Approaching Women, Attracting Men
Wednesday, May 2nd, 2007What would you rather do?
Approach an attractive stranger or go to war?
I regularly have people tell me that they’re scared to death to approach people of the opposite sex, specifically the ones they fancy. Such a tragedy.
At its worst it means you end up with a world of people in relationships they never really wanted to be in because they didn’t have the nerve to approach Mr. or Miss Right. They’re living their lives with a sense of having settled for second best, raising kids who sense that all is not well given the level of contempt and dissatisfaction between their parents. The kids suffer and at worst turn into drug addicts or criminals or at least go on to having their own dysfunctional relationships.
So my mission is to get you from one end of the room to the next or to turn and talk to that golden ray of gorgeousness you’ve spotted so that we can all begin to live happily ever after. Also resulting in a lot less of the petty vandalism that goes on in my neighbourhood!
I recently had a guy approach me following a TV appearance as he wanted my help. Peter (and no that’s not his real name) was having no real luck with women. It turns out he didn’t dare approach women he found to be attractive. This is in no way specific to Peter or even to men, it seems a huge percentage of the population live in fear of being humiliated by a good looking stranger.
The irony with this guy is that in the rest of his life he’s absolutely fearless. He flies jets in the military for a living. Peter Pilot would rather fly into combat situations and risk being shot out of the sky by the enemy than approach a good looking stranger. This guy is the real deal, total James Bond type material and still crippled by a fear of rejection. Even his hobbies are stupidly dangerous, racing motorcycles for fun and the like.
I asked him about the difference between a combat situation, where he feels safe, and the dating scene. It turns out that in the cockpit (does that word strike anyone else as dubious?) he has computers and all kinds of systems that keep him safe. He went on to say that most importantly he’s got ‘the incredible eye’. At first I thought this was jargon for some top-secret piece of military kit but he was actually referring to his eyes. Turns out that it’s essential that he can see whether there’s a guy camped in a bush or a tree with a rocket launcher waiting to take him down. Apparently it’s not unusual for someone to wait for days for a jet to fly by and there’s nothing technical that can pick them up. So it’s all in the eye.
We talked about this for a while and we agreed that if I could teach him the skills necessary to spot whether he was going to be shot down in a dating situation he’d be happy to make his approach. One month later this guy is unstoppable. To the point where he called me for his last appointment and said he couldn’t chat as he was busy with a hot date. It was 7.45am in the morning so I’m guessing he’s a happy camper.
At its most basic you need to make sure you’ve got room for your approach. Is the person you’re hoping to talk to open to you? If they’re not open can you figure out an approach anyway? It’s really very simple, there are only two things you need to do.
1. Make sure you come across as attractive enough at a distance that someone gets curious about you. As a man, it’s about coming across as an Alpha male in some way; you can use your body language and your dress to great affect here. For women it’s good old warm, feminine and available that you’re looking to portray. You need to get a balance between interesting and interested.
2. Next you need to pay attention to the signals you’re getting, use the ‘incredible human eye’. If it’s good enough to keep a man alive in combat it’s good enough to read interest in a prospective date.
The common theme amongst my clients struggling with the approach is fear. You can call it shyness, you can call it embarrassment, you can even blame them for being unapproachable but in the end, it’s you.
If you spot a theme, in this case you’re having a problem approaching women or getting men to approach you, then it says a lot more about you than it does about them. Follow my tips below and it’s unlikely that anyone is going to shoot you down and even if they do you can always eject.
Best wishes
Michael
Tips on Meeting Potential Partners
For men
In her book ‘How to pull girls’ Julia Bruni states that in order to be attractive a man needs at least a little charisma. Ideally you’ll set up a bit of a James Bond feeling, sort out your wardrobe, focus on details like your shoes and watch and then practice being cool. Remember there is a world of difference between what most women say they respond to and what they actually find attractive.
Pay attention to the basics
Is your love interest making even casual eye contact with you? This means you’re going to have to stop studying the floor and begin to engage. If you get eye contact, then smile in a relaxed fashion. If they smile back or even raise an eyebrow then it’s time to move.
For women
Men are very insecure about their role as hunter, they don’t relish having to approach you so you need to make it easy. Practice some very clear flirting signals until they are easy and natural for you. The best of the best are able to stroke a breast and make it appear natural and normal. You could start out with smiling or running your hands through your hair.
Face your fear
What is the worst that could happen? If you can’t do it for yourself then do it for your future children. They deserve parents that are thrilled that they managed to get together.
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