Healing A Broken Heart

What can I say? Healing a broken heart ranks right up there in the list of top 3 most painful relationship experiences. I'm truly, truly sorry for you. I don't want you to have to go through this. Right now you probably think that no one else could possibly understand the pain you’re in but it’s my hope that you’ll read this and realise you are not alone.

I'm going to share some practical advice and techniques to help you with healing a broken heart.

Healing A Broken Heart - The Practical

7 Steps

There's another page on this site where I give you 7 practical steps to dealing with a break up. I highly recommend you review the steps and use them when you are ready.

I recognise that the most difficult time to take action is when you're feeling heart broken. Each step is painful and can feel like an immense effort. But the 7 steps are designed to help you take little steps at first and deal with the overwhelming emotions that you're flooded with. Gradually you’ll be able deal with them in a healthy way and move on. It may seem like a long road to healing a broken heart from where you stand, but I know you know, even if just intellectually right now, that it is possible.

If you really are afraid that you might now live through the experience then please get in touch with a professional. I’d be happy to help and offer special emergency sessions for times just like this in your life.

Change Your Focus

What happens when you think about losing your love? How do you feel? In deep pain? The more time you spend focusing on, thinking about your loss or your loved one, the more time you'll spend in pain. Yes, feeling the pain is a natural part of the first step of the process. But I want you to know that you have an option to step out of the pain, as best you can, whenever you choose to.

This is an important skill to develop because there will be times when you are forced to deal with life. You really don't want to add losing your job and then your home to the list of things that went horribly wrong this year.

How?

By focusing your attention on something else. Easier said than done, I know! But the more you occupy your mind with something totally distracting, the less time you'll spend in pain.

What can you do?

• An exercise class - preferably one that will challenge you to follow the moves. Exercise also helps release chemicals (serotonin, dopamine, endorphins, etc) which are known to have strongly reduce feelings of anxiety, stress and depression. You know, all the stuff that you get from being heart broken.

• Your work! Yes, getting back into work can actually help healing a broken heart. I know your brain may be like mush, but just try to occupy yourself with the easier tasks and preferably involve interaction with other people.

• Meeting a group of friends - don't pick all of your closest friends as you'll end up talking about your loss. If possible you want a group where you know you won't end up discussing it and you can let the positive mood of them pick you up and distract you.

There's plenty of other ways to mentally focus on other activities or thoughts. Inevitably from time to time your mind will wander back to your heart break. But just remember, you have the option at any time to change what you're focusing on and therefore change how you're feeling.

How others Healed Their Broken Heart?

Unfortunately I deal with a lot of heart break. Some of my coaching clients come to me because they're in the darkest depths of heartbreak. A lot more because their relationships are affected by heartbreak from a past major relationship.

Wendy coached with me some years ago now, but even today when I think about it I can still feel the pain of her attempts at healing her broken heart.

She stumbled across her man at her Salsa class. She told me the first time she spotted him of that feeling you get when you're body is magnetically, primevally attracted. Just instinct. Excitement. Anticipation. Adrenaline. All boiling through her body. Quickly followed by the natural self doubt that someone so attractive was ever going to fancy her, let alone want to go out.

It was only minutes before he strode across the room and swept her off for their first dance. It couldn't have been better. And as their relationship developed her excitement and passion began to envelope all areas of her life. Surely this was the relationship she'd been waiting her whole life for.

Just a few days in, they fought, I can't remember what about, but it was an all out barney. The make up sex after made it worth it though, multiple times over!

This pattern was to repeat itself, many times over the coming months.

Her passion, love and excitement grew, only slightly outpaced by the angst, anger and pain she was suffering over his cold, unemotional distance, his lack of attentiveness and cutting sarcasm at the emotions she was experiencing. It was ecstasy, it was hell.

As the months past she realised that the relationship was ripping her and her life apart. He pushed every positive button she had and at the same time seemed to knew just how to cut her to the heart in a second and leave her sobbing for hours.

The growing awareness that despite feelings that he was her soulmate, that she'd never felt more passionate or deeply in love with someone in her life, that she had to end it. There was no way to continue and not destroy herself.

I helped her through the process - almost lived it with her - which was painful enough even as an observer!

We talked just the other day. She still thinks of him. It still hurts. But she's moved on. She called me to tell me that after a long break and several so-so, short relationships she'd met Guy. They've been going out for 9 months now. He's more gorgeous, more caring, more vibrant, more passionate a man than she'd ever imagined. And there's none of the destructive patterns that destroyed her in her last significant relationship.

Wendy told me she never believed me in her heart when I told her that she could and would find better. And now it was reality. Yes, it was hell for her. But moving through those seven steps, with my support and with the necessary distance of time, she's got through it.

This may not be the heart break you're facing, but I'm sure you can see that the pain is very similar. Even if you can only see it as an intellectual possibility that 'this too shall pass', that's all you can hope for at this stage. Follow the 7 steps. Put them into action and have faith that healing a broken heart is possible.

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