Why, Oh Why, Do I Keep Dating B’astards?
Wednesday, July 12th, 2006This is such a recurrent question that I think it’s got to be worth an article so that hopefully you can simplify your life even though I’m not coaching you directly.
The first thing to do is work out what exactly constitutes a ‘B’astard’ because it’s way beyond some poor guy born outside of wedlock.
It’s not just a guy who has a hard time communicating and walks off in a strop every time you have an argument. For the purposes of this article let’s talk about the guys who can’t be trusted on the fidelity front, can’t be relied upon to keep a date with you and generally puts out a vibe that you should be grateful for his presence. I’m talking about the guys that are overly comfortable with getting seriously verbally abusive and may even give you the occasional slap (mental or physical) ‘for your own good.’ They aren’t great with your friends and rarely seem able to support you when your life gets challenging. In fact there are probably times when you might be wondering ‘Why is it always about you?’
So the question you would do well to ask yourself is ‘What is it about these guys that makes them so compelling to me?’
In my opinion it all comes down to attraction, and attraction isn’t a choice. Understand that attraction is driven by your subconscious and it’s reading stuff you aren’t even aware of.
Did you know that you are able to pick up subtle traces of how another person smells and work out what diseases they have immunity to, compare that with your own immunity, and then know if they are a good complement in order to promote stronger offspring? Your brain is a super computer but it can be fairly easily misled. It happens at a level that is so deep and beyond our control that we often make choices that we don’t or can’t understand.
So if we look at the traits of your average B’astard there’s something interesting you need to know. As a woman you are biologically wired to go after what is termed an ‘alpha’ male. The easiest way to sum up an alpha male is that he’s someone smart or strong enough to bring home more than his fair share of the kill. At a deep level your attraction is about spotting a man that can support you in your evolutionary desire to further your genes. The guys I described above are inherently confusing for you because in some ways they read a lot like an alpha male but really they aren’t.
The real alpha male has evolved beyond the insecure, self-centred git so many women struggle with. Those qualities belong to the narcissistic personality type and this is where I do a lot of work helping my female clients make the distinction. It’s important to be clear because until you understand the difference they are still going to be compelling to you and as you dump one nightmare you’ll quickly find another to plug the gap.
Let’s say that an alpha male has the ability to assert himself, can generally command attention when he needs it and expects to be respected. In a lot of ways he appears very similar to the guy I spoke about earlier, however, it’s entirely different and here is how you spot it.
It’s all about the emotional position the behaviour comes from. When your man starts to assert himself is he doing it from a childlike or an adult position. If you could fairly easily visualise him throwing his rattle across the room then you’ve got your self a self-centred, insecure narcissist desperately trying to assert his ‘right’ to control you.
Poor guy, he really deserves your love and support and let’s face it if you offer him enough understanding everything will be alright. If you just paid a little more attention to his rules and regulations then everything would settle down and there would be no more fighting. Well, not quite. Until this man understands that he has a problem he needs to take a little more responsibility for, your best will never be good enough. You didn’t break him and he’s not yours to fix so stop trying, you aren’t helping!
I know it’s possible you were raised to take care of and nurture people but you can’t fix this on your own, you really can’t afford to start mothering him.
If your man is being as irresponsible as this around you then there is something about the dynamic between the two of you that’s supporting it. It’s often said that people treat us the way we train them to treat us. That’s actually very good news as it gets you back into a position of power in your relationship.
If a guy is genuinely in love with you then he will do whatever it takes to handle the things that are causing you pain. If he’s treating you badly then the chances are that either he thinks it’s how you like to be treated or he’s just not that into you. If he’s just not that into you then it’s time to move on. Otherwise is time to start with a basic behaviour modification program, feel free to get in touch for details.
Michael
Tips On Beating Your Fatal Attraction
- If you mother your man it can only end badly. At some point, as with every child, he’s going to grow up and move out. If you are stuck in this role you need to get professional advice on how to get unstuck.
- Men - of course there are female narcissists. You’ve met them, they just tend to be a little less violent and abusive. If you catch yourself slipping into a parental role with your loved one then stop it, otherwise it will always end badly.
- If you keep getting entangled with a partner that is no good for you then you need to retrain yourself. Understand that what you are attracted to isn’t really there in the person you’re being drawn toward and walk away before you get caught up in it. It’s no bigger than giving up sugar in your drinks or starting to eat more fruit and veg.’
- There are professional daters out there. Men with no intention of settling down but who’ll happily date you for a couple of years if you let them. They’re called ‘Stringers’ and they’ll burn up your fertile years with no real concern for your needs or wants. They’re not necessarily B’astards but they will never give you what you want. You need to get real about your future happiness sometime in the near future.
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