Recovering from your partner's extramarital affair?

You've got so many feelings going on for you at the moment. Most likely, anger at your partner, anger at the person your partner was fooling around with. Maybe you feel you want revenge. That you'll never want to forgive your partner for doing this to you. Inadequate, because your partner went outside of the relationship – does that mean it's something you can't or haven't provided? So many overwhelming thoughts, emotions and questions, so few answers.

What next?

You're already looking for answers about how to deal with the situation you're in. So let me talk you through some of the things you may be considering or will want to consider.

I'll go through these in a bit more detail in a minute, but:

• Do you want to break up? How do you make the decision?
• Already going through a break up? How do you handle it?
• Want to piece it back together? Despite everything your partner has put you through, maybe you still have that gut feeling that piecing it all back together is the best thing to do.
• How to come back together? How to heal the past and move on?

So let's look at each of those options in a bit more detail.

Do you want to break up?

This is just a web page, just a piece of writing. As much as I'd like to give you great guidance on whether you should break up, with the emotional turmoil you're going through, I think it would be irresponsible of me to talk you through this in writing. I'm happy to do so by coaching you personally. But there are a few things I stop short of giving advice on, on a website. This is one of them.

However, you may want to consider a few of these questions. They won't give you a 100% concrete answer in your head, but it may help to clarify your thoughts. To help orientate you in a direction and to get your head clear enough to start to seek the help you need at a time like this.

• What does your partner say they want? Are you convinced they mean it? What do you need to do to be convinced?
• If you knew they would never stray again, and you knew you could get to a place where you had forgiven them, how would you feel about living out your life with them?
• Before you knew about the affair, on a scale of 1-10, how would you have rated your relationship?
• Who else will be affected by you breaking up and what will the impact be on them, now and in the future?
• If you can find out the real reasons your partner had the affair, and come to truly understand them and both of you change the relationship to address what was missing, how will you feel about re-forging the relationship with them?
• Are you in a place right now where you think you can make the right decision about whether to stay or leave? If not, how much time do you want to tell your partner you need to consider your next steps?

For me the key is the last point. If you need more time to make your decision then tell your partner. If they're desperate to repair the damage they've done this is the least they'll do for you.

You may also want to take a look at 'Should I stay or should I go?' This is a book I wrote that was intended for people struggling to make their decision. The reason why I didn't recommend this to you primarily is because the emotional battering of finding out about and dealing with an affair makes this decision so much more difficult for you. And it is already one of the most difficult decisions to make in personal relationships.

Already going through a break up?

Maybe you've already decided. Or maybe you and your partner have agreed and have started to break up. Take a read at the section on how to get over a break up.

When it was written it wasn't done with you in mind. I wasn't considering the break up as specifically being as a result of an affair. However, the steps are fundamentally the same. The steps may take a bit longer, particularly near the beginning.

My additional thoughts on your break up process?

The toughest part for you is going to be 'feeling your feelings'. You're still likely to have those same questions going through your head. Why did it happen? What did I do wrong? Why me?

Here's some tough love. As long as you ask those questions you're always going to get shitty answers. They're just shitty questions. There are no great answers to those questions. So if you want to feel shitty, keep asking them. This may be difficult to understand straight away. But you need to ask yourself different questions...

• If my partner did this with malice, are they the right person for me?
• If they had the affair because there was something missing in our relationship, aren't they partly responsible for that being missing too?
• What can I do to make sure (to the best of my ability) this doesn't happen again in my future relationships?
• What didn't I like about my partner that I can find in my future partner?
• Although it's difficult to understand now, how might this make me a stronger and better person?
• What can I do now, who can I meet and what can I achieve now that I'm no longer in that relationship?

There are lots of better questions you can ask yourself than the standard three. Honestly, it's OK to ask yourself the standard three too- just don't wallow in it. Become aware that you're doing it, stop yourself and ask some better questions.

Want to piece your relationship back together?

A significant percentage of people do piece their relationships back together after one partner has had an affair. It's not unusual, but it does take a massive commitment from both partners to work through the emotional fall out and to determine the real reasons that your partner strayed.

That means them being honest. It also then means both of you being prepared to change, so that those reasons can't exist again. Add to that the most significant of issues – how can you bring yourself to trust your partner and how do you forgive them.

There's a short piece on trust and forgiveness on the cheating spouse page. I'd suggest having a quick read at that now.

Forgiving and re-gaining trust is the biggest hurdle to having a relationship with your partner again. It's a mountain to climb. Full of dangerous chasms and requiring faith and determination. When you need help on the climb, get in touch.

Related help

How to save your relationship
Extramarital affair