If you need marriage help that we could actually refer to as marriage help then I’d be very careful about who you choose to work with. Why? Because, according to John Gottman, at a conservative estimate 50% of all marriages fail, I say conservative because lots of couples continue to live in a relationship that just don’t work, I’d call that a failure, wouldn’t you? This has been true for the last 55 years. People have been getting marriage help from counsellors and therapist specialising in this area for the last 40 years and shockingly, there has been no movement in that 50% failure rate. In the same way that we can now safely say that dieting will make you fat, traditional marriage help with your problems just isn’t going to fix it.

Would you like to know why?

A bad marriage will kill you

This is terrible news for you as research suggests that in an unhappy marriage you’re 35% more likely to get sick. There is also the chance that it may shorten your life by up to 6 years, particularly if you’re female. Your bad marriage is literally killing you. If that’s not bad enough then consider that in relationships needing marriage help due to marital hostility the kids end up with chronically elevated levels of stress hormones, this is true of children living through a messy divorce too. If you need help then make sure it’s really going to make a difference.

According to John Gottman who researched relationship health in what he referred to as ‘The Love Labs’ there comes a point where it’s obvious the couple are in trouble. Gottman is really worth listening to as he’s the only therapist to have carried out in depth research into what’s really going on when love breaks down. He says that couples in crisis had reached a point where it was nearly impossible to communicate about or repair problems. A couple that is in trouble is living with the expectation that they’re going to get stuck in combat every time something needs to be discussed and as a result their marriage has become tortuous. Do you ever feel that way? Have you ever?

John Gottman states that there are six indications that signal a couple really need marriage help.

1. 1. The couple see their marital problems as severe
2. 2. Talking things over appears useless
3. 3. Contempt, criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling have become part of every disagreement.
4. 4. The couple have started living parallel lives
5. 5. A deep sense of loneliness has begun to set in
6. 6. They no longer remember the good times they had

If any of the above are true for you then I’d suggest that you get marriage help in the very near future. If for no other reason than the fact it’s such a miserable way to live. Most couples wait around six years to get help with their marriage and by then it’s often too late. I mean you wouldn’t wait that long to get assistance if the oil warning light came on in your car would you? Your marriage is a much bigger investment and you deserve the best service available.

Fondness and admiration

As a quick tip that you could put into place right now is that I’d encourage you to begin to think about rebuilding the sense of being best friends again. When you first got together with your partner I’m pretty sure you felt very differently about them. For whatever period this person was the love of your life and you had big dreams about where you would go together. Maybe this person was what you considered to be your ‘soul mate’ but lately they feel more like your cell mate. I know that you’re probably very sad and in a great deal of pain that it’s come to this and I want you to know it can be fixed so long as both of you are willing to do a little work. Just don’t let anyone tell you it’s about learning how to communicate better and resolve conflicts more effectively, that’s very hard work and if you look at the research it just doesn’t work.

As a starting point start to think about your partner and deliberately focus on building a sense of fondness and admiration. If you can do that, then most things can be worked out because there’s a lot more positive feeling in the room. Deliberately begin to think about the things you love about your partner or that you used to love about him or her. I know this sounds a little too simple to be true but it makes a huge difference. We are all very sensitive to criticism and contempt. Fondness and admiration is the best antidote you’ll find.

What you really need

If you find you just can’t get out of your negative spiral then work hard to find someone who can provide marriage help. In my experience anyone following John Gottman or Terry Real’s model is going to be doing work that makes a difference. If your enquiry leads to someone talking about communication skills or conflict management then run for the hills. You’d be better off paying for trip to Disney Land together as at least you’d be building some new memories to feel fondly about.

Good luck and please get marriage help now if you need it, don’t wait, it will only get worse due to neglect. Let me know how you could begin to focus in on your fondness and admiration for your partner in the comments below. What are you grateful in your relationship? Are you aware of any of those 6 warning signs being true for you right now?

I was recently talking with a client looking for dating advice who expressed great frustration with the amount of stress she was experiencing whilst looking for her Mr. Right. I know it can be a real challenge but I like my dating advice clients to keep the whole thing very simple. In fact I think even talking about dating is a major mistake as it implies something far heavier than what you are actually doing initially. I’ve got some dating advice for you that others have used to great effect when it comes to meeting up with someone for the first time and how to make it more fun for you. As always this is useful for everyone that ever has to meet anyone. If you want to know how to enjoy meeting strangers then please read on.

Let’s not do dinner sometime

The first point I’d like to make is that if you’re meeting someone for the first time then the biggest mistake you can make is agree to dinner. I don’t know about you but my time is extraordinarily valuable and the last thing I would do is risk sitting down for dinner with someone who’s practically a stranger. If it’s a drag for starters imagine how big a drag it will be by dessert. My dating advice revolves around a massive dating campaign. You’re looking for at least 3 meetings a week if you’re really firing on all cylinders and clearly dinner is too much commitment. Stop wasting time on people you’re not already sold on.

You want a man by your side

The dating advice clients that talk about the process being fun tend to only agree to much less intense meetings. Sitting opposite a stranger is stressful for most of us so pick things you actively enjoy. In my experience even meeting for coffee is too intense. One thing worth keeping in mind is that most men are uncomfortable sat opposite a stranger, it’s just the way we are wired. Smartest thing you can do, as a man or woman is figure out something you can do side by side. This would include things like walking in parks, by the river or even around a museum or gallery. Having these kind of meetings works in your favour in several ways:

1. You’re doing something you might even do on your own so it’s fun. This means you don’t get stuck in regret about wasted time.
2. You’re getting some exercise. Calories burned rather than ingested. Given you’re dating this is a good thing.
3. You may end up doing something totally new and fun. Enriching your experience of life. In-store Ice Climbing anyone?

