Opening The Conversation

Here are a number of ways you can open your speed dating conversation. I don't suggest trying to learn them all. Just learn a couple before an event and alternate using them with each date. When you find a format you like, keep using it and test another opener too.

5 opening gambits

1. Compliment, Question, Introduce

The best introduction I've learned goes like this:

1. Compliment,
2. Ask a question, and then
3. Introduce yourself.

It's important to keep in mind that both of you are likely to be a little edgy around each other initially so your aim is to ensure that the other person knows they are safe in your company because you are at least semi coherent when it comes to conversation.

So, a bargain basement introduction is to look for the place they've spent a lot of money or effort around their appearance and tell them you like it. People really want to be praised and this is your quickest way to win their affection. Be careful here, if you tell them they are the most gorgeous person you've ever seen then you've just raised them to a position where they get to look down on you or they're going to feel uncomfortable. It's as if people are houses, you don't want to go crashing into their bedroom, just aim to get through the front gate for starters.

You then smile, face them, look them in the eye and ask a fairly innocuous question such as: Where did you get that...? What do you do when you're not here? How have you found it so far?

Remember it doesn't really matter what you ask because you're both busy checking each other out on so many different levels the words rarely make a difference. If you are going to click as friends, it's going to happen fairly quickly and if it feels like hard work you may well be wasting valuable time. If they are interested in you they are going to make the conversation easy for you as they will want to spend time with you.

2. The bizarre question

Create a question well before you go on your speed dating event that's

a. Sure to get the attention of your date
b. Bizarre enough that it becomes acceptable because speed dating is a slightly surreal event anyway
c. Will get you remembered for that alone

A woman I met on one of our seminars used, 'So, how do you eat your Creme Egg then?' It made me smile. It offered plenty of opportunity for innuendo if you wanted to use it (carefully!). It broke that initial awkwardness that can exist on a speed date very quickly.

3. 'I still feel awkward...' or 'this is starting to feel repetitive'

If you feel awkward or uncomfortable on a regular basis sitting down across from your date, it's OK to announce that as a way of dissipating the feelings and getting the conversation kicked off. If you make an observation about yourself or a situation that is honest and accurate then it tends to endear you to people. If you're feeling uncomfortable you can start your conversations like this. 'You know what Helen, I still feel slightly awkward starting conversations here. I find them really unnatural. Do you mind if I jump straight in to the conversation? What do you do for fun in your spare time?'

Make sure the question you ask is an open question (one that can't be answered with Yes or No) and will lead to a fun and deeper conversation. I'll talk more about those principles in the next section of the book.

4. Imagine this

You can create any fantasy for a person just by asking the right questions. The commonest one asked in the world I would imagine is 'What would you do if you won the lottery?' Now it's probably been done to death, but you can still use the format to ask a more unique question. For example, 'If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you love to live and why?'

The key to creating this type of opening is to 'suppose' something in your question. By using the word, 'if' you are allowing whatever follows to be imagined by your partner. 'If you did/had/were X what would you do?' is the general format.

5. Your top 3...?

An easy one this. 'Who are your top 3 favourite bands?' 'What are your top 3 favourite holiday destinations?' 'Who are your top 3 favourite male/female celebrities?' It's better to ask for someone's top three as they are more likely to be spontaneous. By comparison to the question 'What is the best holiday you've ever had?' which leaves most people with the dilemma comparing all their holidays and coming up with the 'correct' answer. Another benefit is that if they answer with three things at least one of them is going to trigger an idea in you to further the conversation.

Next
How to respond to someone else's opening question
Dating conversation main page