on the situation. After years of reading books on the subject, attending courses, scouring the internet, getting it badly wrong and then sitting cross legged in quiet contemplation for hours I’ve come to the conclusion that the best thing to say is - anything.
In the first 30 seconds of an interaction what you say is largely irrelevant, it really doesn’t seem to matter. Remember to speak within reason of course, since the observation ‘That shirt is truly hideous’ is rarely a winner.
The best introduction I’ve learned goes like this: compliment, ask a question and then introduce yourself. It’s important to keep in mind that both of you are likely to be a little edgy around each other initially so your aim is to ensure that the other person knows they are safe in your company by being at least semi-coherent when it comes to conversation.
So, the bargain basement introduction is to look for the place they’ve spent a lot of money or effort around their appearance and tell them you like it. People really want to be praised and this is your quickest way to win their affection. It’s as if people are houses, you don’t want to go crashing into their bedroom, just aim to get through the front gate for starters. You then smile, face them, look them in the eye and ask a fairly innocuous question such as: How do you know the host? What do you do when you’re not here? Where did you get that?
Remember it doesn’t really matter what you ask because you’re both busy checking each other out on so many different levels the words rarely make a difference. If you are going to click as friends, it will happen fairly quickly and if it feels like hard work you may well be wasting valuable time.
Now, I know it’s not quite that simple, particularly if you’ve managed to get yourself all stressed out about blowing it before you’ve even begun. There are ways of making the approach much easier. Hopefully you’ll use the tips below to become really, really good at this.
In summary, I encourage anyone who has to meet new people (Hmm - isn’t that all of us?) to keep the compliment, question, introduce pattern in mind. With a little practice all this becomes second nature and you can get out of your own way.
Michael
Tips on Approaching Strangers
Practice, Practice, Practice
Anybody that makes something look effortless has spent a long time getting to that point. Start out by complimenting your granny on her outfit and work your way up from there. Spend a month complementing every person you meet on something. You will become a master complementer in no time at all.
Memorize some great questions
Everybody loves to be asked for their opinion. You need to set it up properly but remember you’re just trying to engage someone in conversation. Two questions my clients are loving at the moment are, ‘Who do you think lie more, men or women?’ and ‘If you had the choice between being able to fly like superman or being invisible which would you choose?’ You set it up with a statement like, ‘I was watching TV last night and they said something I’m not sure is true, I was hoping you could help settle it for me.’
Take Care
Some compliments will work against you. Men - don’t compliment a stunningly good looking woman on her looks, she’s heard it all before. If she fancies you, you might get away with it but you’re risking coming across as a bit of a chump.
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