If this is your first meeting then the dating advice I offer is just accept that in some way it’s going to be a little stressful. It’s also worth keeping in mind that regardless of how it looks the other person is likely to be just as stressed as you. If you’re not careful then you end up infecting each other and starting out very edgy. This is not an excuse to start heading for the bar.

Get a firm grip

The quickest way of dealing with this is to get a grip. Now there’s something I didn’t get to say enough as a therapist. Your life would be easier if you can focus on the reality of the situation you are in. You’re meeting up with a stranger who is also meeting up with a stranger. If you cut them a little slack then you’ll probably find they do the same for you.

The first meeting is just about figuring out whether you can be friends with this person or not. And then hopefully getting a sense of whether you actually fancy them enough to pursue the relationship any further. The funny thing is that most of that becomes clear in the first five minutes and it’s not got too much to do with what you say and is a lot more about who you are. You can have all the fanciest lines and cleverest dating advice tactics but in my experience people will see through them and get a sense of who you are and what you stand for. The fact that this happens so quickly is actually very good news. Sometimes you just don’t click, no chemistry, no fault of your own, it’s just time to move on. If you’re halfway through your starter when the penny drops you’ve got no polite escape options so do you still want to sit through dinner?

Do you have any great first date ideas? It would be great to hear them if you’re willing to share. Also if you’ve any problems with the tips below let me know in the comments box.

Tips

• I’m very big on the idea of meeting in the daytime as it seems to allow everyone to feel much more comfortable. It’s totally acceptable to arrange a very short meeting if you’re not sure and then magically be able to stay longer if you really like the person you’ve just met. Just try not to over-do it, “always leave ‘em wanting more”.
• Guys on no account take strangers to dinner. If you do you absolutely must pay for that first dinner or she’s going to think you cheap. Seriously you can’t win on this one. Bizarre upside is that if you didn’t buy her dinner, and she doesn’t want a relationship with you, you’ve got more chance of a fling. If you’ve no idea why that’s true then you’re still in nappies in my world. If you were a bit brighter I think you’d be paying me for coaching as I could change your life forever. Women, please try to avoid being offended by this tip, you’re more complex than you know.
• If you’re not filtering from large amounts of interest then your level of exposure is too low. There are so many reasons that this needs to be a mass dating campaign. Not least of which is the fact that you probably still need the practice when it comes to making first impressions or you’d have been snapped up already.

For those of you playing spot the keyword phrase today’s is dating advice. So if you spotted dating advice feel free to look around for even more dating advice!

I really want relationships to work, I want them to be places that we can enjoy being in. This is why I went all the way to Boston for my marriage counselling training. I want relationships to be the best thing about our lives rather than the largest source of pain. As a result I was recently having a conversation with a fellow marriage counselling student and she shared something with me that I found to be blinding in its brilliance. It’s something that puts the pain and frustration that we all experience from time to time in our relationships into perspective. She said, ‘When you think about it, pretty much every argument you have is about one or other of the couple seeking reassurance’. Even if you’re not in a relationship and don’t need marriage counselling please allow me to explain.

Pretty much every argument in a couple, which is any two people spending time together, starts out with a fear that needs reassuring. I’m not just talking about the base level ‘But do you really love me?’ type of reassurance. Although a surprising amount of couple’s that come to me for marriage counselling don’t believe this to be true of each other. This is a great shame as I think knowing that is a fundamental need for every human being.

Taking you seriously

Sometimes we just need reassuring that our complaint has been heard, that our discomfort makes some kind of sense or just that he realises he screwed up when he forgot to post your mothers day card. I really believe that a huge amount of the friction in a relationship is about the fear that one or other of the couple’s needs are not being taken seriously.

As I listen to my marriage counselling clients about the disagreements they’ve got stuck in it becomes more and more apparent that we just need to be more honest.

Tony Robbins states that all arguments are based on the transgression of a rule. Whether or not you’re aware of it you have a whole bunch of rules about how people should treat you, especially if they ‘really’ love you.

In newer relationships this is especially tricky as you are still exploring the territory. You don’t yet know your partner well enough to know when you step over a line that they hold dear. Worse than that, the first couple of times you do it they might not even mention it as they don’t want to make a bad impression or kick up a fuss.

Late for a date

One of my clients, Jack, recently had a row with his partner because, as far as he was concerned, she was late for a date. In his head he has a rule that states that if you really love him then you’d respect him enough to turn up on time. His partner doesn’t have this rule. In fact her rule is more like ‘if you love me enough you’d understand that I’m not always going to be on time.’ Jill, his partner (I hope you’ve spotted that for confidentiality’s sake I do change the names) was actually late because she wanted to make sure she looked her absolute best for the date. You can imagine how the conversation went given it was late on a Friday night and they were both hungry.

Do you want to be right or married?

Are either of them in the wrong? I don’t think so. They just have an issue with two rules that conflict. This turned into a big fight about love and respect and this couple are in no way unique. Couples fight about the strangest things, but you already know that.

If you feel yourself approaching an argument/fight with your partner you would do well to be aware of the different levels of emotion. In my marriage counselling it’s clear to me that most of us have an easy time being angry even if we can’t express it. It’s often our first reaction to feeling like one of our rules or ‘lines’ has been crossed. But in my experience, behind the anger is a sense of being hurt in some fashion and the thing we’d like to have most of all is that hurt being taken away.

What are you missing?

If you’re feeling hurt there is often a worrying sense that something has been lost or is being taken away. Not only that there is a fear that this hurt may continue because your loved one doesn’t care.

So imagine if Jack had managed to say there and then that he felt hurt and feared he wasn’t as important to Jill as her other commitments. It would have been much more likely that Jill would have immediately offered up the reassurance that he was seeking. Once Jack and Jill felt more connected they could have a discussion about their differing rules about punctuality and figure out how to handle it better in the future.

