Are You An Angry Woman?
Wednesday, March 21st, 2007I was out at a party last week and a female friend of mine told me that she only seemed to ever attract the deeply desperate male or players that were ‘only interested in one thing’. Shefali went on to say that she did her best to protect herself by never really engaging with men she didn’t know. I know Shefali pretty well and was surprised to hear she was having any difficulty attracting what she’d call ‘nice’ men. I suggested that she worked harder at cultivating what Leil Lowndes terms a ‘warm, feminine and available’ look. The results astounded her and frankly even I was a little surprised.
She called me a couple of days later and said that after dropping her kids off to school she nipped into her local big brand coffee shop. All she did differently was smile warmly at the guy serving her and as he handed her the change he asked her if she’d like to go out for dinner. Shef then went on to pick up her coffee and smiled at a fellow customer in the queue. He also asked her out on a date. So, five minutes after deciding to risk engaging with strangers she’s got two offers. All before 9am in the morning.
The first obvious point I’m making here is that appearing ‘warm, feminine and available’ is an essential step. More importantly - that any woman seeking a great relationship actually becomes ‘warm, feminine and available’. Which is not the same as appearing desperate, which is equally unattractive.
I’ve been coaching women who are trying to find someone worth calling a husband for enough years now to realise that all is not what it seems. With some of my clients it really is enough to ask them to smile more and be a little friendlier. With that bit of advice alone I’ve had clients go from no approaches in a bar to 22 requests for a phone number. My other clients facing this issue are an entirely different challenge!
I regularly come into contact with women who are pretty pissed off at men. And whilst I think this may often feel like an appropriate response to some of your past experiences I don’t think it really helps much in the present. I’ve started out in a coaching relationship with women who have ranged from being slightly scary to downright unpleasant to be on the phone with, and I’m the one that gets paid to let them know the impression they’re making.
One of my clients, let’s call her Susan, told me that when she’s out on a date she can be pretty cutting. Her rationalisation was that it’s just the way she is and if a man wasn’t tough enough to stand up to her then it probably wasn’t worth getting to know him. It also, as far as she was concerned, filtered out all the guys that weren’t that serious. She really isn’t alone in this approach and there are a couple of very significant challenges it sets up. The first being that the core message this approach accidentally communicates is that you’re actually not that interested or available.
The problem with making it difficult for a man to get close is that you end up dating only the guys that are willing to jump that high. Those men are generally either desperate or dangerous. Desperate is obvious, the dangerous are a little more interesting.
There are men who, no matter what their mouths are saying, really aren’t that interested in commitment so they seek out women who appear unavailable. So if you’re really lucky a ‘player’ makes it through your defences and you fall in love, then he leaves and you’re back to your original understanding of the world that ‘all men are bar stewards’. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy. Keep in mind that the ‘nice’ guys who could well make fantastic partners are too busy respecting your space to ever impinge on your life unless you make it very clear their attention is welcome.
Here’s a little saying/poem I like
“Work like you don’t need the money, love like you’ve never been hurt, and dance like no one is watching.”
— Satchel Paige
The piece that matters here is loving like you’ve never been hurt. Most of my clients have a history of disappointments around relationships and they carry these into almost every interaction with men. I’m not for a moment saying those disappointments aren’t justified just that blaming men as a gender is problematic (and unattractive).
So if you suspect you or someone you know tends to act nasty as a way of filtering out men (or just as a reaction to your past) you or they would do well to stop. It’s easy to do. Firstly admit that you do it. Then following my Granny’s advice, begin to build in a slight delay to your conversation. If you’re about to say something that could be cutting then ask yourself; Is it true, is it nice, is it necessary? If that’s really hard to do you might want to take some time to examine what specifically you’re angry at men for and maybe even who specifically. If you want a future different from your past then there’s work to be done.
It’s worth mentioning here that it can be a bigger issue than just being a bit jaded with men. I’ve had clients, men and women, who were actually still stuck in a childhood trauma that resulted in them coming across as unattractive. They just seemed to radiate a sense of sourness that repelled all romantic contact. Who wants to cuddle a porcupine?
It’s a week since Shefali started making her changes - she’s now overwhelmed with the amount of male attention she’s getting and feels confident that Mr. Right is just around the corner. She also feels like the dates she agrees to now are a lot more on her terms. I think you’d agree that too much male attention is better than only the wrong kind of male attention.
Personal Reflection
I found out last week that one of my most loved and influential teachers, Charlie Kreiner, died last month. We were very close friends for a while and then drifted apart, it was a gulf I’d intended to address at some point and I’m saddened to find I no longer have the option. I’m reminded once again that we have a tendency to assume we have the luxury of time and it’s not always true.
It’s true to say that without Charlie’s intervention in my teenage years my life would be totally different. He’s the man that made me want to be a public speaker and do the kind of coaching I do. Now he’s gone it’s disturbing me just how much of what I say and talk about are concepts he taught me. More importantly though he coached me to be able to face the origins of the anger and dissatisfaction that I was busy projecting onto everything and everyone around me. Charlie got me out of the extraordinarily self destructive rut I was in and taught me it was safe to care about life and the people around me again. I know you probably didn’t know him but I just wanted you to know that he’s gone and my world shines a little less brightly right now as a result.
Best Wishes,
Michael
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