Recovering from your own affair?

You've had an extramarital affair. There are a number of situations you could be in at the moment. Take a look down the following list to find the description that most appropriately describes where you are and then click the link to find the help you need.

Split from your spouse

How to get over your relationship

You've split from your spouse. I'm hoping that you've either mutually agreed or have decided yourself to leave. Those are the two less painful options. If you're in the third, where your partner has ended the relationship, I'm truly sorry. You have got the toughest road ahead.

Whichever route you came by to be in this situation, the process to get over your relationship is going to be similar.

I've already written about the steps to get over your break up. Take time to read that piece – some of the steps are part of the natural process, but others will help you to move through this painful phase of your relationship as quickly and with the least pain possible.

If you are in the unfortunate position of having wanted to get back with your partner, but they haven't let you, let me give you some additional thoughts.

Time may change things for your partner. There are no guarantees. They may just as well not change their mind. But if you still feel months or even years down the line that you desperately want to get back together, then get in touch with them and let them know. Remember – there are certainly no guarantees here.

I know I should be empathising deeply with you here, but the reality of the situation is, that when you had the affair, you pretty much gave up your rights to decide about whether this relationship would continue or not. It may not have seemed like it at the time, but it's true. That statement isn't supposed to make you feel better! However, it is a reality. And the reason for stating it is because when someone else ends your relationship you can feel like it's unfair on you, that you deserve another chance or that you'd be different next time. That may be true if there were no reason for your partner leaving, but unfortunately your affair is reason enough.

Your coming to terms with not having that second chance is one of the key things that's going to speed, or not, your recovery from the end of your relationship. If you find yourself stuck for more than a month in this step of wishing you could have that second chance, believing you deserve it or similar feelings, get some coaching to help you step through it.

Want to win back your spouse?

Deciding whether to try
I'm suspecting you've pretty much decided you want to try.

If that's the case, be prepared for the obvious. A potential long, hard struggle to win your partner back. Even the few partners that take you back without much seeming fight will bear deep scars and resentment for your affair. Settling back into your relationship the way it was isn't an option you should take even if you're offered it.

You really must get professional help to sort through the minefield of emotions that your spouse will be feeling. OK, this is my business, so I would say that, wouldn't I? But there are very few situations in relationships that require more of an intervention, more external insight and more impartiality than what you're about to go through.

If you truly do want to repair your relationship for the long term, don't try to DIY. It's like trying to rebuild a tank that's been shattered on a battlefield. You're not qualified, you don't have the expertise and there's lots of live ammo out there that will explode when you inadvertently stand on it. So book a coach, or at very least get in touch with another relationship professional who'll help you through this.

If you really are struggling to decide whether to try to win back your spouse, I don't blame you. It's most likely your partner that forced the split, so you're probably feeling that the chances of them wanting to get back with you are slim. Add that to the fact that this will be a long, uphill struggle with perhaps no reward at the end and it's enough to make anyone doubt their intentions.

Again, you're in an emotionally distraught state at the moment. Getting clear on what's the best thing for you is bound to be difficult. The short cut would be to book an emergency coaching session to start to get clear on what's the right decision for you.

If you're determined you don't want help to make this decision then work through the compatibility section of the Should I Stay or Should I Go book that's available free on our site. When you've worked through it you should be pretty clear about whether you have true compatibility with your spouse. If you do, then it's a very clear signal that you're suited to each other, and the only thing standing in your way is the fear of the fight. If you don't have the compatibility you need then I suspect the answer will be obvious to you long before you finish the exercises.

How to win them back after your extramarital affair

The first thing you must do is give your partner the space to feel angry and to grieve for the relationship. Given you've split with your partner they clearly need space and time to come to terms with your affair. Going steaming back in and trying to piece it back together again before they've had time to work through their pain is only going to force them further away.

How long do you wait? Well, I wish I could tell you it's 12 months. But the truth is, everyone's different. Your partner may never get over it. May never forgive you. However the strange truth is, that for people who have been in a long term relationship, there tends to be more commitment to try to hold the relationship together. As such it's important to let your partner know that you still want to get back together.

When you do this, try to stand in their shoes first of all, to understand how this may be received. If you were hurting and still angry about your partner's affair, just hearing them say I still love you and I want to get back together may feel like you're ignoring their pain. You don't want your partner to feel like that.

Instead I'd recommend something that acknowledges their pain, but lets them know your feelings. It could be something like:

I know you're probably still massively angry with me. Maybe you feel like you won't ever forgive me. And I couldn't really blame you. I don't want you to consider this now, but I let you know for the future, that I'll always love you. And if you ever do find a place to at least think about our relationship again, that I want to try to piece it back together again. If you ever begin to feel the same way it will only need one word from you to start working to come together again. I'm sorry.

Obviously you're not going to use those specific words. This needs to come from your heart. But whatever you say you need to let them know that you

1. understand they're in pain and still angry
2. that if they ever feel ready, you'll be waiting, and
3. that you are sorry.

You may need to keep letting your ex-partner know this at intervals spaced over several months.

If your partner does agree to work on getting back together then the next phase for you both is about doing the work on the relationship to make sure you work out what was missing before and ensuring it doesn't happen again.

Related help

How to save your relationship
Extramarital affair