This is just one small example but if you start to just take a few moments to think about what is actually being said before you react it’s possible to save yourself a couple of wasted hours or even days. Due to my marriage counselling I’ve had the privilege of spending hours deconstructing what’s really going on for couple’s in an argument. It’s rarely what you think. What are some of the dumber arguments you’ve found yourself in? Have you had any insights following reading this article? Let me know in the comments box. If you’d like some quick fix marriage counselling please read the tips below.

Tips

I once heard that one of the basic needs we have is to know that our loved one knows without doubt that they are better off with them than without them. This is why threatening to leave the relationship in any argument is fatal to the ongoing security of the relationship.

If you’re a man: understand that you are often more comfortable getting angry than expressing hurt. You stand to gain hugely from learning to admit that you feel hurt when it’s true for you. You are never going to find a healthy woman who will respond positively to your anger so try to keep in mind what lies behind your wrath.

If you’re a woman: without wishing to demean men, I think it’s fair to say that often you will be in charge when it comes to building emotional literacy into your relationship. So if you’re confronted by your man with a face like thunder you might want to ask him what’s going on behind the anger. Getting angry back rarely works, it makes about as much sense as trying to put a fire out by throwing petrol at it.

Sometimes acknowledging that you are aware of a problem between the two of you, even if you can’t fix it there and then, is reassurance enough.

If you fall out with your loved one you can get to feel very vulnerable in a relationship and the sense of disconnection is alarming. Particularly if the relationship is in its infancy. Remember the mantra ‘we are arguing to come back together!’

For those of you playing spot the keyword phrase today’s is marriage counselling. So if you spotted marriage counselling feel free to explore the site even if you don’t need marriage counselling.

I have a friend of mine who loves watching ice skating. I used to find his interest a little unnerving as he was actually a pretty cool guy and we used to lift weights together. One day I was sitting with him at his place complaining about the fact that we were, yet again, watching skating and he turned to me and said, “It’s not ice skating, it’s a romance and you just don’t get it, if you pay attention there’s some great relationship advice to be got”.

For some reason this always stayed with me and not just because relationship advice wasn’t really his thing. I’ve decided he’s right – skating is very similar to the dating and mating rituals that go on around us all the time.

Let me help you get your skates on.

I don’t know if you’ve ever tried ice skating but most of us begin by hanging on to the side of the rink desperately hoping our feet won’t slide out from underneath us. At some point you decide to let go and start to slip a little further out from the bar you’re clinging to and maybe even skate a little. You’ve then got the joy of cornering and stopping to experiment with and at points it’s none too pretty. If you practice, if you’re willing to make a mess, and learn from your experience, then you will get better. And maybe someday in the not too distant future you’ll be gliding off into the centre to do a little dance with someone else. So where’s the relationship advice?

Avoiding thin Ice

This is where the problems start for some of my clients. Once they’ve established that someone is interested in them, somehow they need to push off from the wall or bar and make an approach. In the beginning it feels like they’re on very thin ice and they live in fear of falling over. This is exactly how I encourage my clients to think of it.

If you are going to walk over to talk to someone then it’s important you have at least the beginnings of an idea of what you are going to do when you get there. Have a few good open questions to ask, be aware of a compliment you can offer and then skate on over there.

Hopefully you’ll end up in conversation with someone you find interesting and this is where all that practice begins to pay off. It’s important to understand that you are now in a relationship, both engaged in a fairly tricky dance on ice. My relationship advice to you is that given you’ve initiated you have a responsibility to ensure you don’t go crashing through the ice and drown the two of you.

Time and time again I’ve found that while my clients have got to a point where they can ask all the right questions they’ve got no idea how to answer them. This is irresponsible and can easily be avoided. If I ask you what you do for fun and the best answer you can give me is ‘I watch TV’, if I ask you what hobbies you have and you tell me ‘I don’t really have any’, if I ask you what you do for a living and you give me a one word answer then I’d suggest that it might be kinder to leave me alone and continue to cling to the bar. Otherwise we’re both going to end up sprawled out on the ice feeling foolish. If this is you then please get in touch, I really can help.

Could you be more graceful?

There are questions you can count on being asked. Where are you from? What do you do? What do you do for fun? You need to have some stimulating answers to those questions that lead to further conversation should your new found partner wish to go deeper with you. For example. In answer to the question ‘Where are you from?’ I could answer ‘Highgate’. Of course it’s true but it’s a miserable, pathetic answer that leads nowhere unless my partner is willing to work really hard. If I reply ‘I live up in Highgate, I love it up there, I feel like the air is cleaner and often I don’t even really feel like I live in London. What I really like is being able to go for a walk in the woods during my lunch times.’ Now my partner has the option of picking up on five different themes that I’ve opened up with that reply. Hopefully you can see how one answer potentially ends in grazed knees while the other allows us to skate seamlessly into the next part of our little dance.

The point of this relationship advice is that you have a responsibility to follow through on what you’re initiating. It’s not really fair to approach someone if all you’re going to do is stand there making both of you feel awkward. If you’d like some solid tips on how to do this then please see below. I’m also really interested to know what conversation starters you’ve found helpful and maybe some examples of truly terrible pick up lines people have used on you. Use the comments box below.

Tips On Skating On Over

• I use and recommend the following format for talking to anyone. Once you’ve made some kind of contact with a person, ideally eye contact and a smile, you approach them. Compliment them on a particular piece of their appearance and then ask them a question that opens up an opportunity for conversation. If they like you they’re going to make it easy on you. You then introduce yourself, shake their hand and ask them another great question.
• You’re going to need practice if you want to become graceful at approaching strangers. I get my clients into supermarkets and have them talk to perfect strangers just to get used to doing so. Start out with people that don’t scare you on sight and then work your way up.
• If there’s anything I’m serious about getting really good at I’ll generally get some expert help. I once got an hour’s tuition in roller blading that saved me many, many hours of humiliation trying to teach my self. Either get some good books on the subject or send me an e-mail.
• If you don’t have any good answers to the question, ‘What do you do for fun?’ then change your life. Get a life and then look for your love for life. Get to a point where attracting your equal would be really exciting, you don’t need any more time in the office or on the couch watching TV

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For those of you playing spot the keyword phrase today’s is relationship advice. If you spotted relationship advice then feel free to visit my website and get even more relationship advice.

One of my aims with clients is to give them the skills they need to navigate their way through relationship problems, the inevitable challenges that occur having found a relationship. The truth is that all relationships are going to involve a degree of struggle and at points squabbling. It’s totally normal, if you’re currently having relationship problems or begin to there is no reason to panic. In NO way does the fact you’re fighting mean you’re with the wrong person.

If you’d like to know more about how to avoid destroying a potentially great relationship then read on.

Every relationship, even yours, will go through a painful stage where we could potentially begin to worry about whether we’ve made a big mistake. Relationship problems are confusing. Maybe Prince Charming is actually a lot more like Prize Chump or maybe Ms. Perfect has turned into Ms. Perfect Pain.

Hopefully you’ve noticed that your better relationships start out in infatuation where everything about the person is great, including the bits that aren’t so great. Even the way they snore is kinda cute. It’s a great phase and I’d encourage you to love it for as long as it lasts.

The struggle for power

Next up is the power struggle, sorry but it’s going to happen whether it takes two days or two years to arise, it’s a given, so buckle up because it’s going to get rough. There will come a point at which you begin to feel you’re not getting quite as much out of the relationship as you hoped you might. This is where you are very likely to start to get into arguments including raised voices and potential door-slamming. Your relationship problems have arrived and you’re thinking of leaving.

I’m not a great fan of letting it all hang out, I think some things are just better off not being shared. I’m continually amazed at how it can take 10 seconds or less to say something that you will have a really hard time living down. A classic is threatening to throw someone out of your shared home or even threatening to leave. It’s like the gift that keeps on giving- years later that threat will be giving your relationship problems and continue to be raised as ammunition in any argument.

Step away from the edge

So here’s the most significant and easily mastered tool I’ve ever found when it comes to having discussions that would previously have become major fights. It comes from a body of work by Claude Steiner called Emotional Literacy. In a romantic relationship there is a tendency for us to regress to a mental age somewhere between three and six years when we start to argue. You know how sometimes you totally forgot how the argument started but you know you’ve got to win- well at that point you’re out of control and would do well to call a time out. Just walk away from each other with a commitment to talking about it later.

When you come back together the challenge is to remain adult and responsible. For most of us this can feel like a new language, but if you persevere it will lead you to new territories with a lot less turbulence. It all hinges around this one sentence structure;

When you do X, I feel Y.

How simple is that? Personally I don’t think it gets any simpler. It cuts through all the tendencies to blame, shame or ridicule your partner. It forces you to take responsibility for being clear about what is going on for you and what you’d like to stop.

So instead of :

‘You are so lazy, you really piss me off, I can’t believe that you forgot to send that parcel, you promised me you would. You are such a jerk!!!!’

You’d say something along the lines of:

‘I thought we’d agreed that you would post that parcel. When you break an agreement with me I feel sad and like our agreements don’t matter to you.’

Throwing petrol at a fire

The great thing about the second approach is that it doesn’t inflame the situation. I also like it because it forces the other person to take responsibility for being a lazy jerk. Ok, maybe that’s not quite the spirit, but if you’d used the first sentence then it’s like throwing petrol at a fire to try and put it out. They get mad at you for calling them a jerk and nothing gets resolved, which means they can skip taking any responsibility for their behaviour.

What are 3 things guaranteed to light you up if people do them to you. You tell me yours in the comments box below and maybe I’ll tell you mine. Do you have any great examples of things to say that would guarantee you’d never get what you want?

See my tips below for other specific examples about how to limit the impact of your disagreements.

Tips on how to limit the impact of your disagreements

Time outs are a very valuable tool, just make sure that you have both agreed to using them. If the argument starts to get heated it’s ok to call a time out, walk away and figure out exactly what it is you’re trying to say. As a quick clue it’s generally that you feel mad, sad or scared.

People can actually behave their worst with the ones they love, it’s normal but you really do need to protect the relationship. Rule number one is to never, ever, threaten the relationship as a negotiating tool during an argument. It’s very traumatic for all concerned and takes away a level of trust that will take a long time to rebuild.

Emotional literacy only works if both parties care about how they make the other person feel. If you tell someone that you are hurt by something that they are doing and they continue to do it then you have a significant problem. It’s referred to as a boundary violation and that’s an article in itself.

My granny used to ask me to think about whether a tricky comment was true, nice or necessary before making it. It still works for me and is easy enough to remember. I still get a little hot headed at times but haven’t injured anyone for years now.

For those of you playing spot the keyword phrase today’s phrase is relationship problems so if you said relationship problems you win. Please visit the website and take advantage of all that is on offer for easing your relationship problems.

Liz came to me for relationship help having recently starting experiencing the most intense feelings of jealousy around her partner Mark. She was really worried it would destroy her relationship with him. More specifically she felt very threatened by his ex girlfriend and some of his work colleagues. She wanted relationship help fast. As a result of what she termed her ‘green eyed monster’ she was becoming distant, critical and had started checking his emails and texts. This was especially distressing for Liz because it didn’t sit well with her sense of how she liked to be perceived as a kick ass litigator.

Fortunately jealousy is a fairly easy fix, so if you or anyone you know is struggling to cope with it then read on.

All problems exist in the absence of a great conversation

The first point I’d make here is that overcoming jealousy is a relationship issue. Given that according to my friend John ‘All problems exist in the absence of a great conversation’ then the first thing that needs to happen is a bit of honesty. It’s important that if you need to have this kind of conversation you understand that it’s very likely that no one is right or wrong, it just needs to be talked about.

Unfortunately Liz’s major issue in coping with jealousy was her reluctance to talk to Mark about it. She felt like it exposed her as weak or, heaven forbid, needy. She also felt like she had absolutely no right to be jealous given that Mark had done nothing to cause her any real concern. The first piece of relationship help I offered was to get her clear on the fact that it wasn’t having the feelings of jealousy that made her weak; what was weak, was hiding how she felt from Mark. This is a really important point that I make time and time again, especially with my male clients. There is real strength in disclosing your vulnerability, it takes courage.

Liz’s jealousy was firmly rooted in her own insecurity which given her self image was nothing less than an agony for her to admit, even to herself. I regularly get to work with clients who are facing things about themselves that they would really rather not have to deal with. The thing is though, and here’s a key piece of relationship advice, our intimate relationships are always going to bring up our biggest fears. That’s part of what keeps them intimate.

When you start to discuss your jealously do not blame your partner, that’ll never work. Even if their behaviour is, in your eyes at least ‘totally out of order’ I’d ask you to tread carefully. What you’re really seeking here is reassurance. Starting out with a full frontal attack on your loved one’s nature is never going to get you that.

2 Sources of Jealousy

There appear to be two different sources for this type of of jealousy. The first is where one of your ‘life rules’ has been broken, this second is where you can’t really find any justification for your jealousy at all.

We all have life rules, some more than others, but we all have them. These are the kind of things where you find your self saying things like, ‘There’s a line and you just crossed it!’. Or you’re fine with someone turning up 10 minutes late but you throw a fit if it’s 12 minutes.

In Liz’s case she felt like Mark’s regular phone calls with his ex were a real threat to her. It was made worse by the fact that he’d leave the room he was in with Liz and close the door for privacy. By the time he came back to whatever he’d been doing with Liz she’d got a little frosty but never made a comment about it. This is an example of one of Liz’s ‘life rules’ being broken.

When Liz admitted to him that his leaving the room left her imagining that he was flirting with his ex and potentially complaining about Liz he was horrified. In Mark’s eyes he’d been doing the decent thing and protecting Liz from any feelings of jealousy by leaving the room. This was very quickly and easily remedied.

In my experience most people are really upset when they find out something they’d been doing had been painful for their partner. This is especially true if you can start the conversation from a position of vulnerability.

Sometimes it’s not that simple

At this point you’d hope that Liz was ‘fixed’, but it’s sometimes not that simple. For a lot of the population there is a level of insecurity that runs much deeper. In this case Liz was five years older than Mark and she was often concerned that he’d leave her for a younger woman. This is actually one of those second source issues that can’t be justified and is firmly rooted in insecurity. ‘Mark – you are no longer allowed to speak with any women younger than I am!’ wasn’t going to wash or fix the problem.

For this piece of her pain I had Liz talk about how she felt about her age and what it meant to her. Over the next few months we built up Liz’s self esteem to the point where she recognised she was gorgeous, sexy and vibrant and Mark was lucky to have her.

It’s important to notice that there is the possibility of generating lots of rules as a way of protecting our feelings of low self esteem which might make things more manageable in the short term but won’t work forever. An example of this would be Liz asking her partner not to talk to anyone of the opposite sex alone when they were out at a party. It might work in the short term if Mark is compassionate but over the longer period he’s going to get resentful.

Liz learned that all of her pain around Mark was rooted in her insecurity and once she owned up to it things began to improve. Mark was able to clear up the misunderstanding but more importantly Liz felt like she was being honest in the relationship again and as a result began to reconnect to her deeper feelings of excitement about their partnership. This breakthrough all started with Liz getting relationship help and admitting that she felt insecure. So is there anything you are hiding from your loved one?

I’d love to hear about any experiences you’ve had in the comments box below. I’ve managed to free up enough time to be able to get more involved with the blog so let me know where you get insecure and how you’ve dealt with it in your relationships. Be sure to take a quick look at the tips below to ensure jealousy doesn’t get the jump on you.

Relationship Advice For Banishing Jealousy

Sometimes if you’re quick enough you can get yourself off your well worn paths to insecurity. Think about it in terms of pictures you’re focusing on. If you’re creating movie sized pictures of your partner making out with an ex with built in surround sound then you’re going to feel terrible. It’s not rocket science. You need to get really good at training your brain to immediately throw up much better pictures of you and your loved one. It’s much easier than you think. If I asked you to make a picture of a mouse and then one of a while you’d get the idea. Become good at shrinking pictures in your mind.

If you suspect jealousy is an issue for your partner then bring it up. If they share that pain with you it would be best to just reassure your partner. Sometimes they may ask for details that are not going to help in the longer term. This is not a time to tell the total truth as that could well cause more pain than you’d ever want to. Jealousy is deeply rooted in insecurity so do not lay into your loved one about how pathetic they are, they are already fully in touch with that.

One of the quickest ways to reassure a jealous loved one is to let them know that they are your priority, above everything and everyone in your life. This fulfils several of their core needs in a relationship and works wonders in creating a happy relationship.

For those of you playing ‘spot the keyword search term’ today’s phrase so cunningly worked into the article was relationship advice. So if you picked relationship advice then you’re a winner!

Sometimes I get letters from people looking for dating advice who’ve bought my Finding Mr Right program and got stuck on a particular point. One of the more common points I address with people is how to write a profile or personal ad that gets the attention you deserve.

From looking through these ads with clients, and sometimes purely for my own entertainment, a few things have become very clear to me. If you’re interested in how to get 20 men a week or more replying to your ad then please read the dating advice below. It will tell you all you need to know.

Shock, Horror! Men and women are different

Men and women online date in an entirely different fashion. We may not actually be from different planets but we do have our differences. This is especially true when it comes to placing a profile on an internet dating site. You may be shocked to hear that men aren’t at all interested in what you write up in your profile. Not for a little while anyway.

Firstly they look at your photo. And if they like that, then they look at your other photos to make sure the first one is actually realistic. This piece of dating advice may be a little painful but you need to remember that your man to be is, at heart, a hunter. At this point he’s still tracking game and only if you pass this test will he start to dig a little deeper.

This is where it gets interesting, he’s not going to read your profile, he’s going to scan it and look for words he finds interesting or, dare I say it, arouse his interest. I’m going to share something with you that I’ve observed because I’m on the inside when it comes to people getting results on dating sites. This may be painful for you to hear but it’s probably going to be less than shocking.

Time to get amorous and experimental

The women who put profiles together that get deluged with replies work in words like: flirting, amorous, playful, snogging, experimental, massage, riding, sunshine, intimate, great kissers. Now none of these are overly graphic, they don’t even begin to promise adult fun on your first date or anything like that, but they will get you a lot of attention. These are words that could be referred to as ‘trigger’ words. You can put them into any sentence and men are going to spot them and potentially drift off into idle fantasy about you. This is a good thing. Capturing a man’s attention really isn’t all that difficult.

Recently I came across a couple of brilliant examples that were none too subtle but gracefully executed. One woman talked about herself being ‘colourful, fruity and a little bit naughty just like her favourite cocktail’. For those of you that missed it the word cocktail probably wasn’t accidental. Another woman admitted to a love of rabbits and given the look of one of her photo’s it’s almost certain that she’s not talking about Bugs Bunny.

You’re gonna get flirty not dirty!

This is where you get to make a personal choice, it’s entirely up to you. I’ve fought with clients over this piece of dating advice when they were getting miserable about the lack of response to their intelligently witty profile.

What amazes me is the level of resistance to being a little or, in some cases, a lot more flirty. Every woman I’ve ever spoken to loves kissing, can be amorous and in the right circumstances considers herself to be experimental and playful. Why not make it a selling point?

There are two major objections I hear to this idea:

1. I don’t want to sound like a slut. – I don’t blame you. Just be careful about the words you use. There’s a world of difference between the word amorous and slutty. What do you think?
2. I want quality not quantity. Yes, I agree that getting 20 amorously interested messages next time you log into your account could be a little daunting but it’s nothing you can’t handle. Just get good at tossing out the rubbish. You don’t want to be eliminating options this early on.

So what if you decided to slip on your red heels, or whatever it is that allows you to vamp up a bit, as you wrote your profile? How would that change the way you portray yourself? Attraction is a subconscious process and a lot more primal than you may be comfortable with. Knowing this piece of dating advice, what could you do differently?
More great dating tips below.

Tips on Writing Profiles

• Look at the cover of a men’s magazine to see what words trigger their buying response. If you really want to be clever, pick the ones you’d actually read, then you know you’re using the right words for your kind of a guy!
• I used to run a program called Finding Miss Right for which we had next to no interest because that’s not where men are at. Most men start out looking for women who are fun to spend time with and may actually put out at some point. They then start to build a relationship. As Barbara DeAngelis says ‘men are looking for sex and women are looking for love’.
• Remember that you’re still in charge with regard to the timing of any fooling around – you’re not making any promises, just engaging allusions. One of my number one pieces of dating advice is that sex on a first date is generally the kiss of death for a relationship. There are exceptions, but not many!

Recently one of my e-zine subscribers emailed me about an experience that she and three of her friends had. It seems they went out speed dating and none of them found anyone of interest. Which resulted in the question ‘Where are all the suitable men?’. Well generally I try to keep that kind of dating advice for my paying clients but given it was such a direct request I’m going to share it with you.

The suitable men have a special club that they belong to!

It’s a club that requires a suit and there are no women allowed. If you’re looking for them you’re out of luck because they’ve realised life is a whole lot easier without a woman looking for the perfect man.  They have passwords, secret handshakes and everything else necessary to keep their club well hidden.  You’re never getting in. So thanks for asking.

That leaves you with the rest of us!

The real answer to ‘where are all the suitable men?’ is simply this.

That suitable man is wherever you are, he’s walking in the same park you’re in, he’s in the same coffee shops you’re drinking in, he’s standing next to you in the supermarket. You may not meet him today or even tomorrow but I know for a fact he’s out there.

So how can 4 women go to a speed dating event and not manage to find at least one suitable man? I even spoke to the woman that wrote to me. It turns out that 15 guys ticked her box, which means they’re eager to date her. She only dated one of them who turned out to be too young for her.

I attend dating events in a professional capacity and I know that they can attract the worst kind of men, but generally 75% of them are presentable and you can side step the rest. So worst case scenario this woman got ticked by 5 social liabilities which leaves her with ten at least reasonable men. So she picks the guy that’s too young. Does that strike anyone else here as interesting?

One of the earliest things my clients do, male or female, is draw up a list detailing their ‘Perfect Partner’. There is a tendency for some people, and this generally applies more to my male clients, to be totally unrealistic. So point number one is that if you’re looking to get with someone who’s a ten you better be at least an eight or they’re not going to approach you or allow you to approach them.

The second issue, and I think this is where the initial question really comes from, is that a ten will rarely be found at a speed dating event – finding people to date isn’t something they struggle with. Your job is to find the places where they do spend time. This is the tricky bit for some people but it’s easily fixed. There are so many different ways of meeting people. The thing is, it takes perseverance.

One of my clients started going to Toastmaster’s because she wanted to meet some quality men and figured that an organization dedicated to learning how to speak up in public would be a great place to start.  Initially it was hard work, the group was fairly closed but over time things started to warm up and before long she was dating the Vice President.

If you start dance classes then you need to persevere to the point where you stop looking like a dork, and then people will get a lot more interested. It’s a phenomenon referred to as ‘social proof’. Once you start being accepted in a group your value goes up and suddenly you have chemistry.

Potentially the truth is that our suitable men really are hanging out in clubs, you’ve just got to get access and figure out how to get their attention. If the people you meet are below the standards you’ve set then you need to look in a better environment. I once worked with a guy who worked as a bouncer in a strip joint and wondered why all the women he met there seemed to be a little unsuitable.

So I have two answers to the question.

One possibility is that some of the things you’re specifying as essential qualities are unrealistic and either you, or your love interest, are never going to measure up. The second possibility is that you’re hanging out in all the wrong places. If this is your issue it’s time to stop being lazy and generate some much better ideas about where to find these ‘suitable men’. A relevant quote by Edwin Lowes Cole that I like is ‘You don’t drown by falling into water, you drown by staying there.’

For More Tips For Finding Mr Right – Please See Below

Teresa broke up with her boyfriend about six months ago and whilst the feeling of being heart broken had disappeared she was still in a lot of pain. Like many of the single people I coach, Teresa was often caught out by her feelings of loneliness. It really came to a head for her on January 1st at about 2am in the morning. What she found to be especially painful was the fact that she’d just spent the last 6 hours partying with her favourite friends after a day on the ski slopes with them.

Loneliness is one of the reasons I insist my clients agree to a ‘man ban’ during the first couple of months of coaching with me. Feeling lonely is such a powerful pain that people will get into the strangest relationships in order to avoid it. If you’d like to know how to come to terms with loneliness then please read on.

I’ve been coaching people long enough to know that feeling lonely can happen in a multitude of circumstances and ways; having to go to a wedding on your own because you’re only allowed to bring a ‘significant’ other and then returning to an empty house. Trying to organise a girlie lunch or a boys night out and having your friends bring their partners along. Being continually surrounded by happy, laughing couples having their perfect relationships all around you in the street or out shopping. And then you have the pain of shopping for one and then carrying it all home on your own. Added to all that you have got the agony of pretending that everything’s fine because you’d hate anyone to know you’re lonely because it’s so unattractive – that only adds to your sense of isolation.

The first point I make about loneliness is that it can’t kill you, you won’t die of it. It is only ever going to be a feeling. It is a particularly insidious one, but you’re always going to be far bigger than your worst feeling. It’s no excuse for getting yourself into yet another pointless relationship because it’s better than nothing.

That emptiness you’re feeling is the new found space in your life that’s opened up for you to explore. Right after a break-up you’ve got heart break but eventually it just feels like you’ve got a hole in your life. That hole is a space that you could grow into. Being single is said to be a luxury we often fail to notice in our desire to get back into a relationship.

Different people handle the experience of being single in different ways. For some it’s very painful and for others it’s a cause for celebration as they get back out into ‘the game’, knowing they are one step closer to winning. Bare minimum they now have enough free time to catch up with their friends or upgrade their wardrobe.

In order for a situation to be really, really painful you must believe three things are true of it. You must believe it’s permanent, personal and all pervasive. Teresa was busy telling her self that she’d never find another man as nice as her ex because she was totally depressed and always would be. She was miserable because ‘everyone’ she knew had a great relationship so her failure really was (as far as she was concerned) personal to her. Added to which Teresa told herself that no one really cared about her situation and her friends were all sick of her whining. She’d taken to drinking on her own at home whilst singing along to an ‘All by Myself’ type sound track a la Bridget Jones with no hope of being rescued.

You may be lonely but you’re a long way from being alone. All over whatever town or city you live in are people just like you feeling lonely and worthless because they aren’t in a relationship. The irony of course is that the reason Bridget Jones was such a hit is that everyone could identify with it. Even the men I coach, their loneliness may look a little different but it’s just as painful. Loneliness is not personal to you, you’re just not that special.

Teresa realised fairly quickly that it really wasn’t a permanent state. Through her day there were certain hot spots like going to bed, waking up alone, sitting down for breakfast or as she was putting on her running shoes which were all things she did with her ex. So we came up with some ways of breaking up those feelings. This is a fairly well kept secret but getting your self a cuddly teddy bear, giraffe or even elephant will help you get over that empty feeling.

The scientific term is ‘transitional love object’ and they really help with not feeling alone in bed. You could of course get a cat or dog if you can deal with the responsibility and your lease allows for it. This has worked so many times I could write a book on it but it’s not what I want to be famous for . Get yourself something cuddly!

The other thing about permanence is that it’s clearly not true. You’ve been in love before and you will love again, that much is a given. There are thousands of people out there desperate to get to know you better. The more interesting challenge is setting up a relationship that both parties feel is worth making permanent and that I can help you with. You’re a grown up. Yes, your last love may have been amazing but trust me, once the hormones kick in again you won’t spend too much time looking back.

Teresa had gone a long way to convincing herself that all her friends had gone off her and didn’t want to deal with her sadness. Her lack of love was now all pervasive. As a result she’d started staying home on the weekends and had got herself into a vicious circle. This was very easily interrupted by Teresa phoning her closest friends and making an arrangement to go to the cinema with them and then building on that connection.

It’s really that simple, if you’re feeling bad you’ll be telling yourself that at least two of the terrible triad are true. Is your situation really permanent, personal and all pervasive? The faster you can dismantle that particular piece of internal dialogue the better you’ll feel. So what are you saying to yourself that’s making all of this so much worse?

Tips on Dealing With Loneliness

Do something physical that involves other people
Learn how to rock climb which will teach you to trust people again. Learn Ceroc or some other partnered dance which will at the very least mean that someone you like will hold your hand at some point in an evening. All of these things get you out of your head and back into your body.

Become one with yourself
Tai Chi, Yoga and meditation could also help but they lack a sense of connection to others which can be important when lonely. The up side of these practices is that you may learn to get your feelings into perspective and stop having to run away from them. That’s no small thing.

Plan ahead
Try to arrange things to do with people well ahead of the times you’d normally get sunk in feeling lonely. Don’t leave it until Friday night to start planning for your weekend.

Get something to take care of
It’s a funny thing but sometimes the thing we miss most is having someone to care about. You could buy yourself a plant, a pet or even take me up on the cuddly toy idea. Be careful about the pet though, if you’re not careful it could well become a long term reminder of how lonely you felt.

Best wishes

Michael

I don’t know if you’re already aware of this but I’ve spent the last 3 years polishing up my training in marriage counselling with Terrence Real in Boston. Terrence Real is a truly gifted therapist and author of ‘The New Rules of Marriage’. His marriage counselling is so good that couples fly in from around the world with him in order to get the relationship help they need. It is the opinion of many that if Terrence Real can’t fix your marriage no one can!

I’d been doing my best to assist people with their marital problems for years before finally giving up as it seemed to be remarkably unfulfilling. My results in marriage counselling were less than inspiring, couples just kept breaking up. I wasn’t the only one having this experience; people who do work in marriage counselling have developed a joke that couples only come to marriage therapy because they want to break up more elegantly. In hindsight this is clearly ridiculous, every couple fell in love for a reason and my experience, with much better training, is that they are desperate to recapture that feeling.

It wasn’t entirely my fault though as a lot of traditional marriage counselling is badly flawed. On my last trip to Boston I managed to set up a video interview with Terrence Real (I’m aware I’m using his full name a lot but if you knew about how search engines worked you would too). I had him talk about the difference between traditional marriage counselling and what he teaches people to do which he calls Relational Life Therapy (RLT).

You can find the video half way down this page in the box, http://www.therelationshipgym.com/couples_therapy.htm It’s pretty obvious, I’m sat on a the couch and the other guy is Terrence Real. In the video he outlines the 3 major points that make RLT different from other forms of marriage counselling.

1. We are taught to that it’s OK to take sides, not all relationship help needs to be 50/50. Sometimes it really is about one person being totally unreasonable. Take a look at the video, Terry gives a really good example.
2. We are taught to tell the truth (respectfully and with compassion!). If the issue is that Jack just refuses to stop screaming at Laura then we are trained to tell him it has to stop in a way that he can hear.
3. We are taught to then show Jack the difference between right and wrong rather than forcing him to take the next two years to figure it out for himself.

Now that might not sound like much but let me tell you it’s light years on from a lot of what passes for marriage counselling. That first point about taking sides is hugely helpful. In traditional marriage counselling the therapist is actively discouraged from ever taking sides. One of several reasons this happens is that in one to one therapy, the therapist is generally working on raising someone’s self esteem in the name of personal empowerment, which is all well and good because that’s what a huge amount of people come to therapy for. To pretend the same is true of couples seeking help is plain stupid. Generally at least one party isn’t thrilled about being there and really isn’t looking for help with his or her self esteem. What a huge percentage of couples really need is for someone to help them out of the power struggle they are entrenched in. Very loosely put, at least one person is always feeling ‘superior’ to the other in the relationship and it’s causing huge problems. The solution has nothing to do with raising their self esteem and everything to do with bringing down their grandiosity.

Terrence Real is big on the truth. You’ll find often times that in marriage counselling the therapist is being very careful not to frighten one party off, and it’s generally the man. The party least invested in the relationship has all the power which can be a real minefield. So for years therapists have gone very gently on the husbands hoping to build enough rapport with them to eventually tell them that all the shouting or storming out of rooms just isn’t helpful. This left marriage therapists in the same position as a lot of partners, hoping not to offend the offender. Turns out that in order for marriage counselling to be effective I have to be willing to take on the more offensive partner. Men in particular hate being handled, as much as they pretend otherwise they’re very good at changing once they’re clear on what changes need to happen and why.

The next key difference Relational Life Therapy has over a lot of marriage counselling is that therapists trained in the model are taught that showing someone how to do something right isn’t a bad thing. In individual therapy there may be time for an individual to arrive at their own conclusions but when a marriage is on the line Terrence Real suggests that ‘its borderline abusive’ not to give the couple the information they so desperately need. B y the time most couples make it to marriage counselling they are generally very close to breaking point and the quicker a therapist can get them out of pain the better. Couples are very smart and if they were able to figure it out on their own they would have.

As Terry explains in the video, these are three of the major differences between what Relational Life Therapy and traditional marriage counselling have to offer. He puts it across in a much more succinct fashion in the video and you might enjoy the level of incredulity he’s willing to display about what other therapists are up to. It’s Ok, he’s earned the right as far as I’m concerned. I used to make all those mistakes with my marriage counselling before training with Terrence Real. If you want a brilliant introduction to his work then get hold of a copy of ‘The New Rules Of Marriage’. It’s a real page turner, particularly if you’re in a relationship of any kind. Make no mistake; it’s not just people that are married to each other that are struggling. Terrence Real is a family therapist and families exist everywhere, take a look around your work place and you’ll see what I mean.

Best wishes

Michael