How to keep a conversation going

If there's one thing I hate in a conversation...,

it's ....

that...

pregnant pause.

The moment when conversation breaks down between you and your partner. You're both looking at each other, and inside you're going,

'What do I say now? Aaaaggghhh!'

 

So how do you keep a conversation going and prevent that from ever happening to you again?

A. Know how to expand a conversation so it never stops in the first place

B. Look for clues in what they say

C. Have some standard questions you can throw in to kick start any conversation

Let's look at them in a bit more detail.

A. Knowing how you can expand a conversation

You can do this in two ways:

1. Ask the right questions
2. Talk a lot yourself

Bearing in mind you want to keep the conversation as much about them as possible, you need option 1. If your partner really isn't participating in the conversation then you may need to resort to number 2. However, if you often find yourself in conversations resorting to the second option then you need to read and practice this online book, a lot!

So back to option 1. Not all questions were born equally. One set leads you down a blind alley, resulting in you going home and giving yourself a hard time for not getting anyone excited or enthusiastic about spending time with you. The other leads to a free flowing and potentially fun dating conversation.

The wrong questions are 'closed' questions. Ones that can be answered with a 'Yes' or a 'No'. Those questions lead you into a conversational cul-de-sac. Even if you can think of 5 closed questions to ask in a row, you'll still only get 5 seconds of conversation back from your partner! That style of conversation will feel like an interrogation which is not the mood you're looking to create.

The right questions are 'open' questions. Ones that cannot be answered with a simple 'Yes' or 'No'. Ones that require a bit of explanation. The simplest summary of a good list of open questions was provided by Rudyard Kipling when he wrote:

"I keep six honest serving-men
(They taught me all I knew);
Their names are What and Why and When
And How and Where and Who."

Use any of those six words at the start of your question and no one will be able to reply with a yes or no!

B. Look for clues in what they say

When you speak to someone you genuinely find easy to talk to, one of the things that makes it so easy is that you are enjoying the subject they are talking about. Obvious? Well, maybe. But it's easy to miss the fact that when you are struggling in a conversation with someone, one of the common reasons is because you are just not 'into' what they're talking about.

Given that you must spend 3 minutes in a speed dating conversation (longer on a normal date), what do you do to make it easier?

You must search for the clues that they leave scattered around as they speak. Of course, if the only 2 words they can manage are 'Yes' and 'No' you're going to be stuck on this one. But generally potential dates are willing to utter a few more words than that.

So listen out for those clues. Let's say the conversation goes like this:

You: I love your shirt. Where did you get it?

Him: Top Man. I just bought it on Saturday. I only went in to town to pick up my bike and I saw it in the window.

You: Bike? What kind of bike?

(Yes, bike was the clue he left there for you. Clearly shopping wasn't his main passion - I think you can tell that! But his bike just may be. Now even if bikes aren't your thing, they are another avenue you can take the conversation down. So we, continue…)

Him: Yeah. It's a Piaggio X9. In Yellow. It's fun and funky. Really quick. I love it.

You: (Realising now he's clearly passionate about bikes) So, if you could have your pick of any bike on the road, which one would you choose?

Him: Hmm! Good question. I'd guess it would have to be a Honda Dominator.

You: (Picking up on another thread to expand the conversation) What is it about the Dominator that you'd love?

Him: It just looks really cool. You can take it off road if you want to and it's also really quick too. I also really like the name.

So now you have 4 threads to follow.

1. The fact that he likes cool things - find out what else he likes that are cool. Maybe one of those things you'll enjoy talking about more.
   
2. He likes going off road. What is it he likes about doing that?
   
3. It's really quick. He's mentioned that a couple of times now. He's probably a bit of a speed freak, so you could get into that conversation.
   
4. If you're up for it you could probably have a little fun with the domination theme.

Now none of this (unless you're into bikes) is particularly riveting. But what it does allow you to do is to continue a conversation that otherwise may be struggling. And as you transition from his shirt, to motorbikes, to speed, to thrill seeking you may well find that he's into sky diving - coincidentally your number 1 passion in life!

My point? If you're in a boring conversation, where the subject just doesn't interest you, and you're struggling to maintain the will to live let alone keep the conversation going, look for clues. They are your signposts to a different conversation.

Every time you want to change the topic of conversation, listen for the clues.

Next
How to keep a conversation going (part 2)
Dating conversation main page