Suspect your partner is having an extramarital affair?

If you suspect your partner is having an extramarital affair you have several choices, namely:

1. Ignore it and continue in ignorance
2. Question why you believe this to be true and work out whether your suspicions are likely to be true
3. Investigate your suspicions before discussing it with your partner
4. Challenge your partner about your suspicions

In truth you may well do most or all of the above. Let's take a look at those options in more detail.

Ignore it and continue in ignorance

You've probably been suspicious for a while. You've been subconsciously suppressing the signals that are now too strong for you to ignore any more. Now that you've got to this stage you're not going to slip back into ignorance, not unless you consider that your relationship is worth more even with your partner having an affair than you and your partner splitting up.

Sound strange?

Well many people have and do make this evaluation. They'd rather live with their partner playing away just so that they can continue to be together. If you're considering doing this then I suggest you get help. Contact us or get in touch with another relationship professional and discuss the situation.

Why?

Honestly? Because you're living in a deep state of repression and are kidding yourself about the situation you're in. You're most likely scared of the consequences of you and your partner splitting up (for which I don't blame you) but your twisting the reality of your current life and your potential future life in such a way that you're making being without your partner seem more painful. In my experience, this is almost never true.

You may be the exception that proves the rule, but most clients I've coached in this situation are suppressing the pain and deciding to live in an eternal triangle mistakenly.

I'm not going to convince you of that whilst you read this, that's why I say get some help. If you're right, you've got nothing to lose. If you don't contact us or another relationship professional, it's more proof that you're suppressing reality. That's not emotional blackmail. It's just true. Think it over.

Question if your suspicions about their extramarital affair are true

Why am I asking you to question your suspicions?

To try to get you to ensure that if/when you approach your partner with your suspicions that you have as close as possible to evidence which your partner can't dispute.

If you tackle your partner with half suspicions and no evidence you are likely to get a point blank refusal that anything's going on at all. And where does that leave you? Perhaps it will make your partner temporarily more careful, if indeed they are having an affair.

If you're lucky they may come straight out and admit it, but it's definitely much less likely to occur. So I would definitely try to reinforce your suspicions first by investigating further.

Investigate your suspicions before discussing it with your partner

Maybe you've already done this. Maybe you do have enough 'evidence' to speak to your partner about it now. If so, skip this part.

I'm not talking here about hiring a private detective. For a start that's an expensive way to find out, but it also would destroy a lot of trust in the relationship if you're found out and proved to be wrong. Besides, it's unlikely that you need to do that.

Your suspicions have been raised most likely because your partner's behaviours have changed. It could be the case that someone has told you they have proof or their suspicions. But if you've evaluated your suspicions and decided that it really doesn't amount to much, you need to do a bit of digging yourself first.

If your partner is having an affair then they must be finding the time to do it. That means changing their behaviours, changing the time they spend with you or spend on other tasks. If they're smart they won't be spending longer in the office, or more time with his mates, they'll still be spending the same time allegedly but will be carrying on their affair.

I make no recommendations about you doing the following. I only know that other people I've spoken to in the same situation have done similar things. If you do the following it is done entirely at your own risk. We are not liable for any action you take or any consequences.

Careful use of phone calls to check where your partner says they are going to be has allowed people in the past to establish whether their partners are lying to them. If they were 'working late at the office' a call to their mobile which gets an answer and your partner confirms they're in the office, can then be followed up with a call to their office phone. When the second call doesn't get answered then your suspicions would be raised. Raised, but not yet confirmed.

When partner's have been out with friends, a quick call to the friends house or phone saying you couldn't get through on your partners mobile, but could you talk to them again gives you the opportunity to confirm their location.

You obviously need to have good reasons for phoning, but if your partner isn't feeling guilty they aren't likely to react at all about the odd call coming through. If you find a couple of times your partner not where they said they would be then your suspicions should be raised.

I'm not going to give you clear guidelines about when your suspicions are enough. It's a big step to take to confront your partner and you need to make that decision yourself. If you feel you need advice then I'm happy to coach with you through this. But here is not the appropriate time to set guidelines.

Challenge your partner about your suspicions

This is never going to be easy. Whether you're right or whether you're wrong, your partner is likely to take this badly. So how do you approach the subject and get through this?

I dare say the conversation isn't going to stay rational for too long, so any advice I give you now will probably go out the window fairly quickly. What I would say is at least have an idea of what you're going to do if:

• your partner flatly denies it
• your partner flies into a rage
• your partner questions your evidence and gives viable excuses for their behaviour
• your partner admits to having an extramarital affair
• your partner continues to deny it despite all the evidence

Know how you're going to deal with these things up front. You're likely to encounter some or all of them. At least if you've had a chance to think through your responses you'll be in a better place to deal with the responses.

The most important elements to be prepared for are knowing what your response is going to be if your partner admits to the affair and also if they continue to deny it.

If they admit to it, what do you want to do? Leave and think about your response later? Separate? Spend some time apart, get back together and try to work through it? Push them out? Again, in the heat of the moment you may well change your mind, but at least knowing your initial choice up front isn't going to leave you lost for an option should your mind go blank.

The same goes for if your partner denies it and continues to do so. Are you going to leave? Are you going to insist they leave? Are you going to be left questioning whether your evidence is real or imagined and what do you intend to as a result?

Again, if you need support to get you through this, or if your fear is too great to take your suspicions to your partner, then a coaching session may well be the first step to helping you get through this.

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Extramarital